"This Is My Command, Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Afraid Or Discouraged. For The Lord Your God Is With You Wherever You Go.
Do you ever feel like your walk with Him is like a game of tug-o-war?
I do, because I am new to this in the sense that I am actually following through with it, I feel torn more often than naught.
Torn between what is comfortable to me. - Old life
And what is very much out of my comfort zone. - New life
I will be the first to admit it is scary to think of placing all your trust and hopes in something you can't "see" with your eyes.
Since I started, I kept one foot in the old world and one in the new world.
Maybe because I needed to have that fallback in case this didn't work out the way I wanted, however the longer I kept the foot in the old world the more torn I felt...
Like I am two separate people inside struggling to go two different ways.
That all came to a huge crash last night at Bible study.
I felt the restlessness, yet couldn't put my finger on it.
The day was long, about to get longer knowing I would work 9 hours and go straight to the Church for another 2-3 hours.
I debated going, yet knew I had to in order to learn what I am going to be preaching about someday.
My Pastor was the only one there when I arrived, I said hi, head down, eyes focused on the floor and went straight to my seat...
I could feel the uneasiness growing within the pit of my stomach and I willed myself to not have a panic attack in the Church.
Within a few minutes, others started to arrive until the Church hall was filled with about 20 people.
Bible study starts with Prayer or should I say 5-6 prayers...
One for each area of the Church and the Church Universal as a whole.
Each person is appointed by the Pastor to pray for a specific area, knowing of my sheer terror of public praying, he hasn't called on me since that last time and last night he asked me very kindly if I was ready yet, to which I shook my head no, fearing if I opened my mouth, the tears would start.
Side note: I don't normally cry people, it has been drilled in my head that it is a sign of weakness so I try not to do it, however something about my Church brings me to tears upon walking in.
He didn't press, he knew something was wrong, as he always does, but he was kind enough to continue Bible study.
One of the prayers is for marriages/families and the lady who prayed last night was so eloquent in her speaking I could feel the hot tears forming in my eyes.
I bowed my head so my face was even to the ground in the hopes that if the tears fell, they would fall straight out of my eyes onto the floor and not mess up my make-up, that way no one would know I was crying. (Yes, I am a dork like that, thank you very much)
I sat there as the panic set in, knowing I was going to have to make a choice quickly to stay or flee...
I could feel my breathing become more shallow, my heart beating a little bit faster, my hands shaking, the prayer ended and I got out of my seat so fast my own head was spinning...
I walked as fast as I could to the bathroom, trying to breathe, trying not to vomit in front of anyone (TMI - sorry) and collect myself from a full blown panic attack.
The tears were streaming so fast, I couldn't wipe them quick enough.
I stood in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror, really looking and wondering how I could get out of there since I left my purse and keys at the table, I couldn't though, I couldn't let Satan win again in my life.
So I cleaned my face as best as I could, makeup was a mess, cheeks were red and skin was almost transparently white from the panic attack, held my head high and went back to my seat.
Finished Bible study, trying desperately to avoid eye to eye contact with my Pastor.
Once the study was over, I tried to get out of there without speaking to anyone, however God had other plans for me in the form of my Minister, who walked up to me, looked me in the eye and just opened his arms.
As I walked into the hug he asked me if I was okay...
(He is the only one that knows I have received divorce papers via email however, I haven't told my Pastor yet.)
I tried to say yes, and the next thing you know, the tears were back, girly crying I call it, you know the kind, sobbing, can't catch your breath, body shaking and heaving etc...
It isn't a pretty sight no matter who you are.
I had the nerve to say yes, yes everything is okay as I am sobbing like a child, he smiles at me and says really?
No I said, no, everything is not alright and I try to tell him about this "being torn" I keep feeling and I don't know where it is coming from.
There are people passing by and I can hear my voice and it is a shrill voice which is so not like me, I see my Pastor on the other side of the Church with a look of concern on his face, my female Minister walks over, hugs me, tells me she loves me and leaves me with my male Minister.
I broke down and told him about feeling like two different people and I think I may be losing my mind and I have anger and I am not supposed to be angry and I am just sad to my core and I am not supposed to be sad and I want to rage and raging is a no-no etc...
So I stuff it all and place the new mask on, the mask that doesn't fit me quite right.
I feel like I am in an endless game of tug-o-war I said...
We are the only ones in the hall now, my Pastor is in his office and everyone else has gone home and he starts explaining to me what is going on within me.
The pull of each world is very real he said, one world I know, I am comfortable in that world, I have friends there and things to do there (that may or may not be sinful), that world has been my comfort for all of my life, yes I have removed things from it that world that were sinful, however I controlled that world, what went on in it, who I allowed in it etc...
The other world, His world is different to me, uncomfortable, like a fish out of water. It is new, the people are new, the things are new and I don't know where I fit. The pull from the new world is the Spirit fighting to keep me focused on Him, the pull from the other world is me, my mind, because it is "safe" to me.
You can't live in both worlds, can't have a foot in two different worlds and not be torn apart.
You can't continue to stuff your anger down, hoping it will go away because it will surface.
The hurt, the disappointment, the sheer pain is normal and must be dealt with otherwise I can't move forward, I will be stuck.
You have to pick a side and plant both feet there.
By this time, we are walking out of the Church, the Pastor asked me if I was okay, I said I would be, the Minister asked me to wait outside as he spoke to the Pastor.
I stood outside, looking at the full moon and a single bright star in the sky and got the overwhelming urge to laugh, and laugh I did, hysterically with tears streaming down my face.
My Minister came out and we finished the conversation, my Pastor came out and again asked me if I was really okay, this time I looked him in the eyes and said yes I was. (Him and I will talk at a later date, my Minister wants me to let him know what is going on)
He drove away leaving us in the parking lot, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "God would never allow you to feel this pain, this hurt to have happened if He didn't have something so much better planned for you".
Start with baby steps, each day make a small goal and stick to it, no matter, as long as it propelling your forward.
You just have to plant your feet, and have Faith, complete Faith in what can't be seen.
This Is What It Means To Be Held
How It Feels When The Sacred Is Torn From Your Life
And You Survive
This Is What It Is To Be Loved
And To Know That The Promise Was
When Everything Fell, We'd Be Held