4/3/09

Eggshells & Prayer

See those up there....

They are called eggshells...

I walk on them throughout my day...

All day...

Every day....

I thought about this when I drove into work this morning....

I can't just get up and go about my day oblivious...

I gauge everything...

I worry about everything...

Somewhere along this path, I went from a person who had confidence...
I had self-esteem...
I was strong (some may say bitchy)...
I couldn't care less what others thought of me...
I had no problem telling you what I thought of you or your actions....

Now I walk on eggshells with everyone around me...
I don't speak my mind (perfect example - I get a deli sandwich at Publix about once a week and have been for about a year - The girl there still puts the wrong ham on every time I order and I have still yet to say anything..I just take my sandwich and eat it as it) because I fear what others may think...
I don't look in the mirror because I am not proud of what I have become...
I don't like the haunted, empty look in my eyes that I see staring back at me....
I don't look people in the eyes anymore when I am talking to them...
I look at the ground...(Why??? They aren't any better then me)
I avoid people as much as I can...
I can stand in a room with 100 people and feel like the only one there...
I don't go out of my way to do anything except escape within myself...
I am so worried about hurting other peoples' feelings that I have now taken to just ignoring them or saying the minimal amount possible and then scurrying away like a little mouse...

I am happiest alone with nobody around and that kills me because I am also saddest when I am alone...


Alone...

There are no eggshells...

Just my racing mind and fleeting thoughts.

Here on my blog, I can lay out whatever I want and you guys are so supportive and sweet no matter what I put out there...

I know some may not agree with me however even then you are nice about it...

Here there are no eggshells and I am not a doormat...

Here I can be my real self and say what ever I want to say...

I can say why I am having a bad day or how I feel at any given time during the day...

Here I can bear my soul and say I feel like a crappy friend, wife, mother, daughter and you aren't judging me...

Here I can say I hate taking meds and you aren't pointing fingers at me (telling me to get back on my meds) every time I try to say something you don't want to hear.

Here I can tell you I have had such a bad week that I now have a Dr.s appointment on 04/30...

The last 3 days I have felt like I am in constant panic...

Here I can say that even my relationship with Him is fragile...

I still walk on eggshells as I pray...

Can God even be offended by what I pray about?

Is He offended when I sit in my garage (I like my garage - it is quiet) and rage inside at Him because I can't bring myself to rage on the outside to anyone else?

Is He offended I can sit in a church parking lot but still not bring myself to go inside even though every fiber of my being is crying out for something - anything?

Is He offended that I have turned out this way?

Did He make me this way?

Did He know I would go from a strong confident woman to a maniacal mess in a matter of months?

Is this a test to see how much I can take? If it is I think I am failing...

Does He know I sit here and look out my window and see what a beautiful day it is outside and the rain has stopped and everything is green yet inside I am still black and gray and stormy?

Does He think I can make it through this? If He does, I think he picked the wrong person...

I am so close to the edge and I can't even began to tell you how that makes me feel.

I just hope and pray that if I go over the edge, He will also catch me before I fall otherwise I may not survive the fall.


LINKIN PARK
Sometimes I Remember The Darkness Of My Past
Bringing Back These Memories I Wish I Didn't Have
Sometimes I Think Of Letting Go And Never Looking Back
And Never Looking Forward So There'd Never Be A Past



7 comments:

  1. Sweetie, He won't only catch you when you fall... He's already holding you up.

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  2. He doesn't care what you pray about. Its YOU he cares about. He sees what you cannot. He would not have let you take on any burden in this life if He didn't think you could handle it (and sometimes thats hard to believe!) I am so sorry you have had such a bad week! :(

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  3. Oh my I hate taking my meds too
    with a purple passion

    and i am out of the "i am scared stage and into the watch out I am pissed stage"

    time sometimes works. prayers always and you know you let yur kids rage at you.
    you still love them, you still care, you know they need to get it out!

    so where is it any different if we need to rage too, our Father listens still. And understands more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amen to what they said (above)...
    One day at a time...
    One minute at a time...
    One second at a time...
    That's all you have to deal with right now.
    I'm praying for you...as I'm sure we have all felt in some way, as you are feeling now.. and it can feel lonely and helpless...

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am echoing everyones comment above...you are never alone...always remember that

    ReplyDelete
  6. Serenity, The amazing thing is He knows ALL about you, anything you've ever thought or done or will think or will do and guess what? He loves you ANYWAY!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am agreeing with the above comments. Serenity, He knows you and like Aunt of 14 said He wouldnt put all of this on you if you couldnt handle it. You have to draw closer to Him. Keep praying...you may not see an immediate result but it will come...in His time not ours. Be strong...we are here for you.

    I just wanted to let you know that I too once was a very independent, self confident person. I didnt care what you thought of me or who's toes I stepped on. However, I am completely like you. I cant stand the person I have become. I would rather not look into the mirror because I dont want to see who is staring back at me. I dont want to interact with anyone because I dont want to end up messing up or getting to involved and ending up letting them down. My story isnt the same as yours but I know how you are feeling now.

    Just remember take it one day at a time:)

    ~Hugs~

    ReplyDelete

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