Award

I received an award this morning from a fellow blogger I don't know her name but I love how happy and carefree she is so "Girl" I thank you!

She has awarded her followers with The Splash Award and this means...well...that our blogs are alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring! Thank you very much!

I'm supposed to give this to 9 blogs (I have 10 on my list) which I find, alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring! This was pretty hard but here goes...

The first 6 bloggers on here know how I feel about them...I normally "talk" to at least 3 of them throughout the day and I love them to pieces...

The last 4 are newer followers and I am new to their blogs as well but they have captivated me and I adore them.

Moody has a wonderful blog about her dealings with Bipolar and I am happy to have found it...

Joy blogs about being on the other side of a mental illness and it has made me see both sides and it makes me take a long hard look at how my actions are seen and how they affect other people...

Louis is the first guy blogger I have sent an award to...Not sure if guys like these as much as us girls do however I look forward to every one of his posts...

Manic also blogs about Bipolar and understands my aversion to meds...We have been on some of the same ones so she knows what I am talking about.

So if you haven't had a chance to check them out please do...Happy Friday to all!

Alicia

Jenn

Nikki

Ace

Juls

Diane

Moody

Joy

Louis

Manic

Are You Scared?

*Bad Words within the post*


Fear is defined as:
A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension.


Paranoia is defined as:
A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
Extreme, irrational distrust of others.


Delusion is defined as:
Psychiatry: A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness.



I have learned fear goes along with bipolar...

Not just normal everyday fear...

Fear to the extreme...

Fear that can take your breath away and send you running under the covers...

Fear of losing your mind...

Fear of people finding out your secret...

Fear of gravely doing harm to yourself or others...

Fear of being hospitalized...

Fear of never recovering...

This bout of shit I have been going through the last few weeks has taught me a couple of things...

There is no recovery...

No matter how much I try to convince myself, I will never be healed...

I can take medication to help but never to heal...

This time I have 2 new things going on that I never noticed before...

Paranoia and Delusions...

Someone very close to me has been the subject of my shit...

He has taken the brunt of crap I have been dishing out and now that I am coming down (so to speak), I feel horrible...

My husband...

The person I trust more then anyone in the world - No matter what...

The person who has stood by me for the last 19 years...

The one I can always go to has now become the object of my scorn and hatefulness...

Nothing he does makes me think any different...

For the last few weeks I have accused him of some awful things with no merit on his part...

Yes in the 19 years we have been married, we have had our problems (who doesn't) however he has never done anything to deserve the shit I have thrown his way so for that I am truly sorry.

Yesterday was a good day (which in turn makes me think I am good) and today I got up in a good mood...

Going along getting the boys off to school and like a freight train it hits me...

It starts in my stomach....

A sick feeling in the pit...

My heart feels so very heavy and then I can feel the rage building...

That is something I try extremely hard to control...

I want to lash out...

I want to hit something or someone...

I need to hurt someone as much as I hurt...

I need someone to feel the unbearable pain I feel each and every single minute of each and every single day of my pathetic life...I need someone to have that weight crush them just as it crushes me...

I want to get in my car and just leave before the rage takes over...

I have had to control this for a very long time and it scares me...

The extent of what I am capable of blows my mind...

I don't spank either of our kids due to the fact that I know in my heart and in my head I won't stop...

Once I reach that point it is all lost and someone will get hurt. (Another reason for the cutting)

Anyway...

The rage isn't new however it usually has to be provoked (I say usually and I mean about 99.9999% of the time)...

I have never had it come out of the blue like that and it scared the shit out of me and then I knew...

This morning I knew I would never be whole again...

I will forever have a shattered mind that has to be held together with a medication band-aid...

I will forever have these thoughts that can be suppressed with mind-altering drugs but they will never go away...

I will forever have bouts of rage, sadness, panic, anxiety, fear, happiness and calm...

I will never be a normal happy girl like I pray for each night...

I will never be a perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister etc...

I will never be able to please everybody...

The racing thoughts will always be there and while I do not have to like it I think it is finally time I accept it...

I will forever have bipolar and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change that...

It is almost time for healing to begin...

THREE DOORS DOWN

But What You Thought Was Real In Life

Oh, It Somehow Steered You Wrong

And Now You Just Keep Trying & Trying To Find Out Where You Belong

And I Know You Feel Helpless Now, & I Know You Feel, Hold On

That’s The Same Road, The Same Road That I’m On

Odds & Ends

Thank you to all of you who sent me an email/comment making sure I was ok...I am better today...It comes in waves and yesterday was just a rough one...It has made me realize I do need to get some help...Even though today is better that doesn't mean tomorrow might be like yesterday and I just don't want to take the chance anymore...Your kind words have made me see I am not alone and I have people rooting for me...People I don't even know...I thank you from the bottom of my heart. ♥

There are a lot of things in my life that I overlook however there are somethings I can't just blow off...Judging people just at face value makes me sad and angry...This brought me to tears and I am so happy for her...If you have seen it then you know what I mean...If you haven't please take 7 minutes out of your day and watch. Let me know if you don't get a little misty.

I will be back tomorrow....I hope you all have a wonderful night! Please send up a prayer for my BF Alicia She is taking a trip and I just want to wish her a safe journey :o)

Be safe all.

My Crazee Friend

She is crazee, sweet, kind, wonderful and always gives some great advice...Meet my BF Juls I know some of you already know her but did you know she has a new blog??? She is kind enough to offer advice on just about anything for free...Got that? FREE! Love her to pieces...Go see her....Now :o) (Maybe she can help me with my bossiness???)

