Because Of Him, I Am Free

"So If The Son Sets You Free, You Will Be Free Indeed."

John 8:36

We all have chains that bind us to the world...

Could be money, your spouse, your kids, your house, your job etc...

This is all good and well unless you put these things before Him...

When you start living your life for you and not Him, trouble isn't to far around the corner.

He is a jealous God and wants to be first in your life...

He sits on His throne and watches all of His children...

Wanting to help you, comfort you, guide you, love you...

Yet you are still seeking those things from outside sources.

The chains that bind you will be broken, upon asking.

I never looked at my marriage as a chain...

Now, after over a year, I can see the chains as plain as day...

I locked those shackels on myself and He has stepped in to remove them.

Now that I have had some time to look back and reflect, I can see I wasn't as happy as I thought I was...

I was content, however not happy...

I was controlled, manipulated and unloved...

I was second best and my Father decided it was enough.


It was time for Him to step in and remove the chains, only problem is I fought Him with all my might to keep the marriage.

A marriage where neither of us was satisfied...

I was willing to work on it, to get that spark back, he however wasn't.

So I worked on me instead, worked on my fears, gaining my strength and my self-respect.

I asked Him to take me out of the situation, take the problems away and just make everything go back to the way it used to be.

It just isn't enough anymore when one fights so hard for something that takes two.

I was even willing to sweep it all under the rug, if he would just come home...

He wasn't going to have that for me anymore...

So each link by painful link was broken...

As our links were broken, my own were strengthened...

Still I asked to make everything go back to the way it used to be...

Still my prayers were denied.

One day, I woke up and stopped praying to be removed from the situation and started praying to win...

Win my life back, regardless of the outcome, I asked Him to show me what to do and what changes I needed to make in order to win.

Then clothed with His armor, I stood where He put me...

I am here in this moment in time for a reason...

Yes it looks like oodles of trouble, however He is near me in times of trouble.

As long as He is with me, He provides me the means to win.

I have learned that as long as that link is still connected, I will not have true peace and happiness...

As long as there is a constant source of anguish in my life, I can't move truly forward.

I want to smile and laugh and dance and be joyful...

I want to remove the masks I wear and be the me I know I can be...

I want to be accepted for the me you see, not the one he wanted me to always be.

I want to dance in the rain and not worry about getting yelled at because I am dripping water on the floor...

I want to stay up all night to watch the sun set as well as rise.

I want to sleep all night long and not wake up with anxiety running through my veins...

I no longer want to answer to him...

If I want to skip work and sit at home watching sappy movies, in my pajamas, while eating nothing but green M&M's all day then I can...

Why?

Because this is MY life.

However right now, I can't...

The final chain is still as secure as Fort Knox...

And it looks like I am in for one hellava fight...

A fight for my life back from a man I no longer know...

When the dust settles and all is said and done, I will finally be free...

To my Father who saw my unhappiness even when I wasn't willing to admit it, I thank you...

I thank you for the fight, I thank you for the Mercy and Grace you have bestowed upon me in this time of trouble...

I thank you for not ever leaving my side.

Now I am ready to thank you for releasing me from that final chain.

CREED
I Give My All, My Everything
Anything You Want I've Tried To Be I Tried, God Knows I Tried
Or Am I Stuck Somewhere Between Who I Am And Who I Hope To Be
Am I Fighting The Good Fight

Happy Birthday Tigger...

Jesus Said "Let The Little Children Come To Me, And Do Not Hinder Them, For The Kingdom Of Heaven Belongs To Such As These."

Matthew 19:14

Dear Tigger...

My beautiful son, so full of life and spunk and attitude...

This past year has been hard on you and I am sorry I wasn't able to keep you from being hurt...

I am sorry you had to learn an ugly lesson so early in your life...

I am sorry we both had to learn this lesson however I am glad we have done it together.

I want you to know I am so very proud of you...

Life may not have turned out quite the way I expected for us, however I have Faith that our God will see to make it even better then before...

Blessing have been poured down upon us, even if we have to stop and really look for them...

You have handled this much better then I have and I sit in awe of you and how you are able to bounce back at each disappointment handed to you.

You are loved beyond words and that is what I want you to always know and always feel.

There are people you don't even know who love you and pray for you and wish you nothing but the best.

There are men in your life that love you and want you to succeed...

I hope today you have a wonderful day sweetie...

