We all have voices in our head...
This isn't a mental thing...
It is a normal thing...
Some of us can ignore those voices better then others...
Then there are those of us who don't ignore and act on those voices...
The voice tears you down time and time again...
It lies to you...
Tells you that you are a shitty wife or a shitty Mom or a shitty friend...
You aren't good enough for him or they deserve better then you give...
He is cheating or they don't really love you...
I act on this voice instead of ignoring it...
I don't know how to ignore this voice...
This voice has caused extreme tension within my household...
Because I am already paranoid to begin with and then taking on this voice as well has caused me to lash out at my kids and hubby...
You know of the accusations I have thrown at my husband...
Day in day out my suspicious mind won't shut the hell up...
I check his cell phone all day to see who he is talking to...
I check his computer...
I check his Facebook...
I then question each and every word out of his mouth.....
The more he tries to prove he isn't doing anything improper the more suspicious I get...
I spend all day fighting within my head...
Believing him then questioning him ALL DAY LONG...
Now he is gone...
He left for a few days...
Needed to get some insight...
Needed to clear his head...
I did that...
I forced him to get away from me...
I gave him so much shit the past month that he had to get out...
I gave the one person I love more then anything in this world nothing but grief and pain for no reason.
Who the fuck does that? He says he is just visiting family...
My voice says he is probably deciding on leaving me for good...
He says no...
My voice says yes...
He loves me with all his heart...
My voice says he is just saying what I want to hear...
See a pattern?
Is there even medication for something like that?
How do I change?
How do I become the person I want to be?
How can I be more trustful?
How can I just listen to him when he says I love you and accept that and not look for hidden meaning where there is none?
How do I stop being so fucking suspicious?
How do I get my husband back?
As I write that my voice says - Why would he want to come back?
My heart hurts...
I have cried until there are no more tears left...
I truly don't know what to do anymore...
I truly don't know who I am anymore...
I truly don't know what comes next.
STAIND
Through Your Eyes
Everything's Clear
And I'm Home
Inside Your Arms
But I'm Alone For Now.
Oh my...
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I too, have dealt with thoughts of inadequacy. It's hard... You see other people who seem to deal so well (they probably aren't..)...but you still think geeze, why can't I get my "self" together. I've been there..
I'm sorry that he left...
My advice...(not that you asked for it) is:
try, with all you have, to believe that he's just on a break-and will return...
Thank you for sharing yourself with us...
I have no other words, just know I'm here.
Yes there is medication for that... but I think once you're on meds for the other things, this may be taken care of at the same time. I am so sorry, and I know you really don't mean to be this way with your husband. I think he knows it too. You had to admit, he does need a break and nobody can make you trust except you. Its not something he can do for you or anyone else can do for you... you've just got to set your mind to it and try to stick to it (easier said than done.) Your hubby knows you're going to the Dr in 4 days... Think of that voice in your head as the devil sitting on your left shoulder. You know the cartoon? The Angel and the Devil on either side... the angel tries to steer you honest and true but the devil side wants you to ruin it all. Its basically a choice you have to make in your head... which voice to listen to... you're right, we all have those. ((HUGS)) Hang in there, girl.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for God to give you a clear head, to quiet the voices that don't need to be there. I don't know if there is medicine, but God can do it. I ♥ u.
ReplyDeletesome more unsolicited advice...
ReplyDeletei'm just going to give you some hopefully "grounding" tidbits of thought here...
i hope not to sound too blunt - believe me, i'm only saying these things because i care about you.
first, it is perfectly OK for your hubby to go get some space. this is hard on him. you know this. if you could get some space from it, wouldn't you? let your love for him allow you to see things from a different angle.
secondly, IF, and i'm just saying IF, your husband decides he can't handle this anymore, at least right now until hopefully your new Dr can help you out, what is the worst possible thing that could happen??
THE BOTH OF YOU might have a chance to concentrate on the things that have been inadvertently neglected - yourselves.
he'd get some respite and maybe you'd have the opportunity to get more down to business working on yourself without him there to blame things on and take things out on. (of course i know you don't do this on purpose, but you know that it's still reality.)
i'm not saying forever, of course. but sometimes you can't move forward without taking a step back. ya know...?
{hugs}
Aw, hang in there. How many days till your appt? You can always come meet your crazy friend, if you need to escape, or someone to talk to.
ReplyDeletePS this is how it had to happen for me and my 13 yr old daughter. she is in a residential facility - not sure if you know the whole story.
ReplyDeletebut i wanted you to know that i didnt just pull all that out of my ass.
in our situation i am kinda like your husband. i HAD to have a break. and it DOES NOT mean i dont love her.
away from me she seems to work harder on herself, for the very same reason i stated above - she was so worried about taking everything out on me, and now she doesnt have that distraction. she HAS to work on herself now, she has no choice.
sorry, i wanted to explain further because sometimes i can be a little too blunt i think. However, this is how i deal with both my daughters.
When there is something big like this going on, rather than get caught up in emotion, start stating things that are PURELY FACTUAL.
~this is hard on BOTH of you.
~he loves you but does need a break.
~you cant concentrate on yourself with him around anyway.
i love you..
I love what Diane has to say... It is true. I know you love your husband A LOT so let him take the time he needs. He did not abandon you, he just needed to take a breather so he can come back stronger for the both of you.
ReplyDeleteLet him take his time & you take yours. It maybe good for both of you to get a break. I really am praying that God intervenes because I know you & your family are hurting. I am hoping that your appt turns out really well for you!
ReplyDeleteOh Serenity, I am praying that God uses this time to work in your marriage. I can't even begin to imagine the struggle you are in, however, I do know that we only see a tiny piece of the picture, where as God sees the WHOLE thing. I love you, my BF.
ReplyDeleteFor God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
ReplyDelete2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
I have repeated this over and over and over again. Remember you can trust in yourself and that you have a SOUND MIND. Do not give in to those nagging voices. They are not real and do not tell you the truth. I have been there checking and rechecking information. Not believing in myself or my husband at the time. Hold on tight and remember day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute or even second by second--you can do this!
I was exactly where you re now, well except for the fact that I had a wife and not a husband. She didn't leave me. I gave her so much sh!t that I decided to leave.
ReplyDeleteI finally did over come the voices. I thought it would be switch that I throw deep inside my head and they would be gone. But it wasn't. every minute I had to fight with them. They still visit me now and then, but I don't listen. I force myself to to think of something else.
Don't allow the voices to complete a sentence! Stop them, even if you say random crap in your head to shut them up. Or sing, or fantasize about anything, just don't let the voices get their say in!
Good luck!