Puppet Master

"A Man Who Is Master Of Himself Can End A Sorrow As Easily As He Can Invent A Pleasure. I Don't Want To Be At The Mercy Of My Emotions. I Want To Use Them, To Enjoy Them And To Dominate Them."

Oscar Wilde

Since I can remember I have allowed my emotions to control me...

Every emotion I felt would have a reaction...

With anger came cutting...

With sadness came tears...

With happiness came a smile...

Bi-Polar ruled my life....

Each and every aspect of my life...

Those around me would use that against me, my soon-to-be-ex-husband included...

One of the reasons he cheated - "I didn't know who I was coming home to anymore".

Out of all the crap he has hurled at me - That one sentence can still bring me to my knees.

Even though I knew it was a lie...

I know now that he was projecting and blame shifting his guilt onto me...

He used every tool in his arsenal to break me down.

And he almost succeeded...


No matter what he said to me, what he did to me, he still had the same control -

Control I never remember giving him, however looking back, it had been in place for quite some time.

He was my puppet master...

He said jump and I would ask "How high" on the way up...

I didn't go anywhere without "making sure" it was ok with him...

This is where self-worth comes in and I had zero.

I believed he loved me and as a wife you are supposed to submit (I don't like the word either) to your husband however your husband is also supposed to treat you respectfully.

I look back over the last 20 years and now have a hard time remembering the good times...

And the times I thought were good, well apparently I was blind...

Even during this past year...

Every move I made was an attempt to get him back...

I didn't say anything back to him for fear of pushing him further away...

No matter how he treated me or the boys, I put up with it...

I basically laid down and put a welcome mat on my back...

I waited over 5 months to file for child support for fear of the retaliation from him...

The day he was served will forever be etched into my mind because he tore me apart, up one side and down the other for 8 straight hours...

There was maybe a 40 minute block in there where I thought my "real" husband was speaking however it was an illusion.

Now don't get me wrong -

I am not here to demonize him...

He has done enough of that to me along his "journey to happiness"...

I wish him well and I hope he finds what he is searching for...

So as each day passed and he didn't come home, a single string was cut...

I was unaware of how many strings were attached to him...

Financial thread - I cut that right after he left...

Sexual thread - Annihilated.

Trust thread - Gone.

Loyalty thread - Destroyed.

Love thread - Severed.

Happiness thread- Damaged.

Thread after thread....

Day after day....

Slowly I picked myself up off of the floor and cut the threads...

The final chain - Not a thread - Divorce...

The ultimate failure to me - This isn't a secret - Everyone knows how I feel about it...

And now I am actually strong (yes I said strong) enough to do it...

I actually want to do it...

I couldn't have made the final move without Him...

In order to be my own puppet master, He had to break the final chain...

I waited patiently, I prayed, I fasted, I begged, I pleaded, I bargained, I cried, I forgave etc....

All for the wrong thing...

While my ultimate goal was my husband home and my marriage in tact...

His ultimate goal was showing me I didn't need any of that...

I was strong enough to go at it on my own with His hand guiding my way.


Mikeschair
God You Know Where I've Been
And You Were There With Me Then
You Were Faithful Before, You'll Be Faithful Again
I'm Holding Your Hand