Hello

Hi All...

First I have to send thanks to each of you for your kind words, prayers and emails...One of you sent me an email that was very honest and I want to respond however I just haven't had the time (within the time frame you gave me - Hope you know who you are) however I will as soon as I can and I thank you for your honesty (((HUGS)))...

I found a new job and started yesterday - I hate it but it is a paycheck for now which is more then I have received in the last 3 months from my other job...

Sunday (yes Mother's Day) was almost a great day and then "she" started calling so after he answered and spoke to her 4 times, I told him he had to go...He needed to make a decision so I could either move on with him or without him...(Of course I want with)

He left yesterday to go back to his Moms' house in VA (at like 2 am) and I spoke to him at lunch and he was safe...Didn't hear anything back for the rest of the day/night...He called this morning and he is in SC (guess who lives there)...It is something he had to do he says - It better be for closure is all I am going to say...

Every fiber of my being hurts and I honestly can't believe I am still wanting to try...Am I a complete idiot? (I am really asking you this - Do you think I am an idiot?)

No more cutting though...Couldn't anyway since my arm still isn't healed...It hurts to breathe and I just want to wake up tomorrow and this had all been a bad dream...

How could one person (me) have been so blind? How could I have not seen this coming in a million years? And where in the hell has this me been? The one that gets up every morning and gets through yet another day of uncertainty without losing my mind? No yelling, no tears, no panic, no anger...Nothing...That is what I have right now - Not a damn thing and you know what - I will be ok...

I miss you all so very much! I think about all of you and will keep posting as time allows...Thank you all so much!

(((HUGS))) to each of you!!



BLUE OCTOBER
A Brief Bout With A Razorblade Cut Me
I Freaked Out, Thinking People Didn't Love Me
I Watched Closely As The You I Knew Forgot Me
In Letting Go, I Am So Proud Of What I've Done

Hello Again

***Bad words - You have been warned***



Well it has been over a week...

I missed you all and want you to know that I may not have responded but I did appreciate all the emails...

Where do I start?

The meds are fine...

There are 17 cuts down my arm as I type this (so they may not be working the way they should)...

Last Saturday night hubby came home and shattered my world with these words - "I cheated while I was gone" (Yes with the whore he has been texting for the past 2 months)...

He is confused (I am leaning towards a mid-life crisis the more I read about it) and I am tired...

Sunday and Monday I was so fucking numb I couldn't breathe...

No tears no anger - Just numbness...

Never in a million years would I have expected him to say that or me to react the way I did (Good thing I was medicated otherwise I may be writing this from prison and he would have a knife hanging out of his fucking neck)...

There are other signs that point towards a midlife crisis but this stands out in the forefront...

And before you ask yes he is still talking to her and texting her and now has a picture of her as his screensaver on his phone... (GAG ME!)

"We are just friends" he says...

I say "You crossed the friendship line when you stuck your dick in her"

I can't stop talking to her he says so I took last week off of work and did a lot of soul searching...

I went to the beach and to the church parking lot and I cried like I have never cried before but not around him - He will NEVER see how bad he hurt me until he comes to his damn senses...

Somewhere I came up with I am not giving up on my marriage - We have been together 21 years and married for 19 years and this is the first time he (says him and why lie now) cheated so I am trying like hell to chalk it up as a mistake and move forward - VERY hard with her still in the picture. He has yet to show any remorse and hasn't apologized...

I got the "I love you but I'm don't now if I am in love with you speech"

Also got the "I don't know if I have any feelings for our marriage anymore"

And this is a good one - "I have loved her for 28 years"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD HER FUCKING NAME BEFORE RIGHT NOW!

He has reverted back to a teenager basically so now I am left holding everything...

ME - I can barely hold myself together half the damn time...

As if that wasn't bad enough we are apparently going to be evicted...

The bills are piling up since I haven't been paid in almost 3 months and his check can't cover everything...

So today I walked out of my job (with no pay)...

I went in search of something else so wish me luck...

I have questioned whether I would share this with you all but I am praying someone out there knows anything about a midlife crisis and how to stand by without being a doormat...

If so please let me know...

I will be back tomorrow...

I missed you all and thank you!

STAIND
Sometimes The Weak Become The Strong