6/11/10

Beautifully Broken

"Let Them See That This Is Your Doing, That You Yourself Have Done It Lord. Then Let Them Curse Me If They Like, But You Will Bless Me! When They Attack Me, They Will Be Disgraced! But I, Your Servant, Will Go Right On Rejoicing! May My Accusers Be Clothed With Disgrace; May Their Humiliation Cover Them Like A Cloak. But I Will Give Repeated Thanks To The Lord, Praising Him To Everyone. For He Stands Beside The Needy, Ready To Save Them From Those That Condemn Them."
Psalm 109:27-31


He uses broken vessels.

This is something that someone recently told me.

I didn't understand what it meant so I set upon looking into it further.

There are a lot of things I would call myself, broken however isn't one of them.

Yet it clearly states in the Bible ~ The Lord Is Near To The Brokenhearted And Saves The Crushed In Spirit. Psalm 34:18.

Based on that passage, I am indeed a broken vessel.

In my life I have had sorrow, pain, heartbreak, tragedy etc...

He is using me in a way I can share my past to help others.

He has blessed me with the gift I use here, my writing.

He has given me the ability to share my words, my thoughts and my experiences with you.

I have help writing this blog most days...

I have help from Him and there are days when words are placed on my heart and I don't know how to get them out, He then steps in and gives me the clarity I seek within my mind.

It may take a few days however eventually, it will be done.

I am blessed to be able to share what He puts on my heart and in my soul.

I am blessed with a calling I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.

Over the years, and with some choices I made, I became a cracked vessel...

The completely broken vessel would occur about 16 months ago.

Over the years, the very first crack would grow, with each poor decision I made the crack became bigger.

So what happens to something that is broken?

You either throw it away or you try to repair it...

I couldn't technically throw myself away...

I could have thrown my life away with even more poor choices, justified by poor excuses.

I could have tried to repair the damage myself, however there is truly only so much one person can do.

Somewhere along the way, He called my name.

You all know I didn't attend Church regularly.

Last year on Father's Day would be the first time I stepped into a Church in over 20 years.

Yet during the darkest moments of the past year, He is the first one I have finally come to rely on...

I speak to Him when I get up, when I go to bed and numerous times during the day...

The One I pushed away so many years ago, is the only one who could have healed me.

Because I heard a voice , deep within where no one else has ever occupied, I was drawn to that...

He took my brokenness and filled my soul with joy, with peace, with hope.

He took my broken heart, carefully mended it and now carries it close to Him, never to be handed out to anyone who doesn't go through Him first.

He has all the tears I cry in a jar.

He knows each and every hair on my head, dreams I have and sorrows I still carry...

He knows I am terrified with the calling He laid upon me, yet He calms me so I know it is right.

I can remember back to every "fire" I have walked through in my life and I can be grateful for the brokenness each lesson gave me...

I would never have been so blessed to have heard Him otherwise.

NEEDTOBREATHE
And The Water Is Risin' Quick
And For Years I Was Scared Of It
We Can't Be Sure When It Will Subside
So I Won't Leave Your Side, No I Can't Leave Your Side

6/10/10

A Long Time Coming...

"You Want What You Don't Have, So You Scheme And Kill To Get It. You Are Jealous Of What Others Have, But You Can't Get It, So You Fight And Wage War To Take It Away From Them. Yet You Don't Have What You Want Because You Don't Ask God For It. And Even When You Ask, You Don't Get It Because Your Motives Are All Wrong - You Only Want What Will Give You Pleasure."
James 4:2-3

I have touched on infidelity as well as mid-life crisis, however not as in depth as I would like.

I have spent the past year reading and learning all I can on the two subjects.

Today I want to broach the subject of mid-life crisis.

I have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in a mid-life crisis.

I believe it is an excuse for extremely bad behavior as well as bad choices.

This is my blog, therefore this is my opinion.