Have a very Happy Birthday with many more to come.

I love you more then blueberry muffins and chocolate chip cookies.

Happy Birthday To You
May The Good Lord Bless You
To Jesus Be True
The Whole Year Through

Bridge Of Compassion

"You Must Be Compassionate, Just As Your Father Is Compassionate."

Luke 6:36

I can say without a doubt that I am a compassionate person...

I care about my fellow man, including the ones who wrong me...

It isn't for me to judge anyone though I admit at times I do...

I know in the end, we will all receive just punishment for our transgressions.

The bridge of my life used to be sturdy...

I know now that I was putting everything before Him and it was just a matter of time before He began stripping me of all I held above Him...

Up until this past week, I still was looking at it from a "woe is me" point of view...

Months ago my Pastor said I was being stripped and I didn't understand the analogy then nor do I truly understand it now...

The way I see it, my husband should be stripped based on what he did however he just goes along as if all this mess is normal...

I will never understand why any of this happened...

I will never understand why Tigger is treated as if he doesn't exist...

I will never understand why...

Why... Why... Why?

As I drove across a bridge this afternoon my thoughts were dark, my heart heavy and my emotions doing quite a number on me...

I drove slower then normal, looking at the water, the boats sailing and the birds flying in the sky...

Then I had a fleeting thought, if I turn the wheel a little more to the right, I would plunge over the bridge and all would finally be over...

No more pain...

No more doubts, worries, fears, sadness etc...

Most importantly no more questions without any answers.

I haven't been that down since all this started and I was quite surprised to see where my thoughts took me...

I haven't been back in that darkness for quite sometime...

Each day the light has gotten a little bit brighter...

The darkness no longer threatens to overtake me.

Yes some days are better then others however I am learning how to implement different techniques to overcome and push forward.

I strive not to think about what has been going on...

Not only with husband but with others in my life as well...

I am not very good at cutting the rope, though I am damn good at hanging myself with it.

I try to stay upbeat and positive, however I am learning it takes more then that...

When people hurt you, whether willingly or not, you begin to question yourself and your ability to have meaningful relationships/friendships etc...

You have people who use you for your shoulder, your ear, your sympathy, your kindness whatever and then when something goes semi-right for them, they light the match to burn the bridge...

Then there are others who you know are hurting and they shut the door in your face when you reach out to help.

I don't burn bridges unless I absolutely have to...

I wasn't raised that way...

You are supposed to be true to Him, true to yourself and true to one another...

Seriously how hard is that?

I see people using other people all the time and then discarding them when they get what they want...

It is painful to watch and even more painful to experience...

So much so that I am wondering if I have been living in a bubble for the past X number of years that I have been alive...

Seriously - What is wrong with people these days?

Whatever happened to compassion?

To kindness?

When did people become so selfish and where have I been while all this was taking place?

I don't want to end up like that...

I want to cultivate my friendships/relationships so they grow into what He wants them to be.

So know this, no matter how you treat me, I will still treat you with kindness, love and compassion because that is how He wants us to treat one another.

THIRD DAY

So Here I Am At The Edge Of The Water

That Seperates Me From My Death And Life

And Still I Come Here With Unanswered Questions

But That's Not Going To Make Me Change My Mind

Easier To Use Two Hands...

"The Lord God Said, "It Is Not Good For The Man To Be Alone. I Will Make A Helper Suitable For Him."

Genesis 2:18

It is no secret I don't like to be alone...

Of course like any other person, there are times I prefer it...

I don't prefer it 24/7...

I am surrounded by people in my life and quite frankly I just want to be left alone.

It is all noise in the background to me that I can't quite shut off...

The TV is blaring or the radio is to loud or the kids are fighting...

Life is to loud for me at times...

When it gets that way, then I want to seek solitude.

I don't want to hear anything from anyone...

I desperately want to be alone and wish time would freeze for just a few moments if only for me to catch my breath.

I don't want to give anymore because quite frankly, I have nothing left...

I need time to think, time to be me, time to be with Him.

My quiet time comes when the house is silent and everyone is sleeping...

I may have music playing quietly in the background but that is the only noise you can hear...

I seek Him to please come then and soothe my soul from the troubles of the day...

I can speak to Him even though He knows what I am going to say before I say it.


I want to sit with Him and know all the way into my soul that this pain won't last forever...

