The Storm Before The Calm

"Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary And Burdened, And I Will Give You Rest."

Matthew 11:28

Anytime I feel myself becoming overwhelmed, the above verse never fails to pop in my head.

Back when I first joined the Church, I had 6 weeks of new members class and towards the end, the Pastor taught one of the classes and asked each of us to pick a favorite verse, read it and explain why you chose that one.

This was the one I picked, because I was so very weary and highly burdened, it spoke volumes to me.

I needed that rest He was promising back then and I need it still today.

However sometimes, I don't have the patience (imagine that) to wait, I want answers and results now, not later.

I want the sadness to fade, the confusion to subside, the pain to lesson, the darkness to give way to His light.

I want my life back, with or without the man I married, I want my sense of peace back.

I don't want to feel my heart skip a beat each time there is a knock at the door, fearful it is the process server that husband has been threatening me with for so long.

I don't want to have anymore dreams about "happily ever after" only to once again, wake up and see what faces me in the morning.

I don't want to hear the catch in Tigger's voice when he prays and asks God to bring his Dad home.

I know that trials and tribulations are here to test my Faith, I also know that they will produce endurance as well as perseverance, character and hope.

Persevering through the storms of life is going to test and ultimately be a proof of your Faith.

When all seems hopeless and you have no where else to turn, do you turn to Him?

I do more than I used to, however not as much as I should, it doesn't come like second nature yet, however I know in time it will.

I want to get to the point that when a storm starts, I can just look up and say "It is yours, I don't want it".

Back when this storm started, I would sit, sometimes all day and question each and every aspect of myself.

Was I not kind enough? Pretty enough? Skinny enough? Talk to much or not enough? Laugh to loud or not loud enough? My eyes are blue, maybe he wouldn't have cheated if they were green or maybe I should have had brown hair instead of blond...Was I to tall? Was I to close to my family or not close enough etc...

All day my friends, I tore myself apart, like a quilt, each stitch had to be pulled out of the seam.

Never in my life have I torn myself so far down to explain away why this happened...

Promises replayed in my head, marriage vows screamed at me, early days together played like a mind movie on repeat...

Our wedding, all the places we lived, the birth of both boys, family members who have come and gone, friends lost and new ones found...

And I always came to the same conclusion - What was so bad in our lives that he had to throw it all away?

The storm has been raging for 20 months now, some days it is calmer than other days and today I am haunted by the fact that I still have love for him, that under the right circumstances, I would actually take him back, regardless of what has transpired over the past 20 months.

So I look at my reflection and ask myself, "What is wrong with you?"

I think back to all the conversations I have had with family and friends and my Pastor, I recall most of the conversations as words of wisdom, to help me heal, to help me to continue to walk forward, yet that little piece of me would throw the door open, most likely in a heartbeat, if he just asked.

However, that doesn't seem to be His will for my life anymore.

And yes, I will admit it, I am having a hard time accepting that.

20 months later and I still don't want a divorce.

I am more open to it then I was in the beginning, however it seems so sinful to me.

I once told my husband, I didn't know how to not love him...

He has been in my life since I was 17 years old, my best friend & the only man I ever trusted completely...

He put me in a game, I didn't sign up to play and I failed, in my opinion...

5 days from now is our 21st wedding anniversary and he will still be with her...

Some of you, know how I feel and I am so sorry, those that do not, I pray you never, ever know how infidelity feels.

Yes, there are good things that have come out of it, things I would never change, however it is also one of the darkest times in my life that I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy.

Today, the storm has overtaken me, sadness is the coat I wear today, maybe tomorrow sorrow will leave me and joy will come back.

Maybe the storm will continue to rage on...

As long as I continue to look up, He will either carry me through it or subside the storm...

Which ever He chooses, I wish it would happen soon.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now, God,
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away
Stepped In And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say Amen
And It's Still Raining

Intercessory Prayer

"But Jesus Often Withdrew To Lonely Places And Prayed."

Luke 5:16



Do you pray in silence or do you pray out loud?

Do you kneel or sit or stand or walk around as you do other things?

Do you clasp your hands, stretch your palms towards heaven or do you just fold your hands together?

Do you give thanks first or dive right into what you need or desire?

Do you pray in the morning or afternoon or evening?

Once a day?

Several times a day?

Prayer, what does it mean to you?

To me it is very personal, a time to shut off the world and spend time with my Father.

I am still learning how to shut my mind off so I can focus on what I am saying, as well as what I am hearing and I will admit some days it is quite the challenge.

No matter how busy I am, not a day goes by that I don't pray at least once a day, sometimes it is short, sometimes long and sometimes just a sentence - "Have Mercy on me"...

I pray for people who ask and people who don't, I pray for direction as well as motivation and focus, I pray for His light to be beneath my feet, I pray I am on the right path, I pray He lies beside me as I sleep, I pray He helps me with my obvious lack of patience, I pray for the courage to face another day, the strength to handle anything that may come my way, and the wisdom to know I can't do this alone.

Because of how far He has brought me this past year, I pray with more Thanksgiving than ever before.

Prayer should be heartfelt and never forced, a conversation between you and your Maker, a place where peace will be felt, calm will be given and love is always present.

