A Foot In Two Worlds

"This Is My Command, Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Afraid Or Discouraged. For The Lord Your God Is With You Wherever You Go.
Joshua 1:9

Do you ever feel like your walk with Him is like a game of tug-o-war?

I do, because I am new to this in the sense that I am actually following through with it, I feel torn more often than naught.

Torn between what is comfortable to me. - Old life

And what is very much out of my comfort zone. - New life

I will be the first to admit it is scary to think of placing all your trust and hopes in something you can't "see" with your eyes.

Since I started, I kept one foot in the old world and one in the new world.

Maybe because I needed to have that fallback in case this didn't work out the way I wanted, however the longer I kept the foot in the old world the more torn I felt...

Like I am two separate people inside struggling to go two different ways.

That all came to a huge crash last night at Bible study.

I felt the restlessness, yet couldn't put my finger on it.

The day was long, about to get longer knowing I would work 9 hours and go straight to the Church for another 2-3 hours.

I debated going, yet knew I had to in order to learn what I am going to be preaching about someday.

My Pastor was the only one there when I arrived, I said hi, head down, eyes focused on the floor and went straight to my seat...

I could feel the uneasiness growing within the pit of my stomach and I willed myself to not have a panic attack in the Church.

Within a few minutes, others started to arrive until the Church hall was filled with about 20 people.

Bible study starts with Prayer or should I say 5-6 prayers...

One for each area of the Church and the Church Universal as a whole.

Each person is appointed by the Pastor to pray for a specific area, knowing of my sheer terror of public praying, he hasn't called on me since that last time and last night he asked me very kindly if I was ready yet, to which I shook my head no, fearing if I opened my mouth, the tears would start.

Side note: I don't normally cry people, it has been drilled in my head that it is a sign of weakness so I try not to do it, however something about my Church brings me to tears upon walking in.

He didn't press, he knew something was wrong, as he always does, but he was kind enough to continue Bible study.

One of the prayers is for marriages/families and the lady who prayed last night was so eloquent in her speaking I could feel the hot tears forming in my eyes.

I bowed my head so my face was even to the ground in the hopes that if the tears fell, they would fall straight out of my eyes onto the floor and not mess up my make-up, that way no one would know I was crying. (Yes, I am a dork like that, thank you very much)

I sat there as the panic set in, knowing I was going to have to make a choice quickly to stay or flee...

I could feel my breathing become more shallow, my heart beating a little bit faster, my hands shaking, the prayer ended and I got out of my seat so fast my own head was spinning...

I walked as fast as I could to the bathroom, trying to breathe, trying not to vomit in front of anyone (TMI - sorry) and collect myself from a full blown panic attack.

The tears were streaming so fast, I couldn't wipe them quick enough.

I stood in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror, really looking and wondering how I could get out of there since I left my purse and keys at the table, I couldn't though, I couldn't let Satan win again in my life.

So I cleaned my face as best as I could, makeup was a mess, cheeks were red and skin was almost transparently white from the panic attack, held my head high and went back to my seat.

Finished Bible study, trying desperately to avoid eye to eye contact with my Pastor.

Once the study was over, I tried to get out of there without speaking to anyone, however God had other plans for me in the form of my Minister, who walked up to me, looked me in the eye and just opened his arms.

As I walked into the hug he asked me if I was okay...

(He is the only one that knows I have received divorce papers via email however, I haven't told my Pastor yet.)

I tried to say yes, and the next thing you know, the tears were back, girly crying I call it, you know the kind, sobbing, can't catch your breath, body shaking and heaving etc...

It isn't a pretty sight no matter who you are.

I had the nerve to say yes, yes everything is okay as I am sobbing like a child, he smiles at me and says really?

No I said, no, everything is not alright and I try to tell him about this "being torn" I keep feeling and I don't know where it is coming from.

There are people passing by and I can hear my voice and it is a shrill voice which is so not like me, I see my Pastor on the other side of the Church with a look of concern on his face, my female Minister walks over, hugs me, tells me she loves me and leaves me with my male Minister.

I broke down and told him about feeling like two different people and I think I may be losing my mind and I have anger and I am not supposed to be angry and I am just sad to my core and I am not supposed to be sad and I want to rage and raging is a no-no etc...

