Raging Sea

MICHAEL W. SMITH
RAGING SEA

Sometimes The Journey Makes You Weary
Feels Like A Long And Winding Road
Sometimes This Life Can Lose It's Meaning
But You Might Be Surprised To Find Some Hope

Maybe You're Wondering Where Love Is
You May Feel It's Far From Here
Maybe You're Wondering Where I Am
You Might Be Surprised To Find I'm Near

When Your Life Is Tossed And Turning
And You're On The Raging Sea
I'll Come And Pull You From The Water
Then You Will Know That You Are Free

So If You're Stumbling Through The Valley
Or If You're Tempted To Give Up The Fight

Reach Out Your Hand And I Will Lead You

I Will Be Your Strong Arm In The Night


This is the song I woke up with in my head this morning...

Gotta love how God works :)

The Bloom

Anais Nin - And The Day Came When The Risk To Remain Tight In A Bud Was More Painful Then The Risk It Took To Blossom...

I love this quote as it pertains to my life...

Living as a "bud" was easier...

I could keep myself wrapped up in my pain and not have to deal with anything...

I could walk around in a fog and pretend all was well...

I was essentially a zombie, a non-functioning one at that...

I wasn't parenting the way I should...

I was just getting by day after day...

Then as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I started to blossom...


I can't pinpoint the exact time/day it happened...

All I know is I awoke one day and I made it through the day without being sick...

I made it through the day without crying...

I could look at my children and not want to break down...

I could hold my head up and not feel the crushing pain of facing the world...

I am still mortified that my husband has done this to our family...

I had to sit in the principals office today (for Tigger) and explain to his teacher, the principal and the school psychologist what has been going on because my child has decided to act out in class...

I did it on my own with minimal tears and my head down because I was embarrassed...

Then as all was said and done I asked myself why?

I have no reason to be embarrassed, I didn't rip my family apart for a piece of ass...

I didn't throw away 20 years because I needed to "find myself" - Hell I never knew he was "lost"...

I finally got it though because as I said to a friend of mine - I am more lost then found...

Almost 8 months since this started and I am still more lost then I thought I was...

8 months and I am no better off now...

Sure I have survived this length of time without killing him, her or myself however I am still just surviving...

Living an illusion and I didn't even realize it...

I am not really living and I need to figure out how to live again...

I need to see past my pain and help my boys to get past their pain so they can live a full and happy life...

I need them to know this wasn't anyway near their fault and the 3 of us can still be a family...

I need to learn how to breathe again without hurting...

I just don't know where to start.

CREED
When Shadows Paint The Scenes
Where Spotlights Used To Fall
And I'm Left Wondering
Is It Really Worth It All