William Shakesphere...

Hamlet Act I Scene III...

Personally I have never scene the play nor read the book however I do know that a sentence came from this play that speaks to me - "This Above All: To Thine Own Self Be True".

How many of you can sit, think and honestly say you are true to yourselves above all others?

I will admit I can't...

I will admit I have not been true to myself however I didn't know it until I started this journey...

Being true to yourself means:

Not compromising your values, principals, beliefs etc...

Doing the right thing for you not what others tell you to do...

You allow your individuality and uniqueness to shine through...

I have learned that if you know & love yourself, you will then find it effortless to be true to yourself...

I thought I lost my self-respect when my husband left however I have learned that self-respect comes from being true to who you really are.

When you respect yourself, others will respect you because they know you are strong and able to stand up for yourself and for your beliefs.

I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I have had to defend my beliefs since this journey started...

I admit I was getting very sick of people telling me what a fool I am or how stupid I was etc...

However I realized today that these same people who challenged my beliefs made me stop and really search to make sure this was a belief and not a fear masked as a belief...

I have made changes on my journey, I have dropped some things that were weighing me down and picked up new things that make me happier...

To those that have challenged me here (and those that never read this) I thank you...

Thank you for making me really think and search for my true beliefs...

Thank you for still hanging around even though my posting has been very sporadic lately... :)

This far into the journey, I have learned something very important - Being true to yourself means I will not allow others to define me or make decisions for me that I need to make on my own.

AUDIOSLAVE
Don't Lose Any Sleep Tonight
I'm Sure Everything Will End Up Alright
You May Win Or Lose
But To Be Yourself Is All That You Can Do

1 Corinthians 13:13

I wear a bracelet with these words inscribed on them everyday, this passage of the Bible means a lot to me and speaks volumes to my heart.

Nikki asked me yesterday why I didn't believe in divorce.

She asked me if it was a dogma I was raised with or a personal belief.

Last night as I took my walk, I thought long and hard about this question, about my beliefs.

It isn't the stigma that comes with divorce, it isn't even anything I was raised with.

Regardless that it is against the Bible, it is something I feel deeply all the way to my soul.

I wasn't the type of girl who always wanted to get married and have babies, quite frankly, I don't even like children so I never expected to have any.

Then one day in '89 I met the man who would be my future husband.

He was 20 when I met him and the single most kindest man I have ever met.

Out of all the boys/men I dated, I knew when I laid eyes on him, that he was the one.

He treated me like a queen, like I actually mattered, we were engaged 4 months later and married 4 months after that.

Before we were married, we had spiritual counseling to make sure we were on the same page.

The first couple of years were a bit hard and as a couple we have gone through a lot together, however the key word there is together.

Nothing that came our way could hurt us because we were a team.

I love him with all my heart...

The vows I took on that day 20 years ago I meant with every fiber of my being.

I knew if I ever did get married, it would be for life, for better or for worse.

We have had better, at this point in time we are at worse.

For 20 years he was there for me, he was the one who picked me up when I fell, the one who held me when I cried, he guided me out of some very dark times in my life, he kept me from being lost within myself, he is my strength, my rock.

He always saw the best in me and he never gave up on me.

Now the tables are turned so what kind of person would I be to turn my back on him and give up on him without a fight?

For the first time in 20 years he needs my strength and I can't deny the path we have been called to.

He has never raised a hand to me in anger, he hardly ever raises his voice, he has been a wonderful father and a terrific husband, more then any one person could ask for.

He is now lost, he has turned his back on everything he has believed in and as a Christian but more importantly as his wife, it is up to me to guide him.

Because of the way he has treated me in the past, I am strong enough to rise to the challenge...

Sure some days are harder then others however I won't give up on him...

He has stopped believing in God, he has stopped believing in us, our family, our marriage and sadly himself, however I still believe in him...

I believe God will work this out...

I believe we were put together by Him and this is not what he has envisioned for us.

Right now my husband is in the hands of the enemy and it is up to God to battle...

In order for Him to battle, I have to step out of the picture...

I am here if my husband needs anything and he knows that however I have to stand behind my God and trust in Him to do His will.

1 Corinthians 13:13 says - "And Now These Three Remain: Faith, Hope And Love. But The Greatest Of These Is Love."

This is what marriage is all about...

This is why I don't believe in divorce...


GARTH BROOKS
And Now I'm Glad I Didn't Know
The Way It All Would End
The Way It All Would Go
Our Lives Are Better Left To Chance
I Could Have Missed The Pain
But I'd Of Had To Miss The Dance

What Am I Doing Wrong?