It doesn't have to be filled with a bunch of fancy words, let the words come from your heart, He already knows what is there anyway so no need to make it any harder.

Last night was my 4th week of Bible Study, my 4th week of being asked to pray out loud and it was on the tip of my tongue to say no once again for the 4th time, however I knew that until I could get that first one out, I would continue to be afraid.

So I said "I will try".

I was asked to pray for the sick and shut-in...

The 4th prayer out of 7 or 8 prayers...

Side note - 4th time is the charm, it seems.

My Pastor wasn't there last night, Bible study was lead by my female Minister and I knew she wouldn't let me get away with saying no, not after the look I received (in love and compassion) last week when I turned it down once again.

When it was my turn, I took a deep breath and said the shortest prayer I possibly could...

Not really on purpose however I didn't call out names of people in the hospital or in prison or the homeless etc...

I just asked for a blessing on all of them in general.

As I said "Amen" and looked up, I noticed my Minister had come to stand in front of me, grinning from ear to ear.

After class, she gave me a hug and told me that when she was standing in front of me, she was taping my prayer so she could give it to the Pastor to show him I had finally done it.

I admit I was nervous, worried about what others in the room would think of my prayer...

I shouldn't have been though, all I should have been worried about was Him and because I know He is right there, guiding me in my prayer, I should have no worries.

I want my conversations with Him to be from my heart, because I know what I am going to prayer for or who I am going to pray for or what I am thankful for, those prayers are easy for me.

Intercessory prayer isn't hard for me either, in fact I normally pray more for others than for myself.

Intercessory prayer out loud is different...

It feels forced, I don't feel like I can take my time because I feel like some of the other people are just ready to go home.

However, the more I walk, the more I learn and I have come to learn that He wants all Christians to be intercessors.

Praying on behalf others, without seeing what it benefits you, however to bring Glory to Him, is what intercessory prayer is all about.

It doesn't matter if you do it out loud or silently...

What matters is that you do it.

SANCTUS REAL
Well I Need You
You Need Me
Cuz That's The Way
Its Meant To Be

Change is Inevitable

"To Every Thing There Is A Season, And A Time To Every Purpose Under The Heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

There was a chill in the air when I got up this morning, I made my coffee and headed outside.

I sat on the bench and just listened to the silence surrounding me

Late at night and very early in the morning are my favorite times of the day

Everyone is sleeping and it is my chance to spend some time with Him in peace and quiet.

As I sat, drinking my coffee, I had no thoughts...

Just peace and calmness filling my soul.

Autumn does that to me.

Living in Florida, I don't get to experience Autumn in the true sense, however this morning it was perfect.

 

There was a slight breeze, it was roughly 59 degrees, coffee was wonderful and there was a Cardinal singing...

Can't ask for much more.

I sat and thought about some things that are coming up, I will share more later...

I prayed and I gave thanks for each and every thing going on in my life.

 

Good or bad, I was reminded that there is a lesson to be learned in each circumstance we face.

It is up to us to find the lesson.

Up to us to apply what we are learning on a daily basis.

Whether it be finding strength in a tough situation, patience in a trying situation, love in a hate filled situation, or peace in a situation filled with turmoil.

 

I have met so many people on this journey, wonderful people who, during one of the most trying times in their lives, still have an ounce of compassion and kindness left.

They go out of their way to help their fellow man...

That gives me hope for all of us...

Hope for the ones that know Him, to be able to become closer to Him and hope for the ones that don't know Him, that they may be able to find Him.

 

Just as the seasons change, people change, some for the better, some not so much.

Lives change, circumstances change, jobs change, finances change etc...

With change comes challenges, with challenges comes opportunity.

It is up to you to decide how you are going to face what is in front of you.

 

I was never a fan of change within my own life.

I like order, having a bi-polar mind, I needed a life in front of me without chaos since I lived with a mind that went a thousand miles an hour.

Everything has a place, neat and orderly.

I have to laugh here because I am no longer like that, I still like neat, however it is no longer the "end all, be all" of my life.

There are different priorities that have taken precedence over a neat and orderly life.

He is number one and I will drop whatever I have to in order to serve Him and what He is calling me to do that day.

I haven't quite managed to learn how to do it without allowing it to affect me and my emotions in some way, but I am getting there.

In this process, He has gifted me in ways I didn't expect, He has given me compassion and empathy for the new ones that find themselves in this kind of situation.

A gift I will be able to take with me as I embark on the journey into the ministry.

 

Change and growth can be as painful as we make it out to be or it can be a lesson that we take into the next season of our lives.

The change may be accidental or if may be by design, what matters is you take the time to re-evaluate all that you thought was important to you, make sure your priorities are where they need to be & make certain that the choices you are now making will affect your life in a positive way.

Take the time to do a little soul-searching and see what is most important to you.

Take the time to polish off the gifts you have been blessed with, put them back into practice and show the world what kind of person you truly are, not molded by man but formed by Him.

Become a better person for it, not a bitter person because of it.

And always remember, the only thing in your life that will not ever change; Him and His love for you.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH

In Times Of Confusion And Chaos And Pain

I'm There In Your Sorrow, Under The Weight Of Your Shame

I'm There Through Your Heartache

I'm There In The Storm

My Love, I Will Keep You, By My Power Alone