The Purest Form Of Pain

"Turn To Me And Be Gracious To Me, For I Am Lonely And Afflicted. Relieve The Troubles Of My Heart And Free Me From My Anguish."
Psalm 25:16-17 

The pain of infidelity, abandonment and betrayal, cuts deep, to your very soul.

Not only do you have to go through the grief process of the betrayal and infidelity, there is a separate process for abandonment.

When an important relationship ends without shared grieving and without mutuality in the decision to split, abandonment happens.

If someone you love has left you with little or no warning, it can open wounds that reach all the way back to childhood.

If you have abandonment issues in your past, your current experience can bring up feelings you may have buried long ago.

This is a very frightening, painful experience that cuts to your very core.

I have spent 21 months working on these issues, working on forgiveness, trying to accept the pain of non-acceptance.

When bad things happen, people most likely will fight the reality of it.

This takes a lot of energy and results in a lot of pain.

This energy and suffering is in vain because we can never escape what has already happened.

I know that him leaving me had much more to do with him and his issues than it did with me, still that thought doesn't lesson the blow.

It isn't something I can say to my 7 year old and expect him to be okay with what his Dad has done.

Personally I thought I was doing pretty good with all things considered, how wrong I was and it all shattered around me on Wednesday night.

This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster for some reason, I have felt on edge and weepy and we all know I don't "do" weepy well.

There hasn't been any contact between him and I for almost a month, for whatever reason he has conjured up, I cease to exist now and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

When I say no contact, that is exactly what I mean, no checking on Tigger, nothing about Eeyore...

21 years of marriage, contact every single day, now if I was on fire on the side of the road, I think he would cross just to avoid wasting water.

Wednesday nights are looked forward to, Bible study (even if the Pastor calls on me to pray out loud), it comes right in the middle of the week, breaks up the work week.

This past Wednesday, I just didn't have it in me, I went to Church and sat in the parking lot, texted G and told him I was just sitting there in the dark, staring at the Church and quite honestly what in the world was wrong with me this week.

I debated going home, yet knew I had to go in, if nothing, then just to be in His presence...

I opened the back door, and something took over me, I walked straight to my Pastors' office and told him that even though we have Bible study, I just couldn't, I needed to be alone with Him and could I please just sit in the Sanctuary, alone for awhile.

"What's wrong", he asked, "Nothing" I replied, I just need to be with Him, there is that look of concern he seems to wear whenever I come around lately, "You sure"?


"Go on in, close the door and take all the time you need".

As I closed the door to separate me from the participators of Bible study, I walked into the darkened Sanctuary, the only light, a dim spotlight over the pulpit, no noise, perfect...

I sat in the front row and stared at the pulpit, knowing I would be up there in due time and I tried to focus on that, the air around me became so thick, I could hardly breathe, my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and the tears came...

For 50 straight minutes, I cried...

For the complete loss of the dreams I had for my marriage, about our relationship and where it was heading, and losing this dream has been a rude & frightening awakening.

The pain was so intense, I didn't think I would be able to get past it...

Almost as bad, if not worse than when the affair was finally brought to the light, just a pure, white, hot pain from deep within...

So I started talking to Him aloud, in the hopes that the sobbing would subside and I wouldn't end up in the mental ward anytime soon.

And in between gasping for air, blowing my nose, wiping my eyes, I poured it all out, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of self-doubt, the shattered ego, the worry, the utter fear, the thoughts of cutting again, the thoughts of using again, anything to self-medicate and make the time just freeze for a few hours.

As I sat there, paced there, prayed there and walked there, something shifted, in the air and in myself, the air wasn't quite so heavy, I wasn't quite so heavy within.

I felt peace, the peace I had been seeking all along.

He was there, there is no doubt in my mind, His house, His child, crying out to Him, begging Him to please make the hurt go away.

In my purest form of pain, I found His comfort, His strength and most importantly His love.

Next thing you know, I heard voices, I forgot the back of the Church was filled with people...

I went to the restroom, what a mess...

Mascara running, face red, eyes puffy, so I waited until I didn't hear any more chatter before I left, basically because I didn't want anyone to see me and as I opened the door, the first person I saw was the Pastors' wife...

She looked at me long and hard, walked over and hugged me, whispered in my ear "Everything will be alright" and didn't even ask what was wrong, I asked her to thank the Pastor for the time he gave me and I finally went home.

Am I better today?

Yes, after another breakdown yesterday, and a few choice words from G, I know I will be okay, I know this isn't about me, I know when my divorce is final, He will forgive me, I know He has greater plans for me.

I know finally what this means ~ Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

'Cause This Is Not About What You've Done
But What's Been Done For You
This Is Not About Where You've Been
But Where Your Brokenness Brings You To


Just A Song

"Save Me, O God; For The Waters Are Come In Unto My Soul."
Psalm 69:1

I am sinking in the river that is raging.

I am drowning.

Will I ever, rise to breathe again?

I wanna know why.

I just wanna understand.

Will I ever know why?

How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be, just slips away like water through my hands.

And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down, like they’re all made of sand.

I won’t, let go of You now.

because I know, oh, You’re not shaken.

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear.

All the questions with no answers.

So grip me while I’m here.

And I may never know why.

Oh I may not understand.