A "mid-life" crisis seems to be about a person who has never really been 100% behind the decisions they have made earlier in life therefore they always have the "what if" syndrome, somewhere down the line they begin to question the choices they have made.

Next comes the "grass is always greener" scenario...A new mate, a new car, a new job etc...

Instead of taking the time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be, most people at this point begin to wallow.

They wallow in the past because it was more fun, a time filled with less responsibility, possibly no children , an easier job etc...

You start to question your own mortality and let us face it, no one wants to think about their own demise.

Right here at this point on the path is where your true character will shine through -

You will either sit down to adjust your old plan, possibly make a new one or you will blow up your life with the greatest of fanfare.

Let us delve deeper into the second choice, the choice to decimate everything in your life.

You wake up one day and decide this life that you have spent years building is no longer for you, it hits you like a ton of bricks, you want out and nothing or no one is going to stop you from the freedom and happiness you feel you are suddenly entitled to.

No matter that the day before you were happy and content with all the blessings you had, or at least that is the picture you so kindly painted to those around you.

The urge to flee from all that you think is causing your unhappiness is overwhelming...

So you do what any self-centered, selfish, rebellious child does - You run.

You don't worry about the consequences because quite frankly you don't have to care anymore, no matter that you are leaving nothing but a hole the size of Texas behind.

You leave behind a mountain of debt, a family in ruins, children that are devastated, a spouse who doesn't know their butt from a hole in the ground because you were to childish to handle yourself like a mature adult.

You take up with one or more new members of the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you out there), you throw all your morals out the window, justifying your actions.

Anything to take away the pain you are running from.

If your significant other is anything like me, the first few weeks or months will be mind-numbing...

They will go through the motions of living yet nothing is quite sinking in.

They will doubt everything they have ever been taught, every life lesson learned up until this point will come into play.

If you have taken a new lover, then the pain is a whole new ballgame for your significant other.

A pain, so intense I never, ever want to feel like that again.

Once the numbness wears off, (and yes it will wear off because you will have to eventually accept and feel again) and you are capable of moving throughout the day without breaking into a heap of puddles on the floor, you will feel this pain...

It is raw and fierce and it reaches deep into the core of your very shattered soul.

It can creep up unexpectedly throughout the day so by this point in time, I am praying you have a fantastic support system because you will need them now more then ever.

Next to the death of a loved one, I personally don't think anything matches it.

In the wake of your selfishness, you have destroyed the one person on the face of this earth that you promised to love, honor and cherish.

The thought of forgiveness will be absolutely nauseating...

Betrayed by the one you loved the most, the one you trusted the most.

So what happens if your significant other decides to stand by you as you carry on through life like you haven't a care in the world?

Slowly, day by day, minute by minute, second by second, with the knowledge that you are still acting like a teenager gone wild, you will kill their love for you.

They try with every ounce of their being to hold onto what you both used to share, they tell their friends, their families, anyone who will listen that they still love you, they stand by you, they support you, all the while questioning deep inside if they are not worth a little more then what has been handed to them. (If you are right here, questioning, let it be known that you are indeed worth more then this.)

They justify your cheating on them with a nice neat label called?

You guessed it, a mid-life crisis.

They fear letting go because they don't know what is around the corner for them on this new path you threw them onto.

They will try to hold on as long as they possibly can just to avoid making sound decisions for their own lives and the lives of any children you may have together.

Why is that?

Because you are kind enough to drop teeny, tiny crumbs that keep them hoping that maybe, just maybe you will actually grow up and pull your head out of your butt.

False hope is a hideous thing to have, believing that something can occur and getting your hopes up, when in all reality, there is no chance that it can occur.

If you dish out false hope, and drop crumbs and sit on the fence because you want to have your cake and eat it as well, then you are nothing more then a vile, despicable and repugnant worm of a human being...

You want to take another lover, so be it, at least have the common human decency to end it with the person you have in your life now.