I want Him to tell me that the pain I am feeling now, will be worth it once the outcome has been revealed...

Once the final puzzle piece falls, then and only then will I be able to look back and understand...

No matter how many times I beg Him, it is still going to happen in His time and not a second before.

The problem is I want to use both hands to pull Him closer, however I don't know how...

I use one to pull Him and one to push Him...

The one pulling wants to live as close to a perfect life for Him as possible...

The one pushing wants to live life her way.

The problem is the two have to work together in order to have harmony.

You can't have it both ways...

You can either live for Him or you can live for you...

It is up to you to decide.

On my journey I have found that living life the way you want to live will have some dire consequences...

No one goes through life unscathed and if they tell you they do, it is a lie...

Everyone will experience hurt, disappointment, loss, anger, sadness, loneliness etc...

It is how you react during those times that will come to define the person you are.

You can allow the emotions to take over, which is what I normally do...

You can wallow in them and throw yourself a helluva great pity-party...

You can moan and groan about how life has handed you a raw deal...

You can either be a victim or you can be a fighter.

I used to be the victim and I won't apologize for it because that is all I knew for so long...

There are areas in my life where I fought to still stand today, yet other areas where I just laid down and played dead...

I want to be a fighter all the way through and I am having a hard time figuring out what it is He wants for me...

The hand that pulls is ok with the way things are because I know He is molding me for greater things...

The hand that pushes is fighting it every step of the way, with fear, doubt and worry.

I want Him to show me how to make the two work together.

NICHOLE NORDEMAN
It's Well Past Midnight
And I'm Awake With Questions
That Won't Wait For Daylight
Separating Fact From My Imaginary Fiction
On This Shelf Of My Conviction
I Need To Find A Place
Where You And I Come Face To Face

Walking On Broken Glass

"Praise Be To The God And Father Of Our Lord Jesus Christ, Who Has Blessed Us In The Heavenly Realms With Every Spiritual Blessing In Christ."

Ephesians 1:3

Anything can set off an emotional trigger...

Your day can be sailing along smooth as silk and something can come along and punch you in the throat...

A scent caught on the wind, taking you back in time to a more pleasant memory...

An unexpected dream filled with someone who shouldn't be welcome in your dreams...

An old piece of clothing found while cleaning...

A photograph taken years ago filled with smiles and massive amounts of expectations...

Panic will set in...

Not necessarily a panic attack, however that could happen as well...

Your day, which moments ago was going along wonderfully, has now started to crack...

It starts as a spiderweb crack, like you get in a windshield when a pebble hits your glass...

If allowed, the crack will splinter off into numerous other cracks and before you know it, you are faced with a shattered windshield...

Now it has to be removed because you didn't take care of it at the first sign of trouble...

Now you are left with a pile of broken glass and you have to tread carefully or you will get cut...

You will try to step over it, however there are to many pieces...

So you begin the journey over broken glass...

Some pieces are bigger then others...

The cuts from those pieces hurt the worst...

Other, smaller pieces may not cut as deep, however the pain is still there...

Next comes the task of repairing the glass...

By this time on your journey you may have different tools to fix the damage...

Maybe not, depending on you as a person...

This isn't a job someone else can do for you...

Yes, you can be guided in which pieces to pick up first, however ultimately it is your job to fix the damage...

This is different then puzzle pieces...

With the puzzle, you choose which pieces to put back and which ones to discard...

With the glass, all pieces have to go back together in order for you to heal...

A puzzle can be made to fit, glass, however can't unless you are making a mosaic out of your emotions...

This process can repeat itself every few days, every day or depending on your journey every few hours...

It isn't pleasant...

It is almost as painful as the journey itself...

Why?

Because each time that glass shatters you are opening up new wounds...

Why?

Because you haven't put them back together the way they are meant to be.

Why?

Because you didn't learn the lesson the first time...

Each time this happens, you need to take the time and learn from it.


You can't expect something that worked in the old to work in the new...

You have to find new ways to fill the cracks in...

Each time your emotions are triggered, you have to stop and take the time to repair the damage the right way...

If not, you will continue to walk on broken glass.

JEREMY CAMP
I Know That I've Been Given More Beyond Measure
I Come Alive When I See Beyond My Fears
I Know That I've Been Given More Then Earthly Treasure
I Come Alive When I've Broken Down And Given You Control