Because You Asked

I am at work right now but since some of you asked and I am ever obliging to my BFs' I am going to explain my oldest to you....

He is my firstborn and I can still remember the day (almost 14 years ago - Where did the time go?) that we brought him home...

He is a very pretty guy (don't tell him I said that)...He has soft features and pretty is the only word to describe it.

He is very tall - Almost as tall as I am which is 5'10...

He is very very skinny - All legs and arms and no he damn sure didn't take after me LOL...

He gets good grades in school as you all know...

All his classes are advanced classes and he hates that I agree with the school on having him in them...

He has a couple of gender specific classes and hates that even more...

His room looks like a friggen bomb went off in there and he is very slow to clean it...

He is excellent with Tigger and any other children he comes in contact with...

He doesn't talk much (That is ok because Tigger more then makes up for it!)...

He tries to act tough then at times I see my little boy still in there...

He is more like me then I care to admit (scary I know)...

He stands out in class because he isn't like the other kids in there...

He isn't going to be the one wearing Khakis with the mechanical pencil in his shirt (Yes kids still do that haha) and his nice starched shirt tucked into his pants with a belt and nice laced up shoes...

Mine is the one wearing all black all the friggen time (We live in the Sunshine State - It is HOT here people!)...

Skin tight (so tight you can see the package - his friends do this to - looks painful to me) jeans, black shirt with some band on it I have never heard of and clunky skateboarding shoes that aren't tied...

He has been known to paint his nails black as well...

He also has long hair...

Let me rephrase that...

Long WHITE hair...

His hair is the color woman pay excellent money to get and it is all natural (Yes that he got from me - Whoo-Hoo)...Think the lightest blond you can imagine (not mine anymore cause I color mine all the time) and that would be his...

I have avoided allowing him to mess with his hair because in all reality it is such a pretty color and I am all about picking and choosing my battles however he has been begging me to let him color his hair jet black...

Now we are Casper white people (Me, him and Tigger) and with jet black hair I am sure he would look transparent plus I know all about coloring hair and how it can ruin it for good so I made a compromise sorta...

He asked for some black streaks and my dumb ass said ok...

I haven't seen him today since he was at a friends' house who was doing it for him and I am a little scared now lol...

Personally I really don't mind what I mind is the prejudging that I know people do when they see him however he is so self-confident and it doesn't bother him at all...

I realized I could learn a thing or 2 from him...

Once I see it I will let you all know - Maybe he will let me take a picture of it. (doubt it because I am that way as well)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Be safe!!


MICHAEL W. SMITH
Here I Stand
Arms Open Wide
I've Held Ya Close
Kept You Safe
Till You Could Fly

Remember This...

It is 11pm and I should be in bed but like normal I am not...I just happened to finally go through my mail today and guess what I got?

Remember this post about my oldest and the Who's Who nomination...

The letter came today and I stared at it thinking - Don't get your hopes up - He is in 7th grade and the others are so much older then him etc....

We told him from the day he got the letter how much of an honor it was just to be nominated and how proud we were of him for that...

I waited to open the letter just so I wasn't disappointed for him and of course curiosity got the best of me...

Hold your breath like I did and now read this -

"This award is being presented to "Eeyore" for being recognized as an honored student in the 2008-2009 National Edition of Who's Who Registry of Academic Excellence tm"

Can I just say HOLY SHIT! He made it and he doesn't even know since he is staying at a friends' house tonight and they are dying their hair black...(that is another story for another time)

I know you are probably all sleeping but I had to share with you guys!

Have a wonderful night...Sleep tight and sweet dreams to you all!

P.S. Hubby is on the way home :)

I Accept It

The words we all want to hear are not the following - "I give you maybe 2 weeks before you have a psychotic breakdown" and this little gem - "The voices carrying on a conversation in your head aren't normal"...

This is what my Dr. said to me before I started crying...

I knew things were bad but to throw the word psychotic into the mix doesn't sit very well with me then she went down a list of "symptoms" and the truth was like a lightning bolt from the sky....

Could I be in any more denial?

Now don't be scared...

I am not going to go postal...

Yet...

I now have 3 prescriptions - Yea me...

Cause one is bad enough but let us add 2 more to the mix - Whoo-hoo...

One is for Bipolar (probable lifer pill) - One is for Anxiety (not a lifer pill) and the last is the one I have been taking for the last week just to keep everything at bay...

We spoke for over 40 minutes to determine I am not suicidal and to make sure I didn't start cutting again.

I am not sleeping enough she says - I know I say - I can't shut my mind up.

I am walking the paranoid/delusional line she says.

I am headed for a complete psychotic breakdown.

What are the voices telling you? (Geez I feel like I am in a movie by saying that)

So we do the psychiatric dance...I tell her why and when I stopped taking my meds and she in turn tells me what is going to happen sooner rather then later if I don't take them. "Your mind can only handle so much before it shuts down completely". That is a sobering thought if you think about it.