This is a question I asked last night at Church.
On the 3rd Tuesday of the month, I go and feed the homeless at my Church and last night was no exception.
One of my teachers was there and I asked him this question - What am I doing wrong?
He asked me why I would ask that so I filled him in with a condensed version of what was going on in my life and we went to a private room to talk.
I asked him if I was praying wrong or if I was being punished?
Of course the answer was no.
He told me at one point in his life, he also went through a mid-life crisis...
He woke up one day and basically nothing was good enough anymore...
He didn't cheat on his spouse though - He went to her and together they worked through it.
He asked me what I wanted out of this, I told him I wanted my family back together, I wanted my husband home.
He told me it could take years before my husband "woke up" and realized what he was doing.
He also told me that my husband doesn't "see" the damage he is causing, feels no guilt nor remorse.
He will also be held accountable later on for what he has done.

I am new to the Church as you all know.

I have always believed however, I have not always followed the way I should live.

I have almost always prayed, however I have not always believed what I was saying.

I have never been "moved" by the Holy Spirit, however I have seen others be moved.

I had to ask how to pray because I didn't know if I was doing it correctly.

I try not to ask God for anything except keeping my family and friends safe.

I thank Him for everything I have each and every day.

I question a lot, not really question God but question why things happen the way they do.
I wonder why some people have it so much easier then others and why it seems the "good" ones have such a hard time.

I knelt at the Alter last night and asked God to please show me the way.

The path He wants me on because I don't know which way to go.

I don't believe this is God's will for my life however I don't know how to find His will either.

I can't believe He would want such a dark time for me.

I am trying to hold onto the fact that He is the Light I need to get out of this darkness.

I just haven't figured out how to grasp that Light so I can use it to guide me.

Each time I try, I come up short.

It almost feels like drowning...

There is a hand there to help me, I just can't reach it.

I have still been on a soul-searching journey and I am coming to the conclusion that I have been dis-honoring myself.

I have accepted whatever crumbs my husband has thrown my way because I am supposed to love him unconditionally.

I have bowed down and been a doormat because I am afraid to be on my own.

I have been overwhelmed by fear, shame, anguish, shock and a whole range of other emotions.

I have allowed myself to become lost due to my husbands actions.

I haven't been the greatest Mother due these actions.

I have lived in denial for the past 3 1/2 months.

I keep thinking if I "ignore" the affair, it will end and all will return to normal, however there is no normal anymore.

I have been living in an emotional hell since March and it just gets darker and darker.

This is my fault though, I allowed myself to get to this place in order to try and save my family and my marriage.

Admitting it here doesn't make it any easier however at the time, I just wanted to do what I thought was the best for all parties involved.

You know how I feel about divorce and that hasn't changed, however I have been rethinking my stance on other things.

Somehow, someway I have got to find my way out of this damn hole I have allowed myself to fall in.

As my life continues on this long and bumpy road, I have come to one conclusion...

I can't go any further without Him...

I just need to figure out how to hear Him, how to see Him, how to listen to Him...

I know how to seek Him, I just don't know if He can hear me, I just don't know if He is listening.

MICHAEL W. SMITH

If There Are Millions

Down On Their Knees

Among The Many

Can You Still Hear Me?

Is There Light?

The closer I get to the light, the farther it seems to be...

This is how I feel on most days, I can see the light however it seems to be so far out of my reach...

First I want you to know Tigger is out of the woods...

Today is his first day back to school since he got sick...

Thank you all for your kind emails, prayers and well wishes...

Eeyore (my oldest son for the newcomers) was arrested on Saturday for trespassing...

I was at work for the first time in a week and received a phone call from the police department saying I needed to come and pick him up...

Now we have to go to court next month and he faces probation, a fine or community service...

I know it is minor compared to some other things however this is my "good" son...

Hardly ever in trouble, on the honor roll, great kid all around...

It was a shock to me...

I didn't tell his Father because quite frankly I don't think he cares...

I mean his youngest just survived one of the deadliest flu's and he never once came to see him - Yes you read that right - He never bothered to come see him...

He stopped checking up on him after day 5...

Let's just not even go there right now...

So I am not back to work and my little one is back to school...

My trip at the end of the month has been postponed for now...

I received a letter in the mail yesterday letting me know I had a warrant out for my arrest for a bad check I didn't even know bounced, we haven't been paid in 2 weeks and I am beginning to question why I came back here...

I am aggravated, I feel like I am drowning and I just can't catch a break...

I am weary and I am tired...

Tired of fighting just to survive...

Tired of having to be everything to everyone and nothing for myself...

One minute I feel like I can catch the light, then it just gets pulled further away from me...

I am sorry if this is a downer post today however it is my blog and it is how I feel at this point in time...

I need to get it out before I just give up all together...

I know - This to shall pass.

TRAIN
When It Rains It Pours And Opens Doors
That Flood The Floors We Thought Would Always
Keep Us Safe And Dry