So I stuff it all and place the new mask on, the mask that doesn't fit me quite right.

I feel like I am in an endless game of tug-o-war I said...

We are the only ones in the hall now, my Pastor is in his office and everyone else has gone home and he starts explaining to me what is going on within me.

The pull of each world is very real he said, one world I know, I am comfortable in that world, I have friends there and things to do there (that may or may not be sinful), that world has been my comfort for all of my life, yes I have removed things from it that world that were sinful, however I controlled that world, what went on in it, who I allowed in it etc...

The other world, His world is different to me, uncomfortable, like a fish out of water. It is new, the people are new, the things are new and I don't know where I fit. The pull from the new world is the Spirit fighting to keep me focused on Him, the pull from the other world is me, my mind, because it is "safe" to me.

You can't live in both worlds, can't have a foot in two different worlds and not be torn apart.

You can't continue to stuff your anger down, hoping it will go away because it will surface.

The hurt, the disappointment, the sheer pain is normal and must be dealt with otherwise I can't move forward, I will be stuck.

You have to pick a side and plant both feet there.

By this time, we are walking out of the Church, the Pastor asked me if I was okay, I said I would be, the Minister asked me to wait outside as he spoke to the Pastor.

I stood outside, looking at the full moon and a single bright star in the sky and got the overwhelming urge to laugh, and laugh I did, hysterically with tears streaming down my face.

My Minister came out and we finished the conversation, my Pastor came out and again asked me if I was really okay, this time I looked him in the eyes and said yes I was. (Him and I will talk at a later date, my Minister wants me to let him know what is going on)

He drove away leaving us in the parking lot, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "God would never allow you to feel this pain, this hurt to have happened if He didn't have something so much better planned for you".

Start with baby steps, each day make a small goal and stick to it, no matter, as long as it propelling your forward.

You just have to plant your feet, and have Faith, complete Faith in what can't be seen.

This Is What It Means To Be Held
How It Feels When The Sacred Is Torn From Your Life
And You Survive
This Is What It Is To Be Loved
And To Know That The Promise Was
When Everything Fell, We'd Be Held


Twisted Scripture

"A Patient Man Has Great Understanding, But A Quick-Tempered Man Displays Folly."
Proverbs 14:29

It is no secret my lack of patience to anyone who knows me.

I have been trying to practice a deeper understanding of patience, however sometimes the "old me" takes over and gets the best of me.

That happened yesterday in a 3 hour text fest between husband and I.

I know better, I have learned not to get sucked in, sometimes it takes everything I have not to respond (unless it has to do with our boys).

Everything that has happened in the past 19 months, he has controlled, he now wants to control the "terms" of our divorce.

I use the word "terms" loosely because he has apparently taken a leave of his mind if he thinks I would agree to his stipulations.

I won't get into the stipulations here because that isn't what this post is about.

This is about using the Bible and twisting it to justify your choices in life.

"I prayed, I asked for a sign, God didn't give it to me, so He wants me to divorce you."

"Greed is a sin, how can you be a Pastor and ask for anything in the divorce?"

"God wants me happy so he put her back into my life"

"I need to divorce you so I can be more involved in my Church"

"I asked for forgiveness, so I am forgiven"

These are just a handful of excuses I have heard in the past few days, some of them I have heard before, some are new.

Because I believe in my marriage vows, this divorce hasn't been easy for me...

I have fought it each and every step of the way, even though because of his choices, I am free to walk.

I just can't...

99% of me wants to be done with it, to have all ties severed (except in the case of our kids), and truly if I never heard from him again, 50% of me would think I would be okay with that.

And 1% of me, still has hope that the man I met 22 years ago is somehow, some where still locked in the person he has become now.

The man I used to know now stands and throws my Faith in my face, he twists the Bible to fit whatever it is he is doing at that time and is okay with all of it.

After the text mess of yesterday, I made my way to the Church where it was my night to feed the homeless.

First I made my way to the Altar.

As I knelt in the silence, I could feel His pull all around me, I looked to the Cross right in front of me and I could feel the tears burn my eyes, the weight of the entire world felt like it was on my shoulders.

