Spring Of Hope

"If We Had No Winter, The Spring Would Not Be So Pleasant: If We Did Sometimes Not Taste Of Adversity, Prosperity Would Not Be So Welcome."

Anne Bradstreet

For C.J. -

May you always shine your beautiful light on all those around you...I am proud to call you my friend and while I am not fully facing the light yet, I am embracing it all each and every day - Thank you.

" Mi Ispira, Senza Un Suono"

Don't adjust your monitors - Yes you are actually seeing colors and flowers and trees.

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring...

Lent is almost over...

Easter is on it's way...

With Spring comes Hope...

Renewal, Growth, Rebirth, Purity.

Now normally I wouldn't pay attention to the change in the season...

I am more prone to Fall and Winter...

Dark, Gloomy, Sadness.

So what changed?

Everything...

Each and every thing I ever believed in had been turned on it's axis...

Out of that came a rebirth of self...

I have had help in this process...

So much help I am going to take the next few posts to list each person and thank them properly.

Next to Him, there is one in particular...

Child of Light vs my Child of Dark...

Almost complete opposites in every way...

A friend born out of adversity...

The commonality - Curve balls of life.

A healing smile...

A hearty laugh...

A helping hand...

Kind eyes...

A giving heart...

In the short time we have been in contact, this impact has been the one most felt.

C.J. - You came into my life like a gentle spring rain...

The promise of a wonderful friendship built on trust, honesty and unconditional love...

Tears have been shed together, late, late nights filled with real laughter after so much heartache...

Dreams shared, ideas tossed about, plans made...Living once again.

You have helped heal me in places deep within my heart that I never thought I would be healed...

I know that no matter then time, you will be standing right beside me - All I have to do is say the word...

You have pulled me kicking, screaming and fighting out of the darkness that envelops my life and shown me that the light is not to be feared but embraced and I thank Him each and every night for you.

My friends mean the world to me and during the last year I have lost quite a few...

Adding to that list makes me happy - People I know I can trust implicitly helps to heal me.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that God puts different people in your life at different times for different reasons.

I don't really question that - I give Thanks for that...

Each person has something to offer if you stop and just allow their gift to be given to you.

Earth angels sent from above during the good as well as the bad...

You just have to be open enough to receive them.

Michael W. Smith
Over The Years, I've Learned One Important Thing
It's That Real Friends Shall Truly Never Be Apart
You Were There In My Darkest Time Of Need
With A Hand Reaching Straight To The Heart

Puppet Master

"A Man Who Is Master Of Himself Can End A Sorrow As Easily As He Can Invent A Pleasure. I Don't Want To Be At The Mercy Of My Emotions. I Want To Use Them, To Enjoy Them And To Dominate Them."

Oscar Wilde

Since I can remember I have allowed my emotions to control me...

Every emotion I felt would have a reaction...

With anger came cutting...

With sadness came tears...

With happiness came a smile...

Bi-Polar ruled my life....

Each and every aspect of my life...

Those around me would use that against me, my soon-to-be-ex-husband included...

One of the reasons he cheated - "I didn't know who I was coming home to anymore".

Out of all the crap he has hurled at me - That one sentence can still bring me to my knees.

Even though I knew it was a lie...

I know now that he was projecting and blame shifting his guilt onto me...

He used every tool in his arsenal to break me down.

And he almost succeeded...


No matter what he said to me, what he did to me, he still had the same control -

Control I never remember giving him, however looking back, it had been in place for quite some time.

He was my puppet master...

He said jump and I would ask "How high" on the way up...

I didn't go anywhere without "making sure" it was ok with him...

This is where self-worth comes in and I had zero.

I believed he loved me and as a wife you are supposed to submit (I don't like the word either) to your husband however your husband is also supposed to treat you respectfully.

I look back over the last 20 years and now have a hard time remembering the good times...

And the times I thought were good, well apparently I was blind...

Even during this past year...

Every move I made was an attempt to get him back...

I didn't say anything back to him for fear of pushing him further away...

No matter how he treated me or the boys, I put up with it...

I basically laid down and put a welcome mat on my back...

I waited over 5 months to file for child support for fear of the retaliation from him...

The day he was served will forever be etched into my mind because he tore me apart, up one side and down the other for 8 straight hours...

There was maybe a 40 minute block in there where I thought my "real" husband was speaking however it was an illusion.

Now don't get me wrong -

I am not here to demonize him...

He has done enough of that to me along his "journey to happiness"...

I wish him well and I hope he finds what he is searching for...

So as each day passed and he didn't come home, a single string was cut...

I was unaware of how many strings were attached to him...

Financial thread - I cut that right after he left...

Sexual thread - Annihilated.

Trust thread - Gone.

Loyalty thread - Destroyed.

Love thread - Severed.

Happiness thread- Damaged.

Thread after thread....

Day after day....

Slowly I picked myself up off of the floor and cut the threads...

The final chain - Not a thread - Divorce...

The ultimate failure to me - This isn't a secret - Everyone knows how I feel about it...

And now I am actually strong (yes I said strong) enough to do it...

I actually want to do it...

I couldn't have made the final move without Him...

In order to be my own puppet master, He had to break the final chain...

I waited patiently, I prayed, I fasted, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I cried, I forgave etc....

All for the wrong thing...

While my ultimate goal was my husband home and my marriage in tact...

