Vigilance Is The Key

"For We Wrestle Not Against Flesh And Blood, But Against Principalities, Against Powers, Against The Rulers Of The Darkness Of This World, Against Spiritual Wickedness In High Places."
Ephesians 6:12

I had a song verse stuck in my head recently ~ "If there are millions down on their knees, among the many, can you still hear me?" ~ Place In This World - Michael W. Smith.

Wow that song/video seems so long ago.

Anywho, the verse kept playing over and over in my head for almost 2 days, ending yesterday with a headache unlike any I have ever felt.

Even playing other music, trying to pray above the noise didn't work, the spiritual attack was working because I couldn't focus on anything other then this one sentence.

A whisper, asking if I truly believe He is really hearing me, or better yet even listening to me.

No matter what I tried, the voice wouldn't shut up, and that is how Satan will use distraction my friends....

Something small, not always noticable, most likely you won't be able to put your finger on it, feeling "off" as you go about your day, knowing something isn't right but not quite knowing what that may be.

Big enough to remove your focus from Him, yet small in every other way.

After once again questioning His will, the path in front of me, whether I should remove myself from Church, how unworthy I am, how I will never feel "normal" again (yes, I can be melo-dramatic), how I am going to manage a ministry when I can barely manage this life, how, what, where, why, when, blah blah blah etc...

I went so far as to ask my Twitter peeps what I should do...

Prayer seemed to be the unanimous answer.

Since I had tried that, without focus, I went to the one He placed on my path to help me along during this trial, G...

He listened, he is good at that, no judging, just listening, and this time he came back with words that pierced my heart.

I ask him questions, he answers as best as he can, I yell and cry, he is compassionate and kind, I feel anger and try to stuff it, he wants me to let it out, to feel it and move forward, I try to summon hate, he stops it, knowing it just isn't me.

Our talk yesterday was based on loyalty, the one trait I hold above all others.

In my warped way of thinking, I feel like my husband is going to think I gave up on him once the divorce is said and done, that any feelings he may still have, somewhere deep inside of him, will be shattered beyond repair.

This time, upon hearing what I had to say, G didn't hold back (not that he truly ever does).

I won't go into word for word detail because that isn't fair to him, suffice it to say, something, somewhere inside of me changed, sometime between going to sleep last night and waking up this morning.

Last night I went to bed, heavy hearted, filled with so many questions, my mind going a hundred miles an hour, ready to turn and do what I do best when I am facing Him, run.

This morning I woke up lighter, filled with His mercy and His grace, His love and His strength.

Loved, like no other, like I am the only one standing on this Earth, and He is still right here with me...

Overflowing and saturated with His presence, His peace and His love.

My feet hit the floor and I wanted to just dance...

On a side note - G and I exchange songs from time to time, if I hear something that reminds me of him, I send it along and vice versa.

The first song you hear when you come on my blog is G's song, no matter where I am, if I hear it, his face is what I see.

I sent him one last week, upon hearing it, he turned it around and gave it back proclaiming the song was "me"...

It was the first thing I heard when I woke up today, and for the first time, I believed each and every single word in that song, so much so that the morning message I sent him, included a snippet of the song. *sniff sniff* - End of side note.

My friends, the enemy will do anything in his power to keep you from reaching a higher place with our Father.

None of us are untouchable by him, and that is where I made a grave error, thinking that because I am His, the enemy has zero hold on me and a Christian is exactly what he wants.

Someone who, with just the right word, or just the right phrase, will stop and question if He really does hear you, if He really is listening, just like I did this past week.

A new lesson has been learned, vigilance is going to have to be the key to not allow myself to get sucked into the craziness of the enemy, otherwise I may just likely drive myself crazy.   :)

G ~ As always, I thank Him for you and the purpose He has placed on your heart.

You are my friend & my brother in Christ.

I love you more than freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

'Cause This Is Not About What You've Done,
But What's Been Done For You.
This Is Not About Where You've Been,
But Where Your Brokenness Brings You To


He Walked....

"To The End That My Glory May Sing Praise To Thee, And Not Be Silent. O LORD My God, I Will Give Thanks Unto Thee For Ever."
Psalm 30:12

My love for music is as well known as my lack of patience.

It is no secret, I would rather have music on than the TV, which is one of the reasons I love the Church I attend so much, we have some pretty awesome music.

I like being able to seek out new bands, or bands I have never heard of and now that I listen to pretty much nothing but inspirational music, well there is a whole new world in front of me. 

I still have my favorites, I just seem to add new ones almost daily.

"Jesus carried His cross About A Mile, how far are you willing to carry yours?"

Upon going to their website, this is the first thing you will see.

A very powerful question that not a lot of us are willing to answer.

I have spent the last few hours listening to whatever I could find from these guys and I have come to the conclusion that I can't put them in a specific box.

On one song they remind me of Creed and then I change songs and I am reminded of Third Day.

They have a southern rock, blues, hard rock kind of sound and I loved it.

Each and every song I was able to come across, was just wonderful, I did find one that stood out more than the others ~ "It's Just Not Happening".

There was a song I kept reading about that I really wanted to listen to however, I wasn't able to find it anywhere called "Not Alone", if you happen to find it, send me a link please.

"Innocence" and "Send Me An Angel" were beautifully written, "Again" was powerful enough to bring me to tears and the guitar magic in "From Me" blew me away.