Stop dishing out the crumbs and move on 100% completely, make the choice and stop holding your partner in limbo land with your wishy-washiness.

Let them move on unhindered to a happier life then they can even imagine right now.

That would be the kindest thing you could possibly do.

If you happen to actually want to work things out, you need to have remorse for your actions.

Not a year or two or five down the road, now, right this minute.

The fact that your significant other is contemplating even taking you back regardless of your actions speaks volumes for their character.

If you happen to receive that chance, don't blow it.

Get on your knees and thank Him for the wonderful human being who is standing in front of you, because I will say this, you will never, ever know the pain that person has been going through, pain you inflicted on them...

I see my friends suffering, hurt and devastated on a daily basis due to these actions.

I wish I knew a way to take the pain away from each of them and to each of you who is in this exact scenario, you are never alone.

SKILLET
No, You'll Never Be Alone
When Darkness Comes
I'll Light The Night With Stars
Hear My Whispers In The Dark

6/9/10

Shades Of Gray

"But Solid Food Belongs To Those Who Are Full Of Age, That Is, Those Who By Reason Of Use Have Their Senses Exercised To Discern Both Good And Evil."
Hebrews 5:14

Though it is subtle, there is indeed a difference between morals and ethics.

Morals define your personal character.

Ethics point to a standard or behavior by the group to which you belong.

A moral code is unchanging (usually), however your ethics can change based on the environment you are surrounded by.

Morals are not to be used to judge the behavior of other people rather they are to help you distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil.

Each and every single person has their own moral code, ingrained into them from the beginning, based on your own background, culture, experiences etc...and what I may think is immoral may be ok for the next person.

Your morals should not change for your own convenience, to justify something you know is completely wrong.

The line blurs when you start talking about ethics...

So very close to morals upon trying to define them you begin to wonder if they are not one in the same...

Here is an example...

There is a man who knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife, yet sets out with justifications and does it anyway - That is an ethical man...

Then there is a man who knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, so he doesn't cheat - That is a moral man...

Both men (or women, however you want to look at it) knows it is completely wrong to cheat on their spouse, yet only one takes into consideration the effect it will have upon his spouse.

Simply put, an ethical man knows not to do it, a moral man won't do it.

Take me for example...

I have had the chance a couple of times to "exact my revenge on my husband"...

I could have slept with several different men by now...

Ethically I could easily justify it by saying "Well he did it to me so turn about is fair play." Or "In the eyes of God my marriage was broken the moment he cheated on me."

Morally, regardless of what he has done, I know it is wrong so I choose to hold onto the morals that have been instilled into me from as far back as I can remember.

Always...

No matter what...

No matter who...

No matter the circumstance...

Treat each and every single person you know, you love or you just met the way you want to be treated.

LIFEHOUSE
He Says He Looks In The Mirror
He Can't Tell Anymore
Who He Really Is And Who They Believe Him To Be
And He Says He Walks A Thin Lin
Between What Is And What Could Be


6/8/10

A Prayer And A Plan

"And He Gave Some, Apostles; And Some, Prophets; And Some, Evangelists; And Some, Pastors And Teachers; For The Perfecting Of The Saints, For The Work Of The Ministry, For The Edifying Of The Body Of Christ: Till We All Come In The Unity Of The Faith, And Of The Knowledge Of The Son Of God, Unto A Perfect Man, Unto The Measure Of The Stature Of The Fullness Of Christ."
Ephesians 4:11-13

"Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy WILL be done. Not ours', not our families', not our friends' but THY WILL...Will be done. Because you are God, so hold us close dear Father and help us, because Your understanding and plans are unknown to us. In our confusion, our hurt, our pain, our torment, hold us tighter. Give us the strength and commitment to stay fast to Your words, and do not allow the Devil to steal our salvation. Please, send us more Brothers and Sisters who are in Your will and know how to communicate with us, to keep us firm and steadfast on our path. We are weak dear God, we don't know better, we are easily overcome, we are easily distracted. Help us dear God . Help us to remain focused on You and Your Word and Your Will." Amen

After that prayer, I am not sure how to begin...

