"As The Father Hath Loved Me, So Have I Loved You: Continue Ye In My Love."
John 15:9
I read the book of Matthew two days ago, I started with a verse someone sent me, finished the book, then went back to the beginning, to read what I skipped, when I sought out the verse.
I have been weepy every since.
I get like that when I find particular verses or when something just stands out on the page as if it was written for me.
The more I get into His word, the more questions I have, the more questions I have, the more I seek to get answers to them.
My mind is literal, that is how I have always seen things and I am learning that isn't always the case.
The parables (not all of them, just a few) seem to stump me every time.
I have been trying to wrap my mind around the depth of His love and it has left me feeling "off."
Not off in a bad way, almost like a dream when you wake suddenly and you haven't quite shaken off the dream, yet can't quite seem to grasp what you were dreaming about, though you feel it, fluttering on the very edges of your consciousness and you think if you could just have a quiet moment, you would be able to reach out and grab it, yet that moment never comes.
That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days.
I used to think that, while I knew God loved me, He loved so and so (no person in particular) more because they read their Bible more often than me, they didn't curse, they had a "cleaner" past then I did, they weren't tattooed and pierced, they were always kind and always had a smile plastered on their face, no matter how bad things were in their life.
I just thought I was on the lower end of the totem pole, so to speak.
This past week I learned that He doesn't love anyone, on the face of this planet more than He loves me, nor you.
He favors no one over the other.
My way of thinking (ie: I am not that special, important, worthy etc...) is a sin.
What I was doing, was basically calling God a liar, stating that His perfect love, was in fact imperfect...
It isn't humble to think this way, it is challenging His word, His love and how He sees you.
We commit the sin of wrong thinking so often, that we become as hard as stone and this is an area where we need to be seeking to be a little more sensitive.
The enemy loves to see you doubting your worth in the kingdom of God and he will do whatever he can to get you to take your eyes off of your Father.
The dependence I have on Him, has got to be absolute, period.
There is zero room for doubt, worry, fear, hardness of heart, bitterness, anger etc...
Each day I learn something new, could be small, could be big, the point is that whatever walls I have erected, He is slowly drawing them down, releasing me from my self-imposed prison.
I cry more now than I ever have before, (still not a fan) however I accept that the tears need to be shed and I know that I am crying on Someone who I can trust, with 100% certainty.
I "feel" more than I ever did before and that is taking some getting used to.
I never had a problem with empathy before, however now it seems magnified by about a million and things that never used to "move" me, now can bring forth tears at the drop of a hat (Scripture being one of them).
I can only attribute it to the Holy Spirit, moving me to see things through His eyes, the way He sees them.
I have spent a lifetime seeking the approval of others and by making myself dependent upon other people, I then found myself extremely vulnerable.
I spent a lifetime expecting others to do something, that was my own responsibility.
By seeking approval from others, I was unable to see the Divine approval I already had, standing right in front of me.
For so long, I lost my way, I closed doors, I burned bridges, I did everything I could to keep Him at arms length, only giving a thanks at night before I went to sleep and that was half-hearted at best.
He didn't give up on me, ever.
He never stopped loving me, pursuing me nor wanting me.
He gave me breath each morning when I rose, He painted magnificent colors into the sky for me, He planted flowers to grow wherever my feet walked, He placed glorious scents in the wind, just for me to enjoy, He walked, beside me, each and every single day and for so long I took it for granted, only stopping to actually open my eyes, after everything was stripped from me and for that, now, I give thanks.
Thankful He never turned His back on me, He welcomed me home, with open arms, the very millisecond I called His name.
Thankful for His love, a love I couldn't even begin to describe, no matter how many times I tried.
Thankful in the knowledge that even when the "bad thoughts" start seeping in, I can now recognize them as weapons of the enemy.
Thankful for every sunrise and sunset I witness, for the scents on the wind, for the flowers that grow, for the breath He breathes into me each morning & for the Mercy and Grace that are showered down, upon my rising.
Thankful that I have Company wherever I go.
Thankful that He will never hurt me and never abuse my trust.
Thankful for the sacrifice He made for me.
Thankful for His beautiful Son.
Thankful He put within me, His Holy Spirit.
Thankful that no matter how I got here, I finally got here.
Thankful that He is, forever faithful.
CHRIS TOMLIN
I Lift My Hands To Believe Again
You Are My Refuge, You Are My Strength
As I Pour Out My Heart
These Things, I Remember
You Are Faithful, God, Forever
