"To Open The Blind Eyes, To Bring Out The Prisoners From The Prison, And Them That Sit In Darkness Out Of The Prison House."
Isaiah 42:7 (KJV)
I drink a cup of cocoa almost every single night, regardless of the weather outside, and I have been doing this for about 22 years.
To me, there is nothing more comforting than a hot mug of cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (or marshmallows).
I spent 3 years in northern Italy and the hot cocoa that is served there is literally eaten with a spoon, thick as mud and oh so very good!
I have tried just about every cocoa on the market, as well as in most of the restaurants I frequent.
I have tried it with milk as well as with water (I prefer water) and I actually used to own a Cocomotion ( I loved that thing).
As I stood by the stove tonight, waiting for my water to boil tonight, my mind was playing on a question that I hear, quite frankly too often, "Didn't you have any warning?"
"No, I did not" is my standard answer.
Before I go any further, let me just say, I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, and I am not a hillbilly from the backwoods....
I am educated, I carry a 4.0 GPA in Seminary school, I can count, I can use the word "malevolence" correctly in a sentence (see below), I can change a tire, check my oil, build a fire, know the difference between a phillips head and a flat head etc...
I may be blonde and have some serious "blonde moments" but I am not a bubble head...
Sometimes, it is the smallest things in life that we overlook.
For almost 3 years I have racked my brain trying to come up with an answer.
I have spent countless hours dissecting each and every conversation my husband and I had prior to the separation, and I still come up with a big, fat "nothing."
We didn't fight, we rarely argued and if you had asked me, I was under the assumption that life was perfect, our life was perfect.
2 gorgeous, healthy boys, semi-successful jobs, house, cars etc....
He made me cocoa... Every. Single. Night.
The only thing missing was the proverbial "white picket fence."
If you have read here for any length of time, "blindsided" doesn't even begin to describe what happened.
Almost 3 years later and I still have my breath taken away by the sheer malevolence he has shown/continues to show...
In the words of Shakespeare, "This was the most unkindest cut of all."
Perhaps, because he was the one I trusted the most in this world, the one I counted on to never, ever hurt me, the one who would stand by my side until the very end, became the very one who stuck the knife in the deepest, intentionally.
It took me a long time to move past the anger, the pain and the betrayal.
I made a conscious decision to not allow what he did to define me, in doing that I had to be willing to trust someone again...
God saw fit to place G and my Pastor on my path.
Two men who are polar opposites of my husband, willing to teach me that to trust again, is a good thing, and each of them slowly worked, in their own way, to make sure I didn't get stuck inside myself, as a emotionally broken shell of a woman, yet they also taught me they are human and as such they have the ability to unintentionally hurt me and, He is the only one I can truly trust, with every single thing in my life and never, ever be hurt.
Once trust was established with these men, He placed other people in my path and each one brings with them, the chance to relearn how to love, how to trust, and yes; how to be vulnerable again, because you can't truly trust anyone, unless you are open to the possibility of being hurt once again.
I poured the hot water into my mug, stirred until all the chocolate was melted, added a (not so) healthy dollop of whipped cream, grabbed a handful of marshmallows, if you are going to drink hot cocoa, you have to do it right (FYI - These are the BEST!!) and found myself stopping right before I threw the marshmallows on top.....
My eyes clouded over and my mind took me back to 2009, right about this time (perhaps a week or so later)...
As much as I hate these "mind-journeys" into the past at the most inopportune times, I know that there is an answer there that He is trying to show me...
I saw my answer.
My mind came back to the present, I finished making my cocoa and as I looked at the perfect concoction I had just whipped up, I realized a small detail that had escaped me 3 years ago....
He stopped making me hot cocoa.
I Was Selfish
But You Still Loved Me
You Gave The Greatest Gift Of All
And You Set Me Free