I am such a horrible blogger and I apologize for not being here...
I am going to make an effort to be better with this...
I still read your blogs however I just don't comment right now...
Life has been about the same...
Some days are better then others...
Some days I "see" my real husband and other days I see the "dickhead"...
Seeing my real husband keeps me going on the bad days...
The "baggage" (what I call her in my head) is still in the picture however I have been doing extensive research on a midlife crisis w/infidelity and have come across some fascinating things so I have taken a stand - back...
I watch the self destruction without a word being said...
I don't cry nor let him have a clue how bad he hurt me...
I don't yell...
I have moved forward...
If he is on the phone with her I continue going about my business...
If they are texting, I continue on...
Most days I don't want to take a deep breath however I still do...
I tell myself that they are living in a fantasy world and he is lashing out at me because I am the reality...
I get up each day and hope we are one day closer to being able to move forward together with a stronger marriage in spite of the absolute shit he has thrown at me these last few weeks...
I thank God every morning and night that I am still standing and breathing...
Not cutting or acting the fool...
I will allow the baggage to do that...
I have 2 kids I love that need me since their Dad has reverted to a teenager...
I do my best every day to show him his actions have no effect on me...
I don't react to anything he says anymore...
I have bared the brunt of his accusations since he returned and I made myself a promise...
I won't have that guilt anymore...
He did this not me...
I did nothing to deserve this treatment and I no longer accept the blame or the guilt....
I gave it back to him...
I will do nothing to justify his actions...
I won't beg, cry, plead or bargain with him...
It will be 100% or nothing and I am moving to that with or without him...
Does it hurt? More then words can ever describe....
I have watched him trash the things I believed in more than anything in the world...
Our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love...
He has done a 180 in such a short time and I pray he can come back from it however as I am trying to get him to see (by my actions), I don't need him...
I want him but I no longer need him or anyone else for anything that I can find within myself...
To you all who recommended The Shack - I thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart...That is what helped me find my strength...
My inner peace has been found...
It was inside me all along and I just didn't know it.
RASCAL FLATTS
I've Dealt With My Ghosts And I've Faced All My Demons
Finally Content With A Past I Regret
I've Found You Find Strength In Your Moments Of Weakness
For Once I'm At Peace With Myself
I've Been Burdened With Blame, Trapped In The Past For Too Long
I'm Movin' On
