Dark Night Of The Soul...

"Enter Through The Narrow Gate. For Wide Is The Gate And Broad Is The Road That Leads To Destruction, And Many Enter Through It. But Small Is The Gate And Narrow The Road That Leads To Life, And Only A Few Find It."

Matthew 7:13-14

Someone used the phrase "Dark Night of the Soul" to me recently...

I have never heard of it before and quite frankly brushed it off at the time...

The phrase made it's way into my thoughts today...

Fleeting at first and it just grew stronger from there until I took the time to look up what it meant...

It is a period of questioning one's Salvation...

Spiritual anguish...

A lengthy and profound absence of light and hope.

Within this dark night, you feel utterly alone...

Your Faith is strong...

You spend time with fellow worshipers...

You have found a spiritual adviser...

You can look around and see His works within your life...

Yet you find yourself on the outside...

Caught between your old life and the new one you are so desperately trying to put together...

You don't feel like you belong in either place...

You can't turn back into the past that got you here, yet you don't know how to embrace the new way...

You try and try to pursue the new way of life yet you are still pulling the heavy weight of your past with you...

You try to be the way you are supposed to be...

You try to be good however find at times you just can't...

You try to be loving only to realize at times your heart is nothing but stone...

It still feels like everything is falling down around you, yet you still struggle to break through and find that you just can't...

The joy you felt only a few short months ago is gone and you have no idea how to get it back...

You want the joy and fulfillment you felt to come back, however something is keeping it from you...

Your prayers aren't quite as thankful as they used to be...

Confusion is looming on the outskirts of your consciousness...

Your fellow worshippers may recognize this state you are in...

They will show concern and kindness, some may have already passed through this...

You won't care...

You will function in life and go about doing whatever you need to do however inside all you feel is numb...

Then you will question...

Do I have any business being in this Church?

Do I have any business being with these people?

Is He listening?

Does He care?

Does He exist?

Your fellow worshippers, who can recognize this turmoil within you, will tell you to keep on the path...

No matter how painful, you have to keep moving forward, otherwise you will quit and go back to your old life, yet you will forevermore feel like you don't belong.

There is a reason you are being drawn in the Dark Night - In order to be transformed, your ego must die...

Yes...

Your ego has brought you here and now you have you make another painful journey in order to come out on the other side...

I haven't been to Church in over a week...

Tomorrow I am not going either...

I haven't spoken to anyone other then the minister who told me about this journey...

I avoid the phone calls and emails...

I have nothing to offer them...

The place where I felt the most peace, has now brought me chaos...

The people who I felt the closest to, have now brought me turmoil...

My Pastor, my beloved Pastor, I can't even look at him right now for fear he will see my confusion...

I feel inadequate and alienated...

I don't know where I am spiritually...

The joy I had isn't there anymore...

The urgency to be within Him isn't there anymore...

I feel hollow...

I do whatever I need to do however there is no motivation...

Some of you may think I need to re-adjust my meds however this is different...

It isn't my bi-polar speaking on an emotional level...

This is a spiritual war going on...

There isn't enough medication in the world for that...

God seems so very far away from me...

I don't hear Him and I no longer feel His presence...

The harder I try, the deeper the valley seems to become...

Then I wonder...

Has He forsaken me?

Has He given up on me?

Has He turned His back on me?

Has He forgotten about me?

Does He no longer love me?

Is He disappointed in me?

I know out of confusion will come clarity, however the clarity seems to be out of reach...

I try to hold onto my Faith each and every day, however it seems to be dwindling no matter how hard I try...

I talk to Him every day...

I still hit my knees every night...

I still give my thanks every morning...

Yet I still don't feel Him...

I am not looking for the "Santa Claus" God that a lot of people put Faith in...

You know the one...


"If you do this, then I will do that"...

You ask only when you want something and then forget to even utter a thank you...

I am not asking to be a millionaire...

I am not asking for my marriage to be restored...

I am not asking to be beautiful or skinnier or younger etc...

I am asking for Him to show me the way He wants me to go...

I am asking for an ounce of peace to last me throughout the week...

I am trying to follow His word...

His way...

However it is hard when you don't have the direction...

It is hard when all you are hearing is silence...

It is hard when all you feel is the weight of the world on your shoulders...

When all you want is His comfort...

When all you want is His voice...

I lay down at night later and later...

My prayers get longer and longer...

I ask for forgiveness for doubting...

I beg for His mercy over me...

I seek and I seek and I still can't find...

I have people come to me asking "How can you be so strong?" and I give Him the Glory...

I have people come to me asking "How can you still believe?" and I give Him the Praise...

My Faith may be dwindling however I am going to fight that with eveything I have within me because my Faith is what has gotten me this far...

I don't believe He would bring me this far and then leave me hanging...

