4/11/10

The Worst Guilt Is To Accept An Unearned Guilt...

"As Far As The East Is From The West, So Far Has He Removed Our Transgressions From Us."
Psalm 103:12

"Brothers, I Do Not Consider Myself Yet To Have Taken Hold Of It. But One Thing I Do: Forgetting What Is Behind And Straining Toward What Is Ahead."
Philippians 3:13

According to the dictionary: Guilt is an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes, accurately or not, that they have violated a moral standard, and bear sole responsibility for that violation.

Guilt...

I have carried an extraordinary amount of guilt around for as long as I can even remember...

My past is my Achilles heel and my mind is my own worst enemy.

Today I am going to try to purge some of that guilt...

This has been the hardest post to date so far that I have written...

Because in order to let go of that guilt, I have to face some of my biggest fears, my biggest mistakes and my biggest failures.

I used to think death was one of my biggest fears...

Now I know it is facing life alone.

I used to think my husband dying before me was one of my biggest fears...

Now I know it is my headstone not having the words "beloved" carved into it.

I used to think anything happening to my boys was one of my biggest fears...

Now I know it is our family divided with one living with me and the other living with his Dad.

I feel like I have failed my boys miserably because I wasn't able to save my marriage, however it takes two people and he just wasn't willing to give an inch.

I look at the faces of my two boys and want to just cry - To write that sentence brings tears forth...

What must they be thinking?

A part of me wishes for complete hindsight before I decided to have them...

To spare them this pain, well I would have done anything in this world possible.

However I wasn't privy to that information beforehand...

Imagine how much easier life would be if we knew these things before they happened...

If we knew of all the bad things ahead of time...

Would you truly want to know?

I say yes however if I stop and think about it I would have to go with no...

No matter the mistakes, the failures, the fears etc...

There is still a lesson to be learned within each situation you find yourself in.

Your job is to seek out the silver lining...

Do you know how?

It is usually found once all the dust has settled around you.

As you stand in the midst of turmoil and chaos, you will see it come to you.

At least that is how I normally find it.

I can trace almost all my silver linings back to my days of using...

I made it through, battered and torn but I am still alive...

The "test" has made for a great "testimony" and I am able to use my knowledge to guide others along a different path then the one I chose.

The silver lining in bi-polar disorder?

The chance to educate people on a mental issue - Not a psycho, serial killer issue.

The silver lining in self-inflicted harm?

The chance to let people know that no matter who you are, doesn't necessarily mean you have the correct tools to cope with what life throws at you.

I still carry a lot of guilt from those days...

The drug use, the bi-polar and the self-injury - An inordinate amount of guilt from what I have done, the pain I personally have inflicted, what I have seen, the pain inflicted on me...

So many bad choices.

Yet through all this, I know I am 100% forgiven...

Washed as white as snow, yet the truth hasn't quite made the journey from my head to my heart...

I have learned guilt is one of Satan's' greatest tools...

It is there to tear you down, make you feel unclean, make you feel unworthy, unloved, unwanted...

It is there to rob you of your Faith and confidence in God.

According to the Bible there are two types of guilt...

There is conviction, it comes from the Holy Spirit - It states that once a person repents, the guilt lifts and that person feels relief and joy knowing that their sin is forgiven.

There is condemnation, it comes from the Devil - This is to torment God's people by reminding them of their past and holding their sins in front of them, even after their sins have been forgiven.

Guilt is a signal notifying your consciousness of things that you need to forgive yourself for.

Guilt will continue to grow when you allow yourself to think about how badly you have messed up, your past, your sins etc...

The more you dwell on this, the more guilt will grow....

The more guilt is allowed to grow, the less you are allowed to flourish completely.

So how do you stop it from consuming you?

You have to learn the difference between conviction and condemnation and then stop listening to condemnation...

Condemnation will weaken you spiritually and build strongholds within your mind. It will tell you what a loser you are and it will show you the problems though avoid showing the solutions...

You have to stop dwelling on your past, know that you are forgiven, know that you are clean through His blood and start thinking about the new person you are in Him.

So where am I in this process?

In my self-reflecting journey, I have found many strongholds that need to be torn down, one at a time...

I am starting with the way I "see" God...

I have found that I don't feel worthy of His love or forgiveness...

I fear Him because of what He is however I am finding it is an unhealthy fear...

Since I can't "feel" Him 24/7 then I know there must be a wall there keeping out what He is trying to give me...

In order to feel His complete love and presence I have to remove this wall...

In order to remove the wall, I have got to learn how to forgive myself...

In order to forgive myself I have to stop listening to condemnation and start listening to conviction.


TENTH AVENUE NORTH
And I'll Be By Your Side
Wherever You Fall
In The Dead Of Night
Whenever You Call
And Please Don't Fight
These Hands That Are Holding You
My Hands Are Holding You

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