"It is difficult to tolerate living in a state of anxiety for an extended period of time. The mind can only tolerate so much angst."

"If you continue on this path, your mind may blank out self-protectively"

The next thing she said to me was Ego-Dystonic...

(WTF is that you ask - No problem I have never heard of it either so I had to ask) -

*People who suffer from ego-dystonic thoughts never follow their thoughts with actions, in fact the thoughts offer them nothing but distress and shame. Their will is to rid themselves of the thoughts as quickly as is possible. For people who are suffering in this way, attempting to rid themselves of these thoughts is the worst possible course of action, indeed these thoughts have only become strong because of repeated attempts not to think them.*

High five that right there because no matter how hard I try, the thoughts keep coming back stronger and stronger - My meds for the bipolar will quiet that as well as the paranoia and the voices. The other will keep the anxiety at bay so I can function.

"How do you feel?" She asks me after the session...

"Broken"...

"Why?" She asks...

"I lost" I say...

"Lost what?" She says...

"Lost the fight I had within about being on medication" I say...

"It isn't supposed to be a fight...It is just to make you better" She says...

"I hate it" I say...

"I know" She says...

"I accept it" I say...

"You have to otherwise you may not come back from it next time" She says...

That isn't the only bitter pill I have to swallow today.

So my BFs' tonight I go back on my meds and you know I don't feel so bad about it anymore...

Do I like it? Hell no - But I accept it now and those words have taken me a very long time to say aloud. Besides it doesn't own me it is only a part of my sparkling personality :o)

I am the only one responsible for my actions and my happiness.

Today is a new day and now I move forward and make amends once again. So I will start here...To any and all I have offended with my ranting and raving - I apologize.

Am I done blogging? Hell no - I would miss you all to much and I feel we are here with one another for a reason at this time.

Time to move forward and see where this road takes us - It isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies because quite frankly that isn't who I am and I know that one (or 3-4 pills a day) won't make everything all better and I need this for my outlet on good and bad days...

I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your emails and kind words (and sometimes harsh words).

LINKIN PARK

I'll Start Again

And Whatever Pain May Come

Today This Ends

I'm Forgiving What I've Done

I'll Face Myself

To Cross Out What I've Become

Erase Myself

And Let Go Of What I've Done

Today

I am home today with Tigger...He is sick with a fever, cough and runny nose...I will be back tomorrow and I wish you all a wonderful day!

Fun....

Go guess Nikki's shoe for a chance to win a gorgeous key chain she lovingly made with her own two hands! Comment on the shoe and tell her I sent you....Go! Go! Go!

Voices...

**Curse words to follow**

We all have voices in our head...

This isn't a mental thing...

It is a normal thing...

Some of us can ignore those voices better then others...

Then there are those of us who don't ignore and act on those voices...

The voice tears you down time and time again...

It lies to you...

Tells you that you are a shitty wife or a shitty Mom or a shitty friend...

You aren't good enough for him or they deserve better then you give...

He is cheating or they don't really love you...

I act on this voice instead of ignoring it...

I don't know how to ignore this voice...

This voice has caused extreme tension within my household...

Because I am already paranoid to begin with and then taking on this voice as well has caused me to lash out at my kids and hubby...

You know of the accusations I have thrown at my husband...

Day in day out my suspicious mind won't shut the hell up...

I check his cell phone all day to see who he is talking to...

I check his computer...

I check his Facebook...

I then question each and every word out of his mouth.....

The more he tries to prove he isn't doing anything improper the more suspicious I get...

I spend all day fighting within my head...

Believing him then questioning him ALL DAY LONG...

Now he is gone...

He left for a few days...

Needed to get some insight...

Needed to clear his head...

I did that...

I forced him to get away from me...

I gave him so much shit the past month that he had to get out...

I gave the one person I love more then anything in this world nothing but grief and pain for no reason.

Who the fuck does that? He says he is just visiting family...

My voice says he is probably deciding on leaving me for good...

He says no...

My voice says yes...

He loves me with all his heart...

My voice says he is just saying what I want to hear...

See a pattern?

Is there even medication for something like that?

How do I change?

How do I become the person I want to be?

How can I be more trustful?

How can I just listen to him when he says I love you and accept that and not look for hidden meaning where there is none?

How do I stop being so fucking suspicious?

How do I get my husband back?

As I write that my voice says - Why would he want to come back?

My heart hurts...

I have cried until there are no more tears left...

I truly don't know what to do anymore...

I truly don't know who I am anymore...

I truly don't know what comes next.


STAIND
Through Your Eyes
Everything's Clear
And I'm Home
Inside Your Arms
But I'm Alone For Now.