Better To Be An Open Sinner....

Then A False Saint.

"Do Not Take Revenge, My Friends, But Leave Room For God's Wrath, For It Is Written: It Is Mine To Avenge; I Will Repay Says The Lord. On The Contrary: If Your Enemy Is Hungry, Feed Him; If He Is Thirsty, Give Him Something To Drink. In Doing This, You Will Heap Coals On His Head. Do Not Be Overcome By Evil, But Overcome Evil With Good."

Romans 12:19-21

The "Child of Darkness" that lives within me is angry...

Has been for the past few days - Well past year really...

However for the past few days I have been feeling overwhelmed...

Nothing is moving as quickly as I want it to...

I am the type of person that once my decision is (basically) set in stone, I want to be done with it...

Some would call this impatience, I would have to agree...

I have spent the past year on a forum...

A forum that has seen me at my lowest and has rallied around to pick me right back up...

I have met people on there I would walk through fire for...

Others come and go like ships passing in the night...

Numerous stay to help the new ones that come along...

I have been watching the new ones and give input where I feel it is necessary...

For the past few days I feel like I have been living a lie...

I can say all the "right" things however truth be told, I don't believe them.

Yes you are at the forum, seeking for answers, searching for help and that is commendable.

In all reality what I want to tell you is to grow a back bone.

I want to take them all, line them up and let them have it....

I want to tell them "You are so much better then all this".

But I can't.

You see they are on the same journey as I am...

Different names, different acts, different timelines - All connected by selfishness.

I want to ask them where their self-respect is, then I remember how low mine was.

I want to ask them where their self-esteem is, then I remember how shattered mine was.

I want to ask them why they want to save their marriage, then I remember the stance I took.

I want them to know time really does heal however most of them can't see past the minute at hand.

I want them to know that no matter the circumstances, they have so many other choices.

Right now they are worried about saving their marriage, finances, families, houses etc...

The heartbreak, so evident in all their posts...

The anger, despair, pain, and the unworthiness...

They sit there and get to the point where they think this is ok and this is what has been dealt to them and there is no other way...

I want to say to them - Go...

There are so many other people in this world worthy of you.

I want to say to them - You only have one life - Do you really want to live it like this for the rest of your life?

Looking over the shoulder of the one who betrayed you, multiply affair partners, snooping to see if your suspicions are correct once again, lack of trust, avoiding the "elephant" in the room, walking on eggshells, mind movies that never seem to end etc...
I want to put them in front of a mirror and make them take a good long look at the reflection staring back at them.

I want them to see what I see...

A beautiful person in tremendous pain...

A beautiful person who has so much to offer...

A beautiful person who has the strength to overcome this.

I want to say stop wasting it on someone who doesn't deserve an ounce of your kindness.

However I can't - This is their journey...

As a Christian, I will reach out and offer any help I can on their journey, in the hopes that the pain will lesson quickly...

The Saint in me wants to fix it as soon as possible.

The Sinner in me wants to see bloodshed.

PHIL WICKHAM
To The One Who's Dreams Are Falling Apart
And All You're Left With Is A Tired And Broken Heart
I Can Tell By Your Eyes You Think You're On Your Own
But You're Not Alone

Out Of Survival....Comes Strength

"Peace I Leave With You; My Peace I Give You. I Do Not Give To You As The World Gives. Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled And Do Not Be Afraid."

John 14:27

"I Have Told You These Things, So That In Me You May Have Peace. In This World You Will Have Trouble. But Take Heart! I Have Overcome The World."

John 16:33

"Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Afraid Or Terrified Because Of Them, For The Lord Your God Goes With You; He Will Never Leave You Nor Forsake You."

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand

I say survival...

You say strength...

I say I didn't have a choice...

You say strength...

I say determination...

You say strength...

I feel weak...

You say strength...

I still find myself on the floor some days...

Curled into a ball, crying over the past year...

The days are getting fewer and fewer in between...

I know someday the pain will ease...

So much pain...So much loss...So much gained.

This is where the pain still lingers:

20 year marriage over.

Broken home for my boys to be raised in.

The intimacy that comes within a close relationship.

The friendship my husband and I had forged.

The loss/gain is a close equal because after having a year to self-reflect, I see my losses as a good thing so in turn that puts them in the gain column...

I may have lost my innocence however I gained experience...

I may have lost trust however I know that it can be earned back...