But I will lift up my eyes,

and trust this is Your plan.

When I am in the valley

of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken

You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and

You have never left

You're not shaken

You're not shaken

By Phil Stacey

Ever have just one of those days where nothing seems to come together?

No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you hope, everything just feels like sand slipping through your fingers.

You try to catch your breath before the next wave threatens to overtake you, yet it feels like there isn't enough time to take a deep one, you are tempted to just give in, let the waves thrash you about, tossing and turning you, letting you land wherever the water chooses to spit you out, thinking that perhaps, just today, the waves are a better choice than the fight it takes to stay above them.

That is the kind of day I am having today.

Maybe You're Wondering Where Love Is
You May Feel It's Far Away From Here
Maybe You're Wondering Where I Am
You Might Be Surprised To Find I'm Near


Through The Valley

"Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, I Will Fear No Evil: For Thou Art With Me; Thy Rod And Thy Staff They Comfort Me."
Psalm 23:4

The above verse used to scare me, I wanted no part of "the valley of the shadow of death", thank you very much...

As I become more mature in Christ, things that used to stand out to me have a whole new meaning now and this Scripture is one of them.

It doesn't say "valley of death", however it is emphasizing how in the valley, "death" is just a shadow, an illusion, not real.

It is a reminder that the evil, decaying things of the world cannot harm us, as long as He is walking beside us, they are just scary illusions.

In our lives, we all face transitions and in those transitions comes a point when we must move from point A to point B, it is in that move when we are most vulnerable.

Scared, of what we are about to face, fear, of the unknown, doubt, we can do what we are being called to do, confusion, that perhaps we will fail, impatience, because we aren't moving forward as fast as we want to move.

Upon entering the valley, you have got to remember to continue to move forward, otherwise you will become stuck and now is not the time to stop and have a picnic.

Satan would love nothing more than to find you, alone in the valley, having a self-pity picnic, table for one, complete with lack of self-worth and a little bit of self-doubt sprinkled on top for good measure.

 If you don't allow God to be right beside you as you walk through the darkness, you won't be able to find your way out...

Trust me, it gets mighty dark in there.

Each step you take in the valley, He is walking right beside you, it is up to you to call on Him to guide you out.

When I began this journey, someone once told me, "When and how God chooses to comfort you may come as a surprise, but comfort almost always comes in the form of another human being. The right words, spoken at the right time lift your broken heart and broken spirit. They give you hope that life will go on."

I call on Him, a lot, all day, every day.

I speak to Him more than I speak to anyone, yet somedays I still find myself in the middle of the valley, darkness all around and it still isn't second nature to call on Him to shine a light on my path.

I do know in my heart that with His help, I am greater than what I fear, I just have to remember that.

I believe that during transition, you are susceptible to spiritual warfare, it is during this time that you are weak, tired of fighting, weary, that the enemy will come in with a vengeance.

He doesn't want you to be able to move forward with God, so he will do all he can to hold you back, he will kindly play the trumpet at your pity party picnic.

Which is where my blessed Father found me today, spinning circles in the valley of darkness, after I called out to Him, He sent my dear brother to help pull me out.

Not that G isn't always around, he is, anytime of the day/night.

I know that no matter what, all I have to do is seek him out and he will drop anything, that is a very sacred blessing to me, an answer to a prayer I asked for long ago and He blessed me with a friend who will go the extra mile. No. Matter. What.

The spiritual bond I have with him is unlike anything I have ever known, he knows just by the way I answer something, how my mood is...

I can't hide behind IM or text with him, he just knows and I am forever grateful for that...

He knew today I was swimming in the lake of despair, or as he put it "That is resentment, Sis" and he will allow me to get it all out, yet he will halt a pity party picnic in a heartbeat.

He won't allow me to own my husbands' affair nor abandonment, though I will admit I do try.

He has been one of the biggest surprises in this mess, yet one of the ones I am most thankful for.

The "why" is what gets me and when I ask all I get are "crickets", and yes, I hate it...

(There in lies my pity picnic today....Why, why, why, blah, blah, blah...)

Hate the sin, not the sinner...

That is what I am trying to distinguish between.

I was raised to "do unto others", however I want to raise my boys that you treat people with respect, kindness, love and compassion, regardless of how they treat you.

In the midst of infidelity, it is almost inhuman to ask me to treat my husband like that and when we do interact, it takes all of my strength to do so.

The walk in the valley has been long, the season has been almost unrelenting, yet the bright spots are blinding...

The valley of shadows is not a place to picnic at, it isn't a place to lay down our blanket or tablecloth and it isn't a place to stop and admire the beauty of our pain, this isn't the time to be resting.

The valley of the shadows is a place where the Bible calls us to keep on walking because suffering is not only something we will go through, it is also something that we have to get through, the pathway to obedience and the race that takes perseverance to glory and victory.

The promise of His word, is that God will be with us as we walk.

He will guard our steps, He will give us strength & with His mercy, He will enable us to cope.

He will walk with us even through our unsolved problems, correct us when we need correcting, and in the end, we will come to that new pasture.

He knows where we are going and is committed to guiding us, even if we have to walk through the valley to get there.

In The Lone Hour Of My Sorrow
Through The Darkest Night Of My Soul
You Surround Me And Sustain Me
My Defender, Forevermore


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