"And God Shall Wipe Away All Tears From Their Eyes; And There Shall Be No More Death, Neither Sorrow, Nor Crying, Neither Shall There Be Any More Pain: For The Former Things Are Passed Away."
I have begun to long for the day when there is no more pain & no more tears.
I wait for the day when I can look upon His face, when I can feel complete healing and never feel anything hurtful again.
Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in quite some time.
It started with a memorial service and two hours later a funeral.
Two separate people, one young, one older and I ushered both of them.
Both members of my Church, though I had only met one of them, I do however know the mother of the one I had never met, she is the president of the usher board.
It was soul crushing to see a woman I consider a friend, in so much pain, wrapped in her grief, I don't know if she even knew what was going on.
However I couldn't express my grief, none of the ushers could, we had a duty to do and we were determined to make sure everything went off as smoothly as possible.
And it did, as far as I could tell, she was cremated and the ceremony was beautiful.
Because both the memorial and the funeral were held on the same day, we had to "borrow" a Sanctuary from a Church down the street, that way the other one could be set up while the first one was being attended to.
Once the memorial service was done, the ushers had to rush over to the next Church, beating all the people who would be in attendance.
Because this wasn't our Church, we aren't used to the way this one is set up, more pews, though they held less people, one extra aisle, doors all over the place that had to be covered.
As we met in the back to figure out who would be where, I glanced to the front of the Church...
Open casket (closed before the service started).
Now I knew there would be a viewing, however I assumed it would be held in a different room, I was wrong.
I could feel the air being sucked right out of the room.
Four ushers headed up front, with the agreement we would switch out every 15 minutes.
When my turn came, I did all I could to avoid looking at the casket, knowing it was closed didn't matter, I had already seen inside of it.
The flowers were overwhelming fragrant and the sadness was palpable.
My throat was so tight, I couldn't swallow, eyes darting around the room, anywhere but there.
This funeral was also beautiful, the threat of rain held off until we hit the cemetary and then it was a light drizzle.
After 5 hours of holding back emotions, I quite expected to head home and just break down, the threat was there, but nothing would come.
I knew I had to find a way to release what I was feeling, yet I couldn't cry, couldn't sleep either, so after 4 hours of unrestful sleep, I finally just got up and proceeded to get ready for Church.
I could feel the tears there, but they wouldn't fall....
They blurred my vision and burned my eyes during almost the entire service, still none fell.
I was crabby and overtired and so emotional, but I couldn't figure out how to release what I was feeling.
I did some work around the house, hung out with Tigger and practiced my message.
After I got him to bed, I heard from Eyeore....
After being blocked for over 4 months from texting or talking to him, his Dad finally unblocked my number...
We were chatting for a few and somehow she came up and he used a nickname for her, then the tears started...
It hit me wrong and I was finally able to release all the pent up emotions from the past 2 days.
Do I want her to be nice to my kids?
Do I want them to like her?
Honestly, there is a part of me that says, no I do not, and I know that is a horrible thing to say...
And that is why, if you drove by my house tonight, you would have seen me crying in the rain.
Because I can't stifle that small part of myself and it angers me...
That worldly part I am so desperately trying to get rid of.
The part that still feels anger, still wants revenge, still misses what used to be, still misses what could have been etc...
97% of the time I can quiet it...
Tonight, just wasn't one of those times.
And I Know There'll Be Days
When This Life Brings Me Pain
But If That's What It Takes To Praise You
Jesus, Bring The Rain