I started to recall the ugliness we had exchanged, the name calling, the evilness of the entire conversation, me, angry at him for using the Bible for justification for what he has done, sad that our 21 year marriage has come to this, doubtful that we will never be able to get past this and parent our boys as they should be.

I prayed, I asked God to forgive me because quite frankly, I give up...

A marriage with two people is hard enough, when it is just one of you fighting while the other is running, it is just about impossible and I know all things are possible with God, I just think that He has something else in store for me.

I can't fight anymore for something that isn't mine.

We were married in a Church, in front of family, friends and most importantly God almost 21 years ago, yet none of that matters to him anymore.

What matters most is himself.

I don't claim to know the whole Bible, I am fairly new at it and I will admit, I don't read it as I should.

However I do know what He says about marriage, adultery and divorce.

That was the first thing I studied when I found myself drawn back to the Church.

There are numerous passages in the Bible that speak about divorce and how much He hates it, even in the case of adultery, He would rather parties be forgiven and reconciliation take place...

They can be found in Malachi, Matthew, Deuteronomy, Ephesians etc...

No where in the Bible does it state that God is going to bring your ex-girlfriend out of your past 28 years later and set off a nuclear bomb in your marriage.

Do not twist the Scripture to fit whatever it is you are doing.

His word is right there in black and white.

If you want to do something in your life that you know is very wrong, don't use God as an excuse for why you are doing it, don't twist the commandments to fit your new lifestyle, own it.

So I'm Off To Follow In Your Steps
It Won't Be Easy, It's Safe To Say
There Are Only Two Roads I Can Walk On Down
The Road Less Traveled Is The One You Paved


The Greatest Romance

"Nor Height, Nor Depth, Nor Any Other Creature, Shall Be Able To Separate Us From The Love Of God, Which Is In Christ Jesus Our Lord."
Romans 8:39

Loving God should never feel like a chore.

It isn't something you do just because you have nothing better to do.

The love you feel is different than the love you have for your spouse or your child.

It is an all-consuming, fire breathing, passionate love that is extremely hard to explain.

You see your spouse, kids, family members, friends...

You can touch them, hug them, hold hands with them, kiss them...

You can't do that with God in the conventional way.

But you can feel it, you can feel His love for you in every fiber of your being.

You feel it in the lyrics of a song, a passage in the Bible, a breeze in your hair, a raindrop on your face, the sun shining down.

You feel it in your deepest sorrow and your most ecstatic joy.

You feel it on the most quietest of nights and the noisiest of days.

You feel it when you are alone and when you are in a crowd of people.

You feel it when you are sitting in Church and when you are sitting at home.

A complete peace, a calmness so still you can't help but smile, a love that transcends through time and space.

A love that will lift you so high you will feel like you are soaring, nothing and no one can touch you or hurt you or shame you.

A perfect, unconditional love, that is how He loves you.

How do you love Him?

How do you show Him the love you have inside of you?

Do you shield the love you have for Him from others, afraid that they may make fun of you?

Afraid they may call you names or think ill of you?

There is a passage in the Bible - Matthew 10:33 that says: "But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in Heaven."

Imagine yourself standing before Him on judgement day, the look of disappointment on His face at the fact that you were to worried about how others would see you, instead of how He sees you.

Have no fear, I did it as well when I first started my walk, and there are some days I catch myself still in that awful cycle.

My life was based on what others always thought of me, my happiness, my self-worth depended on it...

If someone didn't like me, I went out of my way to find out why and once I had the answer, I would move Heaven and Earth to get that person to like me.

Nothing made me more upset than knowing someone didn't like me.

When I started on this journey, those fears were still in place.

As each day passed, I would feel this indescribable love growing within me, yet I didn't know how to get it out.

I would see people worshipping in Church, hands raised towards the Heavens, standing and clapping, tears pouring forth etc....

I couldn't bring myself to lose my self-control, I couldn't allow someone to see me worshipping and praising in the matter which I was being moved to do.

I felt like a fraud, knowing what I know, having done what I have done.

The number one reason I fought the calling to be a Pastor is because of what I have done in my past...

I kept thinking I wasn't good enough to preach His word.