I may have lost my self-esteem however I gained my self-respect...

Yes my heart was broken however I learned the true meaning of unconditional love...

I may have lost control however I learned acceptance...

I thought I needed validation however I learned my validation comes from Him and within...

I thought my happiness depended on another person I learned my happiness depends on me...

For me it was a matter of survival...

I could just take it or I could rise above it.

In the beginning...

I took it...

I grew...

I took some more...

I grew some more...

I took even more...

I grew even more...

Then I started to rise above the situation...

During my rise....

During my survival...

Yes my friend you are correct - I gained strength.


JEREMY CAMP
Cast All Your Cares On Him For He Cares For You
He's Near To The Broken And Confused
By His Stripes Our Spirit Is Renewed
So Enter In The Joy Prepared For You

Patience Is A Virtue

"Two Are Better Then One, Because They Have A Good Return For Their Work; If One Falls Down, His Friend Can Help Him Up. But Pity The Man Who Falls And Has No One To Help Him Up."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

This is for Trent - My friend...You have the most amazing moral compass I have ever seen...You truly deserve nothing but peace and happiness. Thank you for believing in me - Even when I didn't believe in myself...May He always bless you in everything you seek.

When I think of Trent the first word that comes to mind is patience.

Next is tranquility as well as peace...

Trent is like a quiet wind, a gentle breeze blowing across your face in the hottest of summers...
A friend who has become my rock during the past year...

A friend who even during his own pain would drop everything the minute I contacted him...

I have come to rely heavily on his wisdom the last few months...

He has secured my friendship with his gentle calm and loving nature.

I have tested his patience unintentionally...

He has passed with flying colors...

He has spent quite some time explaining computer things to me as well as games online...

He never gives up no matter how many times I have to ask him to start over...

He may be thinking I am a dumb blonde however he has never let on...

He has never treated me in any other way then as an equal.

He has removed me from my comfort zone...

Allowed me to be myself...

Guided me towards doing things on my own...

Not judging based on some weird fears I carried...

No laughter at my insecurities...

Nothing but patience on his part...

Because of his belief in me, I have done 2 things this past year that I never thought possible.

For the first time in my life I ate in a restaurant (deli) by myself...

I had him right there via text just in case I went into full on panic mode...

I had a couple of moments and he texted me right through them...

I actually ended up enjoying myself and my meal....

I walked out of there so very happy for overcoming this fear...

Next up - One of my greatest fears - The movie theater...

You all know how I feel about this - Not a secret...

With his guidance and patience, I did it...

I went to a movie theater alone...

I didn't sit all the way in the back...

I didn't leave when someone sat down next to me...

I stayed for the entire movie...

I knew I could text him even though he was so far away...

In a different town...

At a different movie at the same time as me however I didn't have to.

His presence was felt...

His patience had paid off...

MICHAEL W. SMITH
When You're Lost In All The Madness
When You're Blinded By The Doubt
When You Need Someone To Be There For You
I'll Help You Find Your Way.

Garden Of Life

"Now The Lord God Had Planted A Garden In The East, In Eden; And There He Put The Man He Had Formed."

Genesis 2:8

"Even Though We've Changed And We're All Finding Our Own Place In The World, We All Know That When The Tears Fall Or The Smile Spreads Across Our Face, We'll Come To Each Other Because No Matter Where This Crazy World Takes Us, Nothing Will Ever Change So Much To The Point Where We're Still Not All Friends"

Author Unknown

This post is dedicated to my "big brother G". May your days always be filled with "Gnoisms" and Silver Linings. May the "Evil One" stay at bay, May a smile always grace your face and May He keep blessing you in wondrous ways.

In your garden of life, people come into your lives for different reasons and different seasons.

Some are toxic, some are not however each person placed in your path is there for a reason.

Friends are very important to me...

Over the past year I have met some wonderful people...

Each with a wonderful gift...

Yesterday I spoke about CB and his gift of unconditional love for all...

I spoke of CJ and his gift of Light...

Today I am speaking about G...

His gift...

Laughter...

He makes me laugh like no other...

No matter how down I am feeling, I know I can count on him to cheer me up.

I have always wanted a big brother and now I have one.

He is someone who was placed in my life at just the right time...

Right about the time all this started...



G is even tempered...Kind...Compassionate...Empathetic

He can be a hard ass if needed as well...

He keeps me in line as far as my walk is concerned...

