I love this quote as it pertains to my life...Living as a "bud" was easier...
I could keep myself wrapped up in my pain and not have to deal with anything...
I could walk around in a fog and pretend all was well...
I was essentially a zombie, a non-functioning one at that...
I wasn't parenting the way I should...
I was just getting by day after day...
Then as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I started to blossom...
I can't pinpoint the exact time/day it happened...All I know is I awoke one day and I made it through the day without being sick...
I made it through the day without crying...
I could look at my children and not want to break down...
I could hold my head up and not feel the crushing pain of facing the world...
I am still mortified that my husband has done this to our family...
I had to sit in the principals office today (for Tigger) and explain to his teacher, the principal and the school psychologist what has been going on because my child has decided to act out in class...
I did it on my own with minimal tears and my head down because I was embarrassed...
Then as all was said and done I asked myself why?
I have no reason to be embarrassed, I didn't rip my family apart for a piece of ass...
I didn't throw away 20 years because I needed to "find myself" - Hell I never knew he was "lost"...
I finally got it though because as I said to a friend of mine - I am more lost then found...
Almost 8 months since this started and I am still more lost then I thought I was...
8 months and I am no better off now...
Sure I have survived this length of time without killing him, her or myself however I am still just surviving...
Living an illusion and I didn't even realize it...
I am not really living and I need to figure out how to live again...
I need to see past my pain and help my boys to get past their pain so they can live a full and happy life...
I need them to know this wasn't anyway near their fault and the 3 of us can still be a family...
I need to learn how to breathe again without hurting...
I just don't know where to start.
CREED
When Shadows Paint The Scenes
Where Spotlights Used To Fall
And I'm Left Wondering
Is It Really Worth It All
WHOA!! you are right, you should have read my post first. (obviously i am kind of kidding) but how very bizarre that we both wrote about surviving vs living. oh, how i pray that you can LIVE.
ReplyDeleteit's obvious i haven't been here in awhile. i didn't know all that was going on. praying that God leads you into the life He has for you!! you are worth it.
Totally inappropriate of me, but when you said living as a bud was easier, the only thing that popped in my mind was Budweiser. Of course alcohol makes life easier for a short time. Okay I am going to go back and read the REST of your post. Sorry. *slap on my hand*
ReplyDeleteYeah, living is totally different than surviving. Surviving is getting through the day and making it to the next. Living is having FUN in the process. Do something fun with your two boys as a family, the three of you... together. I wish you could take the boys with you to Hawaii, because that would be totally awesome, but when there is something you cannot do, find other fun stuff to do. It won't be easy with a teenager, especially an angry one, but it can be done. Keep at it-- in the long run the teenager will feel like he was worth it to at least one parent.
ReplyDeletei can't even begin to imagine what you must be going thru but i just wanted to tell you that things will probably not be easy but days will get better, the pain will seem never ending, but time will heal the pain, right now you'll probably feel lost and will have no clue where to start, but when the right time comes you'll know, you just have to be ready to open your arms and welcome that chance. (whatever it is) i hope and pray that your wounds will heal soon, you'll start to trust again and your days will be brighter! lots of hugs!
ReplyDeletesometimes I feel like I am barely exsisting...sending you virtual hugs
ReplyDelete