I was a sinner of epic proportions, a loser in the eyes of quite a few people and a person who had zero business behind a pulpit.

However, I read passages that spoke to me, I shared my fears, I prayed, I learned (and am still learning).

Each day He was merciful enough to wake me, I took advantage of it...

I had to fight to not allow myself to succumb to depression, to not despair over my circumstances, to not hate others for what has been done, to not wallow in self-pity.

It hasn't been easy and there are still days when I fall back a few steps, there are days I still land on my rear, however He is still there, with His hand raised towards me, showing me each day how loved I am.

So this past Sunday, I stepped out of my comfort zone, I stood when I felt moved to do so, I clapped, I was even dancing a little bit...

I needed Him to know I love Him, to show Him I was happy to be in His house worshipping.

I smiled, I shed a few tears and I went to the Altar and thanked Him for the previous week...

It wasn't a great week, yet I survived.

I survived because of Him, because of His love for me.

Nothing Can Separate Me
From The Grace That You Gave Free
I Know You'll Never Let Me Go
Even Though You Know My Frailties
Every Single Thing About Me
You Show The Greatest Love That's Known


Blessings From Above

"A Life Devoted To Things Is A Dead Life, A Stump; A God-Shaped Life Is A Flourishing Tree"
Proverbs 11:28

"Open a window and pour out a blessing."

I hear this at Church at least once a Sunday.

Do you know what a blessing from above looks like?

When you count your blessings, what are you truly counting?

Your big house, flashy cars, money in the bank, designer clothing, beautiful jewels?

Well than you might want to stop reading now.

The blessings from Him may not be economic prosperity or getting everything your heart desires.

The blessings from Him are far more better than your house, cars, boats, etc...

All of His goodness and promises are blessings.

In order to receive your blessings, you have to hear and obey His voice in your life.

If you don't listen and you disobey, you get the opposite of a blessing, which is a curse.

You can't willfully disobey God and expect that curses won't fall upon you.

If you do what you are supposed to do & follow His word, curses shall not fall upon you -

"Like A Fluttering Sparrow Or A Darting Swallow, An Undeserved Curse Does Not Come To Rest." Proverbs 26:2

Your life isn't supposed to be lived just to achieve the next new car, a few more bucks in your pocket, a bigger swing-set for your kids in the backyard, a house bigger than your neighbors etc...

Your life should be lived according to His word & what He wants for you...

The blessings He has bestowed upon you are not to be hoarded, they are to be shared and I am not speaking about "stuff" or "things", I am speaking about your fellow man, compassion for the one who is hurting, understanding for the one who is confused, love for the one who feels hate, acceptance for the one who feels rejected, kindness for the one suffering from cruelty, hope where there is nothing but despair.

We have each of these gifts within us, blessings He bestowed and the majority of us choose to turn away and not use them.

The single Mother or Father at Church with the screaming baby, the widow down the street with the overgrown lawn, the homeless under the bridge, the blind man walking down the street, the teenager huddled in the corner, a co-worker who is short this month etc...

Each and every single day we have the opportunity to be a blessing to someone else and the majority of us do not take the chance for fear the person may get mad or you may offend them somehow.

Maybe, they are like me and don't like to ask for help, regardless of the situation...

Maybe, they are too proud...

Maybe, they just don't know how.

I asked at the beginning what does a blessing from above look like?

The answer is the reflection you see when you look in the mirror.

He has blessed you with an abundance to bless others, the choice is yours on whether or not you share those blessings.

I will say this, when you believe God's word and when you live that word each and every day, you will have a deep satisfaction within that no one can ever take from you.

There are many others ways He has blessed you, however this is the one I felt very strongly about, when He was merciful enough to wake me this morning and allow me to have one more day on this Earth.

When you allow yourself to share your blessings with your fellow man, He will bestow upon you so much more than you ever thought possible.

Start Breaking My Heart For What Breaks Yours
Give Me Open Hands And Open Doors
Put Your Light In My Eyes And Let Me See
That My Own Little World Is Not About Me


2009-2015 Serenity ~

All Rights Reserved By Their Respective Copyright Holders

All Pictures (unless otherwise noted) Are Used Via Google Images