I have recently had the chance to experience his fierceness and his protectiveness...

His loyalty towards me and my well-being...

I also had the chance to experience an ass-kicking from him and I don't want to go down that road again.

A friendship is like a garden...

It has to be nurtured, cultivated and cared for...

If you treat people with kindness they respond the same way...

If you ignore your friends or treat them like crap, they will respond that way as well...

I make an effort to treat people the way I want to be treated...

Recently someone hurt me, whether intentionally or not it doesn't matter...

Hurt is hurt and CB and G were there to pick me back up again...

CB with his unconditional love...

G with his words of wisdom and laughter...



Like CB - G has earned my complete and utter trust....

Something I didn't know I was capable of giving again to anyone...

They were placed in my path and in time have been able to show me what I want out of life.

They have shown me how to go forward and grab my blessings...

My garden of life is never full...

I always have room for others...

If you are in my garden, you will have the chance to truly experience friendship...

Not just with me but with all the other flowers God has placed in my garden.




CHRISTINA AGUILERA
And When I'm Down You're There
Pushing Me To The Top
You're Always There
Giving Me All You've Got

No Conditions

"But God Demonstrates His Own Love For Us In This: While We Were Still Sinners, Christ Died For Us."

Romans 5:8

Do you know what that passage above means?

Truly means?

That is the definition of unconditional love.

It doesn't say if you clean up your act, I will love you.

It doesn't say if you hair is this color, longer, thicker, waistline smaller, bigger, more defined I will love you.

It doesn't say if you just did this I will love you.

It doesn't say to conform to be the person someone else wants you to be.

It is just the opposite...

It says no matter what I love you.

No matter your transgressions, your wicked thoughts, your bad deeds -

No. Matter. What.

If you believe - You are loved.

We as humans love no where near this...

We love based on emotions and feelings that change as the wind blows.

The closest thing here on earth to unconditional love is the love a parent has for their child/children.

CB, a very good friend of mine has been teaching me about unconditional love...

As in giving it to each person I encounter on my journey...

It isn't easy to love without conditions, yet CB does it almost effortlessly...

You are taught one way your whole entire life and now have a chance to do it a different way...

In order to love unconditionally you have to be able to trust...

You have to be able to take your battered, bruised and broken heart and lay it in the care of others, in the hopes that they will not abuse it.

So what happens when you are vulnerable due to recent hurts?

How do you turn bitterness into forgiveness?

How do you trust another living soul again?

How do you open up to accept as well as give love again?

Time is a good thing...

Going through all the stages of grief in order to come out on the other side a better person, no matter how long it takes...

Telling yourself you will be fine so many times you start to actually believe it...

For me it also took prayer, counseling, oceans of tears, a wonderful support system, medication and acceptance.

You have got to make the effort...

You get up in the morning, send up your Thanks and Choose Joy - Regardless of how crappy you feel.

Choose to love freely regardless of getting hurt.

I was so worried that the actions of my husband in recent months would affect how I look at others...

I worried that any man who came after him would suffer based on what he did to me...

I know now that isn't the case...

God put someone in my life for a few short weeks to show me I am quite capable of feeling again.

No vows were broken however feelings were shared...

For the first time in over a year, I felt alive, desired, wanted, accepted.

I knew I was going to be just fine in whatever I pursued...

He showed me that.

I know I am capable of loving and receiving love again...

Not anger, not bitterness, not hatred...

Love - Pure and simple...

For whatever reason he isn't in my life at this time however I am grateful for the lesson he taught me.

I am grateful for the time we did share.

Unconditional love means loving without expectations...

Will you get hurt?

In all likely hood -

I did, however the difference is what you do with that hurt...

Will you backslide?

Most likely and if you do reach that point I pray you have people in your corner to lift you right back up like I do.

People like CB who will drop everything the minute I seek him out...

People you can call upon no matter the circumstance/day/time...

Friends, earth angels who are there for you...

Pulling for you, helping you, praying for you/praying with you.

Friends who know just how far you have come and will do everything in their power to make sure you never get that low again -

No. Matter. What.

You can choose to allow it to make you a bitter person or you can choose to allow it to make you a better person.

If you choose to love unconditionally, you love that person -

No. Matter. What.

Chris Tomlin
There's A Peace I've Come To Know
Thought My Heart And Flesh May Fail
There's An Anchor For My Soul
I Can Say "It Is Well" .