Trapped

"And He Said To Me, My Grace Is Sufficient For You, For My Strength Is Made Perfect In Weakness. Therefore Most Gladly I Will Rather Boast In My Infirmities, That The Power Of Christ May Rest Upon Me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I told my sister this morning I feel like I am trapped in a funhouse from which there is no escape.

Trapped in a room of mirrors, never quite sure what my reflection is going to reveal.

I can say all the right things, I can do all the right things, however what matters is how I feel inside...

Inside I feel dead.

Trapped, agitated, not quite sure what the day may hold, guarded to the people that come around and rattle my cage.

I liken it to an animal that has been beaten over and over again until they are afraid of anyone who comes around them...

They shake and cower in a corner, terrified of being struck again.

It could take you years to get that animal to trust you and it may never happen.

I see Him, reaching out His hand, I want to grab onto it and never let go of it...

For whatever reason, something is holding me back from grasping it completely.

I know what He wants me to do, I know how He wants me to feel...

He knows I am struggling badly lately, I wish He could tell me why.

I find myself locked in my own private world lately...

I function, I speak, I do what I need to to, yet I still feel trapped.

A tug of war going on within me...

A spiritual battle, torn between what I want to do and what I need to do...

I need His strength to come through this battle, yet I can't quite bring myself to ask for it.

CASTING CROWNS
I'm Trying So Hard
To Stop Trying So Hard
Just Let You Be Who You Are
Lord, Who You Are In Me

Introduce Your Deliverer, To Your Destroyer

"But I Say To You, Love Your Enemies, Bless Those Who Curse You, Do Good To Those Who Hate You, And Pray For Those Who Spitefully Use You And Persecute You."

Matthew 5:44

One of the hardest things to do, "love your enemy."

Forgiveness, bitterness, revenge, hatred, anger all pretty much go hand in hand...

To live as He wants you to live, His word states you have to love your enemy.

By disobeying Him and not doing as He states, you fall from Grace.

When you fall out of Grace, you find yourself in territory you know nothing about.

You are now open and ripe for the enemy to attack.

When you disobey God, nothing in your life is calm...

There may be times when you are obeying Him and things still aren't calm, however that will change in His time, when it pleases Him and no sooner.

The battle raging in your life isn't yours...

It is His, He will change everything once you introduce Him to the things that are destroying you.

He is the deliverer and you will have to suffer for His namesake.

He will bring you so far down and make you so weak that you have no other option but to call upon Him.

That is how He wants you...

Broken, crushed, aching, in pain, scarred, shameful etc...

He wants you as you are.

Not perfect, not only when you are happy, not only when things are going wonderfully in your life...

As. You. Are.

Anything in your life that seems to be "against" you should be taken to Him.

Show your destroyers what He can do with your heart, even as they are stepping on your back.

The battles that are raging within you, can't be won by you.

Until you give complete control over to Him, they will continue to rage on.

Recently I have had some unsettling things happen within my life, yes on top of everything else that is going on around me.

People talk, they don't always have nice things to say.

Word has gotten back to me about some things being said in my Church about me.

Hurtful lies.

Not only am I being lied about, there are other people who have been dragged into the mess...

Why?

The only reason I got was, "You are too nice to everyone."

Wow, I didn't know that was a sin.

So once again, I went and asked Him, why I have been planted in that Church?

It is apparent to me, I am not very welcome by some of the other members.

I only feel that the Church He guided me to, is where I need to be at this time in my life.

I don't know why, I don't know for how long, all I know is this is where He wants me.

I took those destroyers to Him, as He is my deliverer...

He knows what has been said, He knows the truth, He knows it has hurt me.

I have realized that what my Pastor told me so long ago is now coming true...

The closer you draw to Him, the more the enemy is going to attack you.

AMY GRANT
Beautiful The Mess We Are
The Honest Cries Of Breaking Hearts
Are Better Than A Hallelujah