Two Sides: Dark Night Of The Soul...

"Enter Through The Narrow Gate. For Wide Is The Gate And Broad Is The Road That Leads To Destruction, And Many Enter Through It. But Small Is The Gate And Narrow The Road That Leads To Life, And Only A Few Find It."

Matthew 7:13-14

Someone used the phrase "Dark Night of the Soul" to me recently...

I have never heard of it before and quite frankly brushed it off at the time...

The phrase made it's way into my thoughts today...

Fleeting at first and it just grew stronger from there until I took the time to look up what it meant...

It is a period of questioning one's Salvation...

Spiritual anguish...

A lengthy and profound absence of light and hope.

Within this dark night, you feel utterly alone...

Your Faith is strong...

You spend time with fellow worshipers...

You have found a spiritual adviser...

You can look around and see His works within your life...

Yet you find yourself on the outside...

Caught between your old life and the new one you are so desperately trying to put together...

You don't feel like you belong in either place...

You can't turn back into the past that got you here, yet you don't know how to embrace the new way...

You try and try to pursue the new way of life yet you are still pulling the heavy weight of your past with you...

You try to be the way you are supposed to be...

You try to be good however find at times you just can't...

You try to be loving only to realize at times your heart is nothing but stone...

It still feels like everything is falling down around you, yet you still struggle to break through and find that you just can't...

The joy you felt only a few short months ago is gone and you have no idea how to get it back...

You want the joy and fulfillment you felt to come back, however something is keeping it from you...

Your prayers aren't quite as thankful as they used to be...

Confusion is looming on the outskirts of your consciousness...

Your fellow worshippers may recognize this state you are in...

They will show concern and kindness, some may have already passed through this...

You won't care...

You will function in life and go about doing whatever you need to do however inside all you feel is numb...

Then you will question...

Do I have any business being in this Church?

Do I have any business being with these people?

Is He listening?

Does He care?

Does He exist?

Your fellow worshippers, who can recognize this turmoil within you, will tell you to keep on the path...

No matter how painful, you have to keep moving forward, otherwise you will quit and go back to your old life, yet you will forevermore feel like you don't belong.

There is a reason you are being drawn in the Dark Night - In order to be transformed, your ego must die...

Yes...

Your ego has brought you here and now you have you make another painful journey in order to come out on the other side...

I haven't been to Church in over a week...

Tomorrow I am not going either...

I haven't spoken to anyone other then the minister who told me about this journey...

I avoid the phone calls and emails...

I have nothing to offer them...

The place where I felt the most peace, has now brought me chaos...

The people who I felt the closest to, have now brought me turmoil...

My Pastor, my beloved Pastor, I can't even look at him right now for fear he will see my confusion...

I feel inadequate and alienated...

I don't know where I am spiritually...

The joy I had isn't there anymore...

The urgency to be within Him isn't there anymore...

I feel hollow...

I do whatever I need to do however there is no motivation...

Some of you may think I need to re-adjust my meds however this is different...

It isn't my bi-polar speaking on an emotional level...

This is a spiritual war going on...

There isn't enough medication in the world for that...

God seems so very far away from me...

I don't hear Him and I no longer feel His presence...

The harder I try, the deeper the valley seems to become...

Then I wonder...

Has He forsaken me?

Has He given up on me?

Has He turned His back on me?

Has He forgotten about me?

Does He no longer love me?

Is He disappointed in me?

I know out of confusion will come clarity, however the clarity seems to be out of reach...

I try to hold onto my Faith each and every day, however it seems to be dwindling no matter how hard I try...

I talk to Him every day...

I still hit my knees every night...

I still give my thanks every morning...

Yet I still don't feel Him...

I am not looking for the "Santa Claus" God that a lot of people put Faith in...

You know the one...

"If you do this, then I will do that"...

You ask only when you want something and then forget to even utter a thank you...

I am not asking to be a millionaire...

I am not asking for my marriage to be restored...

I am not asking to be beautiful or skinnier or younger etc...

I am asking for Him to show me the way He wants me to go...

I am asking for an ounce of peace to last me throughout the week...

I am trying to follow His word...

His way...

However it is hard when you don't have the direction...

It is hard when all you are hearing is silence...

It is hard when all you feel is the weight of the world on your shoulders...

When all you want is His comfort...

When all you want is His voice...

I lay down at night later and later...

My prayers get longer and longer...

I ask for forgiveness for doubting...

I beg for His mercy over me...

I seek and I seek and I still can't find...

I have people come to me asking "How can you be so strong?" and I give Him the Glory...

I have people come to me asking "How can you still believe?" and I give Him the Praise...

My Faith may be dwindling however I am going to fight that with eveything I have within me because my Faith is what has gotten me this far...

I don't believe He would bring me this far and then leave me hanging...

It just feels like that at this point in time.

I know in my heart I am one of His sheep and I know from His word that He will not leave me alone for long.