The prayer, though in my heart, is not mine...

The person who prayed it with me wishes to remain anonymous so I respect that...

I do however have permission to reprint it here.
I have done a lot of soul-searching this past year...

Questioned what am I going to do as I move into a new chapter...

A chapter I never asked for, never expected and never wanted...

Yet that is exactly what He gave me.

Freedom from the chains that bound me from doing His work...

Freedom from the chains that held me back from speaking His word...

He set me free...

Free from the prison I had locked myself into...

Free from my private pain that I carry wherever I go...

He never stopped knocking, calling, or whispering to me...

He waited patiently on the other side of my heart until I was ready to surrender to Him completely...

Because He loves me like no other, He never gave up.

I spent so much time living with anguish and regret about my past, never thinking it all happened for a reason...

Never thinking, my past has carved me into what you see today.

The experiences I carry within are to teach me, never to torment me.

The relationships I have had, were there to teach me a lesson, never intended to tear me apart or to dishonor me.

So for all the people I know, the people I love or have loved, I turn them over to Him...

The freedom I have now is a choice He gave me...

Yes I could have continued to wait, in the hopes that my husband would eventually wake up sometime in the near future, however that is not living, that is just being.

I tried to free myself from the chains, however He was the one who gave me true freedom...

The freedom to love, the freedom to receive love, the freedom to soar.

Higher then I ever thought would be possible for someone like me...

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would amount to much of anything...

I never thought I was worthy because of the choices I have made.

I am more then worthy, He has shown me as well as spoken it to me...

So as I move in this new chapter, what am I going to do with my new found freedom you ask?

Some of you know, most of you don't, some of you were shocked, those that know my heart, however were not...

After much deliberation back and forth with Him (well I deliberated and He stood firm even as I kept saying "You do know who you are talking to correct?" and I am pretty sure I threw a "Are you crazy?" in there as well) and what I felt He was calling me to do,

I have decided to go back to school in the fall.....Seminary School.

FANCY
Running Wild, Far Away
Sailing Through The Night
Burning Love, A Star Away
Following The Light

6/7/10

Which Is The Most Valuable?

"They Shall Be Mine, Says The Lord Of Hosts, On The Day That I Make Them My Jewels. And I Will Spare Them As A Man Spares His Own Son Who Serves Him."
Malachi 3:17

Just like a precious gem, all of God's people are different.

Some are bigger then others, marveled for their courage, strength, or love...

Some are smaller yet just as precious, marveled for their meekness, their gentleness, or their patience...

All gems are valuable, though not all are created equally.

Some are man-made, however all are God made.

Some have flaws that show, while others are able to hide their flaws from the naked eye...

No matter which jewel you are, you are still being formed through Him...

We know the origin of the gem you are, some of you are in the cutting, while others are moving onto the polishing...

I see myself as still being in the cutting phase...

There are still sides of me that are being discovered and sides that have yet to see the light of day...

He knew my origin, He made me, He knows how all this will end...

So each day I endure a little more cutting, a little more filing and a whole lot of polishing so I am able to be made into the jewel He wants me to be.

I try to look forward to the polishing, forward to Him making me shine as brightly as I possibly can...

I know which jewel I am, which one are you?

The Emerald?

Greener then the hills of Ireland, sparkling when the light hits it.

Maybe you are a Pearl?

Formed in the sea under the shell of an oyster, not sparkling, yet still just as beautiful.

Maybe you are a Ruby?

Redder then the blood that flowed for our sins, equally enchanting when the light hits it...

Possibly a Sapphire?

Bluer then the oceans & the skies, gorgeous when hit by the sun.

Some of you are Diamonds...

A diamond is God made, found deep in the depths of the Earth, practically indestructible no matter what is done to it.