It just feels like that at this point in time.

I know in my heart I am one of His sheep and I know from His word that He will not leave me alone for long.


THIRD DAY
Even Though The Journeys' Long
And I Know The Road Is Hard...
Well The One Who's Gone Before Me
He Will Help Me Carry On

A Treasure Of The Heart

"A Faithful Friend Is A Strong Defense: And He That Hath Found Him, Hath Found A Treasure."

"Be At Peace With Many, But Let One Of A Thousand Be Thy Counsellor"

I have been trying to write this post for 2 days however I have had a lot of trouble...

I couldn't come up with the title...

The pictures were posted, however the words were a jumbled mess within my head...

I knew what I wanted to talk about, however something different was laid upon my heart...

My original post was going to be about loyalty...

He had a different idea for me to write about that will also tie into the original subject.

Out of everything within a human being, loyalty is something I feel the strongest about...

I don't demand respect...

I don't demand integrity...

I don't demand trust...

Loyalty though is different for me...

I don't just demand it, I expect it...

I don't place a lot of faith in people anymore, which understandable at the moment in time...

I have lost my ability to blindly trust people...

I don't want to say never, however it will be a very long time before I ever let anyone as close to me as I did to the people who have hurt me.

I don't want to be like that though and He knows this...

Because I was veering towards bitterness and resentment, He placed another person in my path...

One who is stubborn as an ox...

One who will not tolerate a pity party from me...

One who refuses to listen to me tear myself down...

One who has somehow worked their way into my life, past the barriers I have so very carefully erected.

One who tears down every wall I try to build...

One who listens day in and day out...

One who doesn't even have to speak, yet I know they are sitting right there, just a keystroke away if needed...

A friend unlike any other I have ever had before...

I don't use that term "friend" with everyone I meet...

There have been some amazing people I have met on my journey and some of them I will call friend until my last breath...

A very select few are a little bit more then that...

This one though is different...

I can almost picture Him sitting up there on His throne thinking who do I send to her next?

How about someone who will make her listen regardless of how painful the words are?

I have had some come in for a short time and I have had friends I have known for years...

I have had some give and I have had some take...

I treasure each and every one of them.

I believe each person is placed in your life at just the right time for just the right purpose...

I believe the purpose of some is done quicker then others which is why some friendships last a shorter time then others...

No matter how short the friendship is, that person still leaves something behind with you...

If you are lucky to have life long friends then there will be more left behind...

No matter what I have been through in my life, friends have always played an important role..

He has blessed me beyond measure with some wonderful people...

Their gifts in my life have helped me overcome an awful lot this past year...

I have been shown how to love unconditionally...

I have been shown never-ending patience...

I have had some really great laughs...

I have had some really great cries...

I have been burned by a couple and that is ok as well because I still learn from that...

The one I am learning the most from lives halfway around the world...

6 months older then me and fiercely protective in a way no one has ever been...

There in the morning with a message pertaining to the day ahead...

There at night wishing me blessings and peace...

There during the day making sure I am ok...

He knows my deepest fears as well as my darkest secrets...

He is kind and caring and compassionate though he wouldn't want you to know that...

He is brutally honest almost to a fault yet at the same time will apologize sincerely for hurting you...

So what has he taught me?

Where would I start?

How about with a smile or a laugh? - Something he aims for everyday...

Tears? Absolutely because he makes me face everything head-on...

Strength? If I run low, he sends some my way...

Faith? He helps me grow mine with different verses just when I need them...

Hope? He shows me where to look for it...

No judging - No matter what I say...

He found a way in when I was shutting everyone out...

Funny - He will say I did the same...

M,

You are a wonderful person...

I am honored to know you and humbled to be called your friend...

You have my utmost respect as well as my trust...

You make me laugh, you make me cry...

You make me take a very hard look at myself and then want to be a better person based on what others see...

24 hours ago one simple sentence uttered knocked me on my behind and you stayed right there and wouldn't allow me to stay down...

Thank you for picking me back up...

Thank you for your loyalty...

You make me want to fight even harder for what I want...

I want you to know that not a day passes that I don't say a prayer over you & a prayer of thanks for you...

Had I known you 20 years ago we may have killed one another however as I get older, I know what to look for and you my friend... Are a treasure of the heart.

As The Pendulum Swings

"Therefore I Tell You, Do Not Worry About Your Life, What You Will Eat Or Drink; Or About Your Body, What You Will Wear. Is Life Not More Important Then Food And The Body More Important Then Clothes? Look At The Birds Of The Air; They Do Not Sow Or Reap Or Store Away In Barns, And Yet Your Heavenly Father Feeds Them. Are You Not Much More Valuable Then They? Who Of You By Worrying Can Add A Single Hour To This Life?"