His ultimate goal was showing me I didn't need any of that...

I was strong enough to go at it on my own with His hand guiding my way.


Mikeschair
God You Know Where I've Been
And You Were There With Me Then
You Were Faithful Before, You'll Be Faithful Again
I'm Holding Your Hand

Pandora's Box

This is for CB...May your life always be filled with bright red cardinals and sweet, sweet music...I love you my friend and wish you peace and happiness in all your days on earth.

We all have one of these in our minds...

A box where we store hurtful & painful memories...

Someone who didn't like you in grade school...

A love lost from so long ago...

An ugly exchange between you and someone you love...

Hateful words hurled during an argument...

D-Days aplenty for those of us affected by infidelity...

All under lock and key in this little box...

I told a friend yesterday to put everything away in it & not to open it and then the thought stayed right on the outside of my conscience for the rest of the day/night.

When I woke up this morning I knew what I had told him was wrong...

You see that part of me still lives in fear and we have discussed fear over and over right here...

If you become to fearful to try new things, you will end up running from everything and avoiding adversity at all costs.


Fear is a very debilitating emotion...

It will hold you back and keep you stuck right where you are...

You ask yourself questions over and over and over again and each time the questions are answered in fear...

Fear of the unknown...

It is easier to take the "safe" path no matter how unhappy you are then it is to venture onto the unknown path.

Before you can even take that step onto the unknown path, you have to ask yourself "What if" ?

You also need to know within, you are strong enough to face the answers to the "What if" questions even if it something you don't want to hear.




Fear kept me from releasing everything from my Pandora's Box...

I still held onto the ugliness that kept me from moving forward...

If you always do everything the same way because you are scared of screwing up, then the best results you can ideally expect are the same ones that you have received all along.

So what do you do?

What is the opposite of fear?

Bravery.

Within bravery comes courage...

Courage to push forward towards what you want for your life.

New love...New happiness...New friends...New ideas...New dreams...New life.

Within courage comes resolution...

Within resolution - Your wings to fly.




Go ahead and open up your box...

Release everything that is holding you back...

Everything that is keeping you from your happiness...

All the sadness and pain that is weighing you down...

Release the fear of the unknown.

My box is wide open...

All the tragedy and ugliness released and just like Pandora's Box -

The only thing left in my box -

Hope.


Steven Curtis Chapman
Out Of These Ashes
Beauty Will Rise
And We Will Dance Amoung The Ruins
We Will See It With Our Own Eyes

Confusion Is A...

Prelude To Clarity

I have lived in limbo for over a year now...

Perfectly happy and content to "live" like that for years...

Married in word only...

No intimacy, no friendship, no talking, no seeing one another...

I was ok with that until December...

Questions started to arise within me however I just couldn't lay voice to them...

The "voice" was another person placed in my path (CJ - Always by my side - Thank you)...

Finally I was able to voice aloud the questions, the fears, the worries etc...

The minute I voiced it all, I was disgusted at myself...

Limbo is a soul-sucking despair to all who are in it...

You tell yourself every morning when you wake up that maybe today is the day...

You tell yourself every night before you go to bed that maybe tomorrow will be the day...

You are living in a land of confusion and every minute you live like that is another minute of disservice you are allowing to yourself.

Now look at others who are involved...

Not the person who threw you into limbo because they deserve a post dedicated to each and every one of them, I am speaking of the fallout of limbo on your kids...

Tigger...

To look into his eyes breaks my heart...

To see pain etched on his face caused by another human being unleashes an anger in me I don't think I could even begin to describe...

To see it caused by the one person who should be protecting him, is heartbreaking to me...



I know my pain...

I can touch it and redirect it towards something good...

Until recently I saw his pain however I felt powerless to stop it because I wanted what was best for my marriage and my family.

What was best I thought was lingering in limbo with the hopes that my husband would wake up and truly see the damage he has done and actually want to fix it...

Not sweep it under the rug with an apology but to be truly remorseful...

To truly change and want the same things as me...

So with my confusion a change begun...

A change towards clarity...

I know what I want out of my life - The only life I get..The only chance I have and I want to shine.

I know what I want for his life - The only life he gets...The only chance he has and I want him to shine.

I never wanted him to feel unwanted, unworthy nor unloved and allowing him to be dragged into limbo with me has put those feelings in him...

As his Mother I have chance to undo the damage and make sure that he never feels inadequate again.

Just like me, he is worthy of so much more then what is being offered to him and come hell or high water, I will make sure he gets every chance to grab that and soar...

So the papers are filled out and waiting on a notary stamp...

Personal belongings are divided...

The line in the sand has become clearer...

This isn't just about me and my happiness...

As a parent, I have to remember this is about my boys as well...

Most specially about Tigger...

He deserves to be happy...

He deserves to be loved...

He deserves to feel worthy...

With confusion I thought he would get that no matter what as long as I was willing to stay in limbo and fight for my marriage...

With clarity I realized, I am not willing to stay married for the kids...

I thought by showing my boys you fight for what you believe in I was doing the right thing...

I realized I needed to show them how a relationship is truly supposed to be without sacrificing your soul.

I realized all I needed to believe in was Him and myself...




SIDEWALK PROPHETS
So Don't Live Life In Fear
Forgive and Forget
But Don't Forget Why You're Here
Take Your Time And Pray
These Are The Words I Would Say