2010 - Long Post

A new day, a new year, a new decade and a new beginning.

I for one am happy to let 2009 go...

It holds to many bad memories for me though where there is bad there is also good.

I have met so many new people through my blog as well a couple of various other places online.

I have a Church to call home and a Pastor I absolutely adore.

I finally found my walk however still looking for my purpose...

I have grown in Faith...

I have hope for a brighter future.

I lost a lot in 2009, not just material things, I lost my way and I lost myself.

My husband threw away a 20 year marriage for another woman.

Not only was another woman thrown into the mix, he also became cruel and
heartless in the space of 11 months.

As of this past Friday (yes New Year's Day) he has decided to cut off all financial
support for me and the boys.

I stood by and took whatever he threw at me.

As I continued to stand taller, he continued to sink lower.

He re-wrote our whole marriage to suit his new life.

He stopped being there for our boys emotionally, mentally, physically
and now financially.

He demonized me, lied about me and dragged me through the mud on his
journey to a life he felt entitled to have at the expense of anyone standing in his path.

He hurt me more then words can ever describe.

He betrayed me in a way I would never have expected.

The pain and agony I have lived with in the last 11 months is something I
would never wish on my worst enemy.

Because of his actions, I was thrown into the ultimate tailspin...

I couldn't find my way out of the valley.

I contemplated suicide on more then one occasion.

I self-injured more times then I care to count.

I cried, raged, fell to my knees time and time again only to get right back up,
I blogged and wrote until my fingers hurt, I moaned, whined, screamed,
spiraled into an emotional black hole, I prayed, bargained, begged all to no avail.

I still have a lot of fight left in me however I am redirecting it -

For myself - For my boys.

I have learned I am a better person because of this trial.

The trials, troubles and tribulations of the past year have given me strength I never
knew I could possess, patience I never knew I wanted and clarity to do the right thing.

There is still a teeny piece of me who is in disbelief about all that has transpired
however eventually that piece will have the same strength the rest of me has.

The day he cut us off financially was the day I reached my breaking point.

Today I removed my wedding rings.

Today I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck.

Today I asked for a little more strength for the coming days.

I had to re-evaluate my beliefs -

I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in hope, I believe in love,
I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all others,
and morals you can live with each & everyday.

Everyone should have beliefs, common decency, ethics, morals, goodness,
honor, integrity, honesty, principals, standards & values.

I never compromised my integrity, my principals or myself.

My love for my husband never wavered until the day he took from my boys.

That line in the sand can't be erased - Those true colors can't be taken back.

He would prefer we starve and live on the streets then to take care of what we built
so very long ago.

He compromised himself and his common decency and I will no longer be dragged
down with him.

So I put my pride aside and I will be filing for a divorce - Even though it goes
against my beliefs, I have to believe in myself a little bit more.

I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness not hate and bitterness.

I will continue to forgive because that is a gift I give myself.

I will continue to walk forward because my present and my future are
a million times better then my past - Something my husband could never wrap
his mind around.

My blessings are out there somewhere and I am on a journey to find them.

Today I no longer settle for silver - I am looking for gold - (Thank you Gracie).

Will it be easy?

I doubt it however life was never promised to be easy.

Will there be tears along the way?

No doubt about it - however tears are a way to cleanse the soul.

Will I falter along the way?

Absolutely - However I have Him to pick me up and set me on the right path along the way.

I will never be alone again.

I will never again be a doormat for anyone on the face of this earth.

I will never again walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.

I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.

I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.

I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else
to do it for me.

That is my new beginning - My wish for 2010.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away, Stepped In
And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say, Amen
And It's Still Raining.