Matthew 6:25-27

I have covered part of living with bi-polar before however since it is a big part of my life, I am going to be revisiting it here....

I am actually going to try to go deeper then I ever have before...

I can give you the definition...

I can tell you what possibly happens to me...

I can even tell you how I react...

Today I am going to tell you what it feels like to live in my skin - In my mind.

To be perfectly honest, I miss the manic stage...

I do not however miss the depressive stage...

I am going to take this back to my last episode...

Before I found out about the cheating...

Before I had confirmation of another woman...

Before life as I knew it would soon be over...

Right before he almost shattered my mind into a million pieces...

If you follow my blog, you know the symptoms of bi-polar...

I try to educate the people in my life about it since for some stupid reason people either think it is really cool to have or they are scared I am going to kill them...

I am not Emo...

Though technically I could be...

I do live through music, I tend to gravitate towards loneliness, I prefer the color black, I love to write and I am a cutter (though reforming day by day)...

However that is just a small part of me...

It isn't all of me...

Bi-polar isn't all of me either...

It is a small part of me as well...

It doesn't define me...

For so long it did and when I think of all the years I spent fighting against it, instead of with it, I want to cry...

However that is part of the learning path I have been placed on...

Yes I screwed up however I won't allow it to hold me back any longer...

February 2009...

My last manic episode prior to accepting medication finally...

The highest I have ever been and the lowest I have ever fallen...

I knew something was off however I couldn't put my finger on it...

Something within my household as well as within me...

I was sleeping about 3 hours a night and mad at even wasting time sleeping in those 3 hours...

I was talking a hundred miles an hour yet it wasn't anything of substance...

I couldn't focus on anything not my boys, my job, my writing...

My mind was racing in a way it had never done before and I couldn't catch a thought if you gave me money...

At first I didn't tell my husband because prior to this, I welcomed the high...

After the first 2 weeks, the high seemed just out of reach and I was quickly becoming a basket case...

I went down to sleeping maybe an hour or 2 a night...

I wasn't eating and if I did eat, it wasn't anything healthy, just enough to keep me moving...

I couldn't sit still to save my life, how I got any work done is beyond me...

I was locked within my racing thoughts and didn't know how to get out...

I was so hostile to anyone within my reach because I couldn't reach the high I was seeking...

I hated everyone - Everyone.

No matter who you were, you were fair game...

I was irritable in a way I have never been before...

The high was supposed to make me fly so to speak, yet I couldn't grasp it...

Like the thoughts flying through my head, it was like trying to catch the wind...

Then in March, the pendulum swung a different direction then it ever had before...

The hallucinations started...

The delusions started...

The paranoia started...

I literally thought I was losing my mind...

I had slept maybe 8 full nights in a month...

I started seeing things that weren't there, or seeing things that were there then gone when I went back to look again...

I would hear voices and if I strained to hear what was being said, nothing would be there.

I started to question my own mental status...

Then the first phone bill came in...

An unknown number...

Thousands and thousands of text messages...

Over 4000 in the first month...

Phone calls that were hours long...

Pictures exchanged as I slept right next to him in the middle of the night...

I remember standing in the garage the day the bill came in after I had examined it, waiting for him to get home from work...

He uttered those infamous last words, "We are just friends".

From that moment forward instinct kicked in...

It would be another month before I would have concrete evidence of the affair...

My mind was already on overdrive...

The discovery of the number just kicked it into high gear...

I spoke to him numerous times about how I was feeling and what I thought was happening...

He would pacify me, tell me it was all in my head, he would never do those things to me, to his family, to his boys...

The more he pacified, the more I found, the more he erased, the more I questioned my sanity...

Was I really seeing divorce lawyers in the history of our computer?

Was I really seeing searches for apartments in the next town over?

Was I really hearing him on the phone trying to help her find a job here?

Absolutely not he would say over and over again...

I needed to see my Dr. he said...

Something is wrong with you...

You are paranoid...

You are crazy...

You are losing your mind, and sadly, I believed him.

I saw my Dr. about a week or so later...

She informed me I was 2 possibly 3 weeks away from a complete psychotic breakdown...

I started my meds that day...

Then he came back from being out of town without his wedding ring on...

I have a rash on my finger he said...

Later that night he would admit it...

She was his soul mate...

I love you but I am not in love with you...

I married the wrong woman...

We married to young...

You were a mistake...

I realized I never loved you...

The one that still haunts me to this day -

If you had taken your meds we wouldn't be in this position, I just never knew who I was coming home to anymore...

At that moment in time, it was like an explosion within my mind...

Ka-Boom and as the pieces fell, they all finally fell into place...

The paranoia, delusions, hallucinations - All gone at that point in time...

The pendulum couldn't have swung any lower then that moment in time...