So what makes these gentlemen stand out?

To me the one thing that impressed me more then anything is that they are younger then most Christian artists, Adam is 20, Levi is 21 and Luke is 18.

Now think to the young men you know in this age group and how many do you know that actually profess their love for the Lord so freely?

Music has the power to caress your soul, to ease your stress, to speak to you on a deeper, more emotional level and when you can find an artist that does all of that, just like About A Mile does, it is just another way of seeing His hand at work in your life.

There is no shame in the cross they carry and to me that is a beautiful thing to see.

Why Are You Hiding?
Don't You Know That I Could Find You?
Why Are You Lying?
Don't You Know That I Still Love You?


Table For One

"It Is Of The LORD's Mercies That We Are Not Consumed, Because His Compassions Fail Not."
Lamentations 3:22

Do you ever feel like that baby above?

Me too.

Sometimes I just want to have a foot stomping, voice wailing, fist pumping, full blown temper tantrum.

There are times I want to lay on the ground, kicking & pounding the floor, yes, like a two year old who didn't get their way in the toy store.

However, I can't bring myself to literally do it.

Instead, I cave in and have a pity party.

When my energy is completely drained, I feel I have been let down by life, and everything becomes too much for me, I tend to throw a pity party.

Table for one ~ No one else is invited to this shin-dig, because the last thing I want is someone trying to cheer me up when in my mind, the situation is completely hopeless.

To get in the mood all you need to do is fixate on a problem until you blow it completely out of proportion and it is all you can think about.

Sometimes, I allow worthlessness to creep in, feeling so sorry for myself that I tend to mope around as if I literally have the world on my shoulders, looking so down, so defeated and so depressed.

People will ask me what is wrong, and they will all get the same reply - "Nothing".

It doesn't mean my meds need adjustment, it doesn't mean I am heading into a manic or depressive episode, it doesn't make me any less Christian, it just means that quite frankly I have had enough.

In my opinion, having a pity party is a very good way to get rid of all my bad feelings. 

The great thing about a pity party is that it takes minimal amount of planning, all you need is some form of disappointment and you are ready to party!

I am a person who tends to bottle everything up inside myself, and inevitably I will explode at a later date, and it is usually at an inappropriate time, so I feel I need this party to decompress.

Now, since I started this walk, I have been having some thoughts about these pity parties...

Knowing I am to cast all my burdens on Him, allows me to no longer throw myself a party.

Well where is the fun in that?

We all need a good cry every now and then, and a good pity party allows that...

Now, since I am not a fan of crying, I used to store my tears up, that is until G came along and seems to make it his mission in life to get at least a few to fall almost everyday.

I am more "moved" now than I have ever been in my entire life.

Songs, a Scripture, a knowing smile from a friend, a hug from my boys, a door opening from Him, a door He allows to close etc...

There are more things that bring me to tears now than ever before and I am still not a fan of the crying, however I can see His hand in that as well so I accept it as part of the "new" me.

There isn't really a need for me to throw a pity party anymore, but I did, this past weekend...

And according to my Sister, it was a "colossal" pity party.

I can't put my finger on what set it off, however the feelings kicked in Friday night, by Saturday afternoon, I was quite hysterical, standing in the garage, tears streaming down my face, screeching at least 2 full octaves above my normal voice at my Sister, who just stood there staring at me like I had just grown a second head.

Upset that I am not as far along as I want to be, not happy at the moment with my job, the court system, still living with my family, school, getting everything done the way I feel it should be done etc...

Impatience reigns supreme during the time I allow myself to sink into self-pity, who am I kidding, impatience should be my middle name.

And in the middle of this self-imposed pity party, I heard a voice from within (and yes, I did think, "I can't even indulge in a little self-pity anymore" without being convicted for it.) telling me that the time was done for the behavior I was exhibiting, it was unbecoming and no longer necessary.

Party is over my friend, once conviction sets in you can either choose to listen or choose to ignore, I have learned on this journey I may as listen the first time because otherwise I just end up looking like a mental patient stomping my feet and arguing with what looks like myself (I don't even want to know what I look like during this).

Conviction is a feeling I get in my heart that something isn't right within me, Him nudging me until I make it right, and yes, I have stood in the Church, arguing and stomping my feet at Him because He wants something from me that I just don't want to give.

For whatever reason, I was under the impression that being the person I am now and the person I am becoming, I couldn't allow myself to "feel" the way the world feels, nor to respond the way I used to and the intense pressure was eating away at me.

If something happens during the day, I will tell myself, "You can't react the way you used to" or "Would a Pastor respond that way?"

I know that once I am a Pastor, my mindset has to be different then what it used to be, I know my reactions have to be different as well, my perspective has to change and my emotions need to stay in check.

Balance would be a good thing right about now, before I become ordained.

So I have decided that I will no longer hold any more self imposed pity parties, instead I will seek gratefulness when the scales just don't seem to balance out.

No matter what is happening, I do have a lot to be thankful for and I should focus on that instead of what has been taken/lost.

My table for one seems to have always had Another sitting with me, I just didn't notice it until recently.

Like The Nature Of A Child
Lord You Let Me Walk In To The Wild
But I Can Hear You Call Me Back To You
You're Coming In Loud And Clear


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