My Heavenly Father...

"Turn, O LORD, And Deliver Me; Save Me Because Of Your Unfailing Love"

Psalm 6:4

Dear Lord...

I am tired and I am so very weary...

I know you know this...

I should start with my thanks...

I am so thankful for all the things in my life...

I have so much whereas others have so little...

I say this every night before I go to bed...

I say this every morning when I wake up...

I am sorry I failed you...

I am sorry I always took the hardest route...

I am sorry I turned my back on you so long ago...

I am sorry I abused drugs...

I am sorry I abused my body...

I am sorry I wasn't always a good wife...

I am sorry I wasn't always a good friend...

I am sorry I wasn't always a good daughter...

I am sorry I worry...

I am sorry I doubt...

I am sorry I fear...

I am sorry I always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time...

I am sorry I don't live up to the expectations set by others...

I am trying to change all that...

Day by day...

You have to be able to see this...

You also see my anger at You...

Yes I am mad...

I am hurt...

I am in tremendous pain and sit here wondering when it will end...

I wonder why You have allowed everything I ever held true to be taken from me?

I know according to Your book, you could have stopped this before it started...

You are the end all, be all...

The Alpha and the Omega...

Yet You didn't stop this train wreck from happening...

You sat back and watched my whole life fall apart...

And You did nothing...

You knew that man would break me and You. Did. Nothing.

Why?

Haven't I suffered enough in this life?

I have overcome so much and then to have this land in my lap?

I am at a loss as to why You didn't intervene?

You saved me from a certain death so long ago...

I know You were there that night...

That horrible night so long ago...

You didn't step in then either...

My innocence shattered and no one stepped in...

Why?

Is my life nothing but a series of tests that I am apparently bound to fail?

Why did you even put me here then?

What am I contributing?

I have turned everything around...

I am back in a wonderful Church...

I have a Pastor I adore...

I have a fantastic Church family...

I got baptised in Your name...

I was saved in Your name...

And the more right I try to do, the more things go wrong...

Why?

I came to you...

I begged forgiveness...

I turned from my ugly ways...

Still the things I held most kept crumbling down around me...

My husband - The man I thought was an answer to my prayers so long ago - Gone...

My oldest son - The young man I adore with all I have - Gone...

My house - The place I felt safe - Gone....

My car - The way I could get around without relying on others - Gone...

I thank you for my boys...

I still have the little one...

The oldest doesn't want to be with me...

Do you know how bad that hurts?

He chose his cheating Dad over me...

Neither one of them asked to be born...

You placed them in our care knowing this would happen...

Why?
Where are You as I cry?

Where are You when I call out Your name?

I seek, yet I can't find...

You are my Father...

I am Your daughter

You are the epitome of Love...

How can You sit there, watching me night after night, day after day and not step in?

How can You be ok with the endless amount of pain I feel?

How can You be ok with Tigger being mistreated so bad?

He is an innocent child...

6 years old...

All he wants is his life to go back to normal and I can't give that to him...

I don't know how to be everything to everyone anymore.

I wonder sometimes if I am being punished for all my wrongdoings...

Pastor says no, You aren't like that...

Then I ask You...

I beg You to please Have Mercy on me...

I can't take much more of this...

This soul-searching journey You have called me on is brutally painful...

I know I am a screw up and I am so sorry for that...

But I am trying Lord...

I really am trying to be a better person...

Please see that...

Please don't forget me down here...

Please don't leave me all alone...

Please hear my cries, my prayers...

See my raging sea and please either calm it or calm me - I am begging You.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
If There Are Millions
Down On Their Knees
Among The Many
Can You Still Hear Me
Here Me Asking
Where Do I Belong
Is There A Vision
That I Can Call My Own