The depression that followed the bomb he dropped almost allowed me to take my own life...

My mind was about 98% shattered...

Between last year and this year, I am in such a better place...

A place I haven't been in for such a long time...

Day by day as I sift through the debris, I pull out the good parts that I want to keep within my new life, knowing that He is providing better replacements where the discarded pieces lie...

I have an enormous amount of help from people who have been placed on my path by Him...

I have my Pastor, my Church family, my real family, my in-law family, some very treasured friends - old and new...

This past year took a lot from me, however what was replaced were gifts that I wasn't recognizing...

A smile, in the bathroom mirror as I passed by, making me stop and step back to actually see if that was on my face...

Peace, as I sat at the bank this morning waiting for my turn in the drive-thru...

Joy, as I glanced out the car window and saw a Cardinal sitting on the curb next to me at the bank...

The Cardinal - The sign I asked for, so long ago...

His sign to me that no matter what, Everything would be ok.


JONNY DIAZ
So Turn Around You're Not To Far
To Back Away Be Who You Are
To Change Your Path Go Another Way
It's Not To Late You Can Be Saved
If You Feel Depressed With Past Regrets
The Shameful Nights Hope To Forget
Can Disappear They Can All Be Washed Away
By The One Who's Strong Can Right Your Wrongs
Can Rid Your Fears Dry All Your Tears
And Change The Way You Look At This Big World
He Will Take Your Dark Distorted View
And With His Light He Will Show You Truth
And Again You'll See Through The Eyes Of A Little Girl

Of All The Commandments, Which Is The Most Important?

"The Most Important One", Answered Jesus, "Is This: ' Hear, O Israel, The Lord Our God, The Lord Is One. Love The Lord Your God With All Your Heart And With All Your Soul And With All Your Mind And With All Your Strength."

Mark 12:29-30

Last night I posted a prayer that weighed heavily on my heart...

I knew I was going to do a prayer however I didn't know what I was going to write until I started...

I can't force my posts and try to stick with what is on my mind at that point in time...

Some days I get up knowing what I will write about and there may be days between my posts because I just don't have anything left within me...

My walk with Him has been all over the place this past year...

I switch from anger to despair to joy to depression to hate to love to confusion etc...

Not all at once usually, however I have been known to switch that fast as you all know.

As each day passes, I learn just a little bit more about myself as well as His love for me...

I had a beautiful conversation today with my big brother...

He painted me a picture with his words that left me in tears...

He then let me know I couldn't use it on my blog - Stinker.

The picture was for me...

The words were for me...

Not to be shared apparently, however as he spoke, something within me opened up a little bit more...

The way I viewed God was changed in a different direction...

You see I always think of Him as all mighty, all powerful, all loving...

He is all of these things as well as so much more...

I get stuck on the all mighty and the all powerful.

I am in complete awe of Him...

I am also quite fearful of Him...

Every move I make, I always think - "Is this what You want me to do?"

I talk to Him more then I talk to anyone else during my day...

I haven't figured out how to listen though...

I try to find a quiet area and some quiet time to just Be with Him...

It hasn't been easy and I will admit there are quite a few times during the week when I haven't found any quiet time at all to listen to Him...

I am not a perfect Christian - I am very far from that...

Yet in my mind;

I have to be in order for His acceptance...

I have to be in order to receive His blessings...

I have to be in order for Him to love me...

I have to be in order for His forgiveness...

Notice I said in my mind...

In His eyes, I don't need to be anywhere near perfect...

In His eyes I am His daughter...

He loves me as I am...

In His eyes, I am not a failure...

In His eyes, I am doing the best I can...

In His eyes, I will falter yet He will be right there...

In His eyes, I will fall however He will catch me...

In His eyes, I am no longer that pitiful girl I still see myself as...

In His eyes, I have grown into a beautiful woman...

In His eyes, I have strength...

In His eyes, I have Faith...

In His eyes, I have compassion...

Because He loves me, I am able to forgive...

Because He loves me, I am able to trust...

Because He loves me, I am able to love...

Because He loves me, I don't have to be fearful...

Because He loves me, I don't have to worry...

Because He loves me, I don't have to have doubts...

Because He forgives me, I learn how to forgive myself...

Because He forgives me, I learn how to forgive my husband...

Because He forgives me, I learn how to forgive the other woman...

Because He forgives me, I can make mistakes and learn from them...

Because He forgives me, I learn to not judge...

The above scripture is read in my Church each and every Sunday...

Today after talking to G - I finally was able to understand just truly what that one sentence meant...

Love Him with all your Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength...

Just as He loves you.

PHIL WICKHAM
'Cause The Hands That Hold The World
Are Holding Your Heart
This Is The Promise He Made
He Will Be With You Always
When Everything Is Falling Apart
You Will Be Safe In His Arms