Desperation Leads To Accepting...Less Then You Are Worth

"But We Have This Treasure In Jars Of Clay To Show That This All-Surpassing Power Is From God And Not From Us. We Are Hard Pressed On Every Side, But Not Crushed; Perplexed, But Not In Despair; Persecuted, But Not Abandoned; Struck Down, But Not Destroyed. We Always Carry Around In Our Body The Death Of Jesus, So That The Life Of Jesus May Always Be Revealed In Our Body. For We Who Are Alive Are Always Being Given Over To Death For Jesus' Sake, So That His Life May Be Revealed In Our Mortal Body"
2 Corinthians 4:7-11

The title is courtesy of my big brother G...

After a lengthy conversation he threw that out at me...

I didn't like that definition...

I didn't even like the conversation to be honest...

Am I desperate?

I didn't think so but he pointed out to me that I am indeed desperate.

Desperate for acceptance, for love, for normalcy, for inner peace...

I will accept "crumbs" from the people in my life because that is what I am used to.

I trust to quick and forgive even quicker...

No matter what anyone does to me, I am always the first to say "I am sorry".

I posted awhile back about being like Switzerland - Neutral on all accounts.

What do we call that?

A doormat.

Finding a happy medium has been quite a challenge for me...

I find myself going between one extreme to another...

Either the quintessential doormat or a bitter, hateful, scorned woman...

Neither of these options is appealing to me.

I get up every morning wondering what He would want me to do that day and usually by the end of the day I have failed miserably.

I have had this thought that I have to be perfect where He is concerned period...

Now of course the rational part of me knows that is impossible, however a part of me wonders just how many times He can actually forgive me.

Like somehow I am only allowed a certain amount of strikes before He says forget it - "She isn't worthy anymore."

I know God doesn't work that way however a part of me wonders;

Why He didn't move the mountain in front of me.

Why He allowed the waves to overtake me...

Why He put 2 people together 22 years ago for it to end like this?

What in the world is the lesson He is trying to teach me?

I would think my marriage surviving would be a better testimony then it ending in divorce.

I would think never having to face infidelity would be better then being thrown in the middle of it.

I think a lot of things to which I have no answers forthcoming.

To have the one person you trusted more then anyone else in the world devastate you the way my husband did, well it can do some serious damage to your psyche if allowed.

To have everything you have ever held a belief in decimated beyond your control could turn any sane person crazy.

I have entertained ideas of revenge - Only natural...

I make a conscious effort to not follow those thoughts.

First and foremost it is because I know He will take care of the punishment and anything I could ever think about I know His will be much much harsher.

Secondly, I don't entertain jail anytime soon so I just let it be.

So I ponder a lot...

I think a lot...

I wonder a lot...

I spend a lot of time with Him...

I am still trying to seek the Holy Spirit as well.

I wonder what He thinks when He looks down on me?

I wonder if He is proud of the decisions I have made?

I wonder if I am doing what He wants me to do?

I wonder why He called me to this path?

I wonder how many times I will fall before I "get it"?

I wonder how close He truly is when I feel so desperately alone?

I wonder when I kneel at night if I am kneeling onto His knee like the picture below?

Is He there?

Does He have His hand on my head trying to show me He is right there with me?

So in answer to my brothers' question - Yes I am desperate...

Desperate to know that none of this was in vain and that there is a greater purpose behind my path.

Desperate for His love...His mercy...His acceptance.

Michael W. Smith
So Take Me As You Find Me
All My Fears And Failures
Fill My Life Again
I Give My Life To Follow
Everything I Believe In
Now I Surrender


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