The Purest Form Of Pain

"Turn To Me And Be Gracious To Me, For I Am Lonely And Afflicted. Relieve The Troubles Of My Heart And Free Me From My Anguish."
Psalm 25:16-17 

The pain of infidelity, abandonment and betrayal, cuts deep, to your very soul.

Not only do you have to go through the grief process of the betrayal and infidelity, there is a separate process for abandonment.

When an important relationship ends without shared grieving and without mutuality in the decision to split, abandonment happens.

If someone you love has left you with little or no warning, it can open wounds that reach all the way back to childhood.

If you have abandonment issues in your past, your current experience can bring up feelings you may have buried long ago.

This is a very frightening, painful experience that cuts to your very core.

I have spent 21 months working on these issues, working on forgiveness, trying to accept the pain of non-acceptance.

When bad things happen, people most likely will fight the reality of it.

This takes a lot of energy and results in a lot of pain.

This energy and suffering is in vain because we can never escape what has already happened.

I know that him leaving me had much more to do with him and his issues than it did with me, still that thought doesn't lesson the blow.

It isn't something I can say to my 7 year old and expect him to be okay with what his Dad has done.

Personally I thought I was doing pretty good with all things considered, how wrong I was and it all shattered around me on Wednesday night.

This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster for some reason, I have felt on edge and weepy and we all know I don't "do" weepy well.

There hasn't been any contact between him and I for almost a month, for whatever reason he has conjured up, I cease to exist now and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

When I say no contact, that is exactly what I mean, no checking on Tigger, nothing about Eeyore...

21 years of marriage, contact every single day, now if I was on fire on the side of the road, I think he would cross just to avoid wasting water.

Wednesday nights are looked forward to, Bible study (even if the Pastor calls on me to pray out loud), it comes right in the middle of the week, breaks up the work week.

This past Wednesday, I just didn't have it in me, I went to Church and sat in the parking lot, texted G and told him I was just sitting there in the dark, staring at the Church and quite honestly what in the world was wrong with me this week.

I debated going home, yet knew I had to go in, if nothing, then just to be in His presence...

I opened the back door, and something took over me, I walked straight to my Pastors' office and told him that even though we have Bible study, I just couldn't, I needed to be alone with Him and could I please just sit in the Sanctuary, alone for awhile.

"What's wrong", he asked, "Nothing" I replied, I just need to be with Him, there is that look of concern he seems to wear whenever I come around lately, "You sure"?


"Go on in, close the door and take all the time you need".

As I closed the door to separate me from the participators of Bible study, I walked into the darkened Sanctuary, the only light, a dim spotlight over the pulpit, no noise, perfect...

I sat in the front row and stared at the pulpit, knowing I would be up there in due time and I tried to focus on that, the air around me became so thick, I could hardly breathe, my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and the tears came...

For 50 straight minutes, I cried...

For the complete loss of the dreams I had for my marriage, about our relationship and where it was heading, and losing this dream has been a rude & frightening awakening.

The pain was so intense, I didn't think I would be able to get past it...

Almost as bad, if not worse than when the affair was finally brought to the light, just a pure, white, hot pain from deep within...

So I started talking to Him aloud, in the hopes that the sobbing would subside and I wouldn't end up in the mental ward anytime soon.

And in between gasping for air, blowing my nose, wiping my eyes, I poured it all out, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of self-doubt, the shattered ego, the worry, the utter fear, the thoughts of cutting again, the thoughts of using again, anything to self-medicate and make the time just freeze for a few hours.

As I sat there, paced there, prayed there and walked there, something shifted, in the air and in myself, the air wasn't quite so heavy, I wasn't quite so heavy within.

I felt peace, the peace I had been seeking all along.

He was there, there is no doubt in my mind, His house, His child, crying out to Him, begging Him to please make the hurt go away.

In my purest form of pain, I found His comfort, His strength and most importantly His love.

Next thing you know, I heard voices, I forgot the back of the Church was filled with people...

I went to the restroom, what a mess...

Mascara running, face red, eyes puffy, so I waited until I didn't hear any more chatter before I left, basically because I didn't want anyone to see me and as I opened the door, the first person I saw was the Pastors' wife...

She looked at me long and hard, walked over and hugged me, whispered in my ear "Everything will be alright" and didn't even ask what was wrong, I asked her to thank the Pastor for the time he gave me and I finally went home.

Am I better today?

Yes, after another breakdown yesterday, and a few choice words from G, I know I will be okay, I know this isn't about me, I know when my divorce is final, He will forgive me, I know He has greater plans for me.

I know finally what this means ~ Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

'Cause This Is Not About What You've Done
But What's Been Done For You
This Is Not About Where You've Been
But Where Your Brokenness Brings You To

1 comment:

  1. wow what a post...wow just wow very powerful


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