I Choose Crystal

"In A Well-Furnished Kitchen There Are Not Only Crystal Goblets And Silver Platters, But Waste Cans And Compost Buckets—Some Containers Used To Serve Fine Meals, Others To Take Out The Garbage. Become The Kind Of Container God Can Use To Present Any And Every Kind Of Gift To His Guests For Their Blessing."
2 Timothy 2:20-21 (The Message)

It has been a week of one major up, as well as one major down, and a few ripples thrown in for good measure.

Early on in the week I found out I made the Dean's list ~ Shut Up! were the first words out of my mouth when I received the email.

I called my Dad, informed my Mom and Sister, emailed a copy to my Pastor, as well as texted my Reverend and my prayer partner.

Yes; I was proud, because quite frankly when I used to be in school, the only "list" I ever made was the detention or the suspension list. :)

That was my "up".

I also found out that Eeyore was choosing to stay with his Dad and since he is 16, there is basically nothing I can do about it, huge blow, because I was naive enough to think that he would of course, choose me.

I figured in time he would see through the actions of his Dad and realize that at this point in time, he isn't exactly the type of person you would want to emulate.

I found that out yesterday, I also found a huge source of anger that I didn't know I had.

I was mad at the lawyers, furious with my husband for dragging this out so long (almost 3 years now), and quite frankly disgusted with the whole process.

So I sat there, angry and so very sad, asking Him why?

Every fiber of my being was tempted to call my husband and tell him what I truly thought of him at that point in time, yet, I found myself emailing my Pastor instead.

Struggling deeply with anger, acceptance and forgiveness.

As I wrote to him, letting him know what had happened and where I "was" emotionally, I found the anger dissipating a little bit as I wrote that I "accepted and forgave the affair, the abandonment, as well as the filing of divorce, however, turning my son against me? I don't know that I have it in me."

I don't know how to accept that, much less forgive.

But, I have to.

I sent the email and then found myself in the Word, seeking for peace, for the comfort I know only He can give me.

As I read different verses, finding the peace I was searching for, I came across the one you see at the top -

2 Timothy 2:20-21.

The first thing I thought when I read it, was that I didn't want to be a filthy vessel used by Him.

Knowing that I will fall into transgression if I let go of either, His complete sovereignty or the full responsibility of my sins.

The point Paul (I love Paul and relate so easily to him) is making in this text is we have a choice:

Will you choose to be a filthy vessel that God uses for dishonor?

Or, will you choose to be a clean vessel that God uses for honor?

He WILL use either, however, WE are accountable for the choice made.

We live in a world where we become stained on a daily (sometimes moment by moment) basis and when we confess our sins, the blood of Jesus is applied to our dirty lives.

In order to be a vessel for honor, you must walk in the light, confessing all your known sins to God.

To be a vessel of dishonor, you will continue to stumble around in the darkness, never cleansing yourself from sin.

You must choose the type of vessel you are going to be and then you must cleanse
yourself to become a vessel of honor.
This your responsibility.
If we allow our minds to continue to embrace false teaching and we allow our lives to be continually tainted by sin, then we are not useful to our Master.

I emailed my Pastor back, letting him know that I was okay, that I had found several verses in Ephesians, and they had helped restore the peace back into my soul.

"I will allow it to be one more cornerstone in my testimony of what He has allowed me to face, as well as how He walked me through it and perhaps one day, I will be able to help someone else who may face the same trial." (a portion of what my email said to him)

In time, He will help me to accept, forgive, and move forward.

He strengthens me, His word says so ~

Philippians 4:10-14 (The Message) "I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

(I love the way this Scripture is stated in the Message Bible.)

So, which vessel are you choosing to be?

Many Blessings.

He Has A Reason For Each Trial
That We Pass Through In Life
And Though We're Shaken
We Cannot Be Pulled Apart From Christ


Hot Cocoa Is The Answer

"To Open The Blind Eyes, To Bring Out The Prisoners From The Prison, And Them That Sit In Darkness Out Of The Prison House."
Isaiah 42:7 (KJV)

I drink a cup of cocoa almost every single night, regardless of the weather outside, and I have been doing this for about 22 years.

To me, there is nothing more comforting than a hot mug of cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (or marshmallows).

I spent 3 years in northern Italy and the hot cocoa that is served there is literally eaten with a spoon, thick as mud and oh so very good!

I have tried just about every cocoa on the market, as well as in most of the restaurants I frequent.

I have tried it with milk as well as with water (I prefer water) and I actually used to own a Cocomotion ( I loved that thing).

As I stood by the stove tonight, waiting for my water to boil tonight, my mind was playing on a question that I hear, quite frankly too often, "Didn't you have any warning?"

"No, I did not" is my standard answer.

Before I go any further, let me just say, I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, and I am not a hillbilly from the backwoods....

I am educated, I carry a 4.0 GPA in Seminary school, I can count, I can use the word "malevolence" correctly in a sentence (see below), I can change a tire, check my oil, build a fire, know the difference between a phillips head and a flat head etc...

I may be blonde and have some serious "blonde moments" but I am not a bubble head...

Sometimes, it is the smallest things in life that we overlook.

For almost 3 years I have racked my brain trying to come up with an answer.

I have spent countless hours dissecting each and every conversation my husband and I had prior to the separation, and I still come up with a big, fat "nothing."

We didn't fight, we rarely argued and if you had asked me, I was under the assumption that life was perfect, our life was perfect.

2 gorgeous, healthy boys, semi-successful jobs, house, cars etc....

He made me cocoa... Every. Single. Night.

The only thing missing was the proverbial "white picket fence."

If you have read here for any length of time, "blindsided" doesn't even begin to describe what happened.

Almost 3 years later and I still have my breath taken away by the sheer malevolence he has shown/continues to show...

In the words of Shakespeare, "This was the most unkindest cut of all."

Perhaps, because he was the one I trusted the most in this world, the one I counted on to never, ever hurt me, the one who would stand by my side until the very end, became the very one who stuck the knife in the deepest, intentionally.

It took me a long time to move past the anger, the pain and the betrayal.

I made a conscious decision to not allow what he did to define me, in doing that I had to be willing to trust someone again...

God saw fit to place G and my Pastor on my path.

Two men who are polar opposites of my husband, willing to teach me that to trust again, is a good thing, and each of them slowly worked, in their own way, to make sure I didn't get stuck inside myself, as a emotionally broken shell of a woman, yet they also taught me they are human and as such they have the ability to unintentionally hurt me and, He is the only one I can truly trust, with every single thing in my life and never, ever be hurt.

Once trust was established with these men, He placed other people in my path and each one brings with them, the chance to relearn how to love, how to trust, and yes; how to be vulnerable again, because you can't truly trust anyone, unless you are open to the possibility of being hurt once again.

I poured the hot water into my mug, stirred until all the chocolate was melted, added a (not so) healthy dollop of whipped cream, grabbed a handful of marshmallows, if you are going to drink hot cocoa, you have to do it right (FYI - These are the BEST!!) and found myself stopping right before I threw the marshmallows on top.....

My eyes clouded over and my mind took me back to 2009, right about this time (perhaps a week or so later)...

As much as I hate these "mind-journeys" into the past at the most inopportune times, I know that there is an answer there that He is trying to show me...

I saw my answer.

My mind came back to the present, I finished making my cocoa and as I looked at the perfect concoction I had just whipped up, I realized a small detail that had escaped me 3 years ago....

He stopped making me hot cocoa.

I Was Selfish
But You Still Loved Me
You Gave The Greatest Gift Of All
And You Set Me Free


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