Confusion Is A...

Prelude To Clarity

I have lived in limbo for over a year now...

Perfectly happy and content to "live" like that for years...

Married in word only...

No intimacy, no friendship, no talking, no seeing one another...

I was ok with that until December...

Questions started to arise within me however I just couldn't lay voice to them...

The "voice" was another person placed in my path (CJ - Always by my side - Thank you)...

Finally I was able to voice aloud the questions, the fears, the worries etc...

The minute I voiced it all, I was disgusted at myself...

Limbo is a soul-sucking despair to all who are in it...

You tell yourself every morning when you wake up that maybe today is the day...

You tell yourself every night before you go to bed that maybe tomorrow will be the day...

You are living in a land of confusion and every minute you live like that is another minute of disservice you are allowing to yourself.

Now look at others who are involved...

Not the person who threw you into limbo because they deserve a post dedicated to each and every one of them, I am speaking of the fallout of limbo on your kids...

Tigger...

To look into his eyes breaks my heart...

To see pain etched on his face caused by another human being unleashes an anger in me I don't think I could even begin to describe...

To see it caused by the one person who should be protecting him, is heartbreaking to me...



I know my pain...

I can touch it and redirect it towards something good...

Until recently I saw his pain however I felt powerless to stop it because I wanted what was best for my marriage and my family.

What was best I thought was lingering in limbo with the hopes that my husband would wake up and truly see the damage he has done and actually want to fix it...

Not sweep it under the rug with an apology but to be truly remorseful...

To truly change and want the same things as me...

So with my confusion a change begun...

A change towards clarity...

I know what I want out of my life - The only life I get..The only chance I have and I want to shine.

I know what I want for his life - The only life he gets...The only chance he has and I want him to shine.

I never wanted him to feel unwanted, unworthy nor unloved and allowing him to be dragged into limbo with me has put those feelings in him...

As his Mother I have chance to undo the damage and make sure that he never feels inadequate again.

Just like me, he is worthy of so much more then what is being offered to him and come hell or high water, I will make sure he gets every chance to grab that and soar...

So the papers are filled out and waiting on a notary stamp...

Personal belongings are divided...

The line in the sand has become clearer...

This isn't just about me and my happiness...

As a parent, I have to remember this is about my boys as well...

Most specially about Tigger...

He deserves to be happy...

He deserves to be loved...

He deserves to feel worthy...

With confusion I thought he would get that no matter what as long as I was willing to stay in limbo and fight for my marriage...

With clarity I realized, I am not willing to stay married for the kids...

I thought by showing my boys you fight for what you believe in I was doing the right thing...

I realized I needed to show them how a relationship is truly supposed to be without sacrificing your soul.

I realized all I needed to believe in was Him and myself...




SIDEWALK PROPHETS
So Don't Live Life In Fear
Forgive and Forget
But Don't Forget Why You're Here
Take Your Time And Pray
These Are The Words I Would Say