Regardless of which one you are, in order to be in the crown jewels of the King, your soul has to be polished so that it may sparkle magnificently.

It is a long process, because each and every facet has to be tendered to.

Each and every single fire you walk through within life is part of the polishing process...

In order to shine a little brighter, you have to endure the flames.

This pertains to each and every single person on the face of this Earth...

No one is without problems, I don't care who you are...

Each person before you had problems as well, some well more magnified then the ones you are shouldering...

All the way back to Adam and Eve...

Trials and tribulations are laced throughout the Bible...

The only perfect man to have ever walked this land was Him...

No matter how hard you try to live it, you will never ever come close...

You were not meant to be perfect...

You are a flawed gem.

Destined to be a sinner...

Like a flawed gem, some hide it better then others...

I know I am not perfect and I screw up multiple times a day, I admit that...

Yes life would be much easier if I was a perfect gem...

I would have no flaws and I would shine unlike anything you have ever seen before...

That time will come though...

After I am long gone....

Once my polishing is done, my time here is done...

Just like each and every one of you...

We are all here to shine the light of whatever gem He has chosen us to be into the lives of others...

To sparkle, to do His work and leave a lasting impression on each and every single individual you meet on your journey through life.

You have but one life...

One chance to get it right, so make sure each mark you leave is one filled with compassion, tenderness, caring, joy, respect, kindness and love...

I asked the question, "Which one is most valuable?"

As a precious gem headed for His crown, I think each of us is, no matter which gem we are.

CASTING CROWNS
Or Would Your Eyes Be Opened
Or Would You Walk Away
Would The Love Of Jesus
Be Enough To Make You Stay



The Reflection In My Eyes...

"He Has Made Everything Beautiful In Its Time. He Has Also Set Eternity In The Hearts Of Men; Yet They Cannot Fathom What God Has Done From Beginning To End."
Ecclesiastes 3:11

I sometimes stand in front of the mirror and search my eyes...

I wonder what people see when they look within me and not at me...

Not at my face, my nose, my mouth etc...

I wonder if they even take the time to see me as a complete person...

I see pain & weariness reflected in my eyes...

I see the toll the past 16 months has taken...

I also see shame and disgrace...

I also see embarrassment and humiliation...

There are fleeting glimpses of rage as well as indifference...

I could almost see some hate depending on the day, however it is very quick to pass by, never staying long enough to fester...

I see pity and I see sorrow...

I also see light and I see love and I see a promise of a better tomorrow...

I see everything He put there as a reflection of Him...

The trees in front of me, the clouds passing by, the smile on my little ones' face...

The frailness of my Grandmother's hand on my arm enquiring if I am alright...

The cardinal in the backyard, the blue-jays, the squirrels, the flowers that grow, the sunsets, the sunrises, the shooting stars across the night sky...

The past comes into play while looking deep within...

A past I will never be able to erase, I will never be able to forget, as I struggle with forgiving myself for the wrongdoings I have committed...

I see the exact moment, frozen in time that I received my first high, the first time I felt a blade trail across my skin, the one night I wish I could erase from memory...

I see the day my husband sat in the garage and told me the words that would forever change the person I used to be...

I see the birth of both my boys...

I see the loss of my nephew at such a young age...

I see financial difficulties, decimated relationships and love shattered by selfishness...

I see the moment in time I turned away from His love and all He offered.

The reflection changes and I see new things...

I see new people within my life, friends I would do anything for and they are added to almost daily...

I see new dreams that I have only shared with a select few...

I see a man closer to me than my own real brother whom I cherish more than words could ever say...

I see something I haven't seen for quite some time...

I see light within the darkness, joy within the sorrow...

I see my Faith has been multiplied more than I ever thought possible...

I see something I never thought I would see again, His love reflecting back at me.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
And I'll Still Love You
Beyond What Words Can Say
I'll Take Your Every Suffering Moment
And Bring A Better Day


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