Turtles

I haven't shared this with anyone except my hubby....

As you know I chose a turtle for my higher power when I was in rehab...

I was raging mad at God for allowing me to fall so low and I figured since I couldn't pray to Him I would pray to a turtle...

Not any turtle in particular...

We just had to pick something and that is what came to mind at the time...

Since then, I have noticed that when I am at a very low point in my life no matter where I am living, a live turtle will cross my path...

When my cat of 14 years died and I was so sad, a turtle appeared out of nowhere and came to rest in my line of sight and that was the first time I felt at peace with her death...

When hubby and I fought and fought about the ex and he took off for a few days to clear his head, I was sitting outside and from out of the shrubs came a turtle...I knew everything would be ok...

When my anxiety was once at an all time high, I was driving and had to slow for a turtle to cross my path...I had the time to calm down and think more clearly....

These past few weeks have been awful for me...

My inner peace is completely gone...

I am becoming more irrational as the days pass...

Paranoia and delusions are settling where peace and calm used to reside...

I have a Dr.s appt. in 16 days (or sooner if there is a cancellation) and it couldn't come soon enough...I am changing my mind about being off my meds and want to seriously talk to her about that...

Anyway...The past few weeks I can feel something building up...

The pressure is enough to take my breath away...

I am constantly feeling like I am choking and on the verge of tears...

I barely eat...

I hardly sleep...

I am constantly on edge and my family is paying for it...

The urge to cut is becoming more and more of an option...

I seriously feel like I am losing my mind and that others are actually trying to push me over the edge....

I feel like my family members are in cahoots with one another and they have made a pact to see which one is going to win...

Which one of them is going to shatter my mind into a million unrepairable pieces....

This isn't a game...This is my sanity that I can feel slipping out of my hands like sand on a beach...

I stood outside today, looked over the balcony and below me in the parking lot sat a turtle.

Is this His way of telling me I am going to be ok?

That I am going to win this battle?

That is the way I am trying to look at it...

I have begged and pleaded and raged at Him to please send me a sign...Please show me I am not going to lose my mind...I may be on the brink of it however I don't want to go any further then I am...

I can barely swallow writing this...I am actually going to admit to you that I think I may need help after all. You truly don't know how horrible it makes me feel to say that.

BLUE OCTOBER
I’ll Be As Honest As I Feel
I’m Getting More Paranoid And I’m Hearing Things
And They Never Turn Out Real
It Feels Like My Heart Is Made Of Pure Steel
It’s Just So Heavy All The Time

0 to 100 in 3 Seconds Flat

I have been working on this post for a few days now and I am warning you now I didn't hold anything back....These are my thoughts and my feelings on having bipolar...There is bad language so if that offends you I am sorry...You have been warned....


01/27/09
Is the day I made my first post...
If I wouldn't have started this I don't think I would be here right now...
That day was the day I was done...
Done with the meds...
Done with the constant fighting inside myself...
Done hurting my family...
I was ready to die...
I figured my kids could do no better then having to live with a mom who just couldn't get her fucking mind together...
I wanted nothing more from my life and then I wrote a welcome post..
Then another post later and so on until I could get on here and work it out...
Originally this blog was going to be private however something told me to leave it public...
So I left it and a few days later I started getting the sweetest comments from people and little by little it eased the pressure that had been building for so long.
I have met some really fantastic people on here who are nothing like me however they accept me without judgement...
Just by what I say here....
That my friends is something I treasure so much you may never know the depths of it.

I have at one point in time or another been called the following...Paranoid, Psycho, Mental, Schizophrenic, Crazy Bitch, Wacko etc...I am none of these....I have bipolar and when I started this blog it was with the soul purpose of helping others who feel stigmatized by society...Having a mental illness is bad enough...Having people not understand and think you are a freak is even worse....I wanted a place where others could come, share and feel wanted....

I was diagnosed at 17 long before bipolar was "cool" and have been through a shitload of meds from then until now...I used cutting as a form of dealing with my life and there is nothing cool about that. Each and every day that I allow this to build up, brings me back to the days when a razor would fix it all...Just a few slices and the relief would be there...As of this moment I have zero meds in my system though that may change when I go back to my Dr.

Bipolar is a chemical imbalance in my brain that I have a hard time controlling however I am doing the best I can with what I have. Some days of course are better then others...The bad days make me want to take my medication and the good days show me why I don't take it.


Bipolar used to be called manic depressive disorder...It is a mood disorder that is identified by highs and lows which are much more extreme than most people are used to. While in the grip of a bipolar episode suffers can act in ways that are very unlike their normal pattern of behaviour and this can sometimes turn dangerous.

When I am high (manic), I am unstoppable...I am full of energy and will take on anything...Sounds good right? No...This can then lead a person who is bipolar to making bad decisions, turning to drugs such as cocaine and consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. Some people also find that during a high they will get an overwhelming urge to spend large amounts of money that often they cannot afford....

See this "high"??? It has put us into bankruptcy.



When I am low (depressed), this can last for very prolonged periods of time and this can have a profound effect on the person suffering. Sometimes I might not want to get up in the mornings so my work suffers. I have little or no appetite and things that I once enjoyed hold no appeal. Some people who are bipolar also contemplate suicide...

See this "low"??? It brought me to you.



In the middle - These highs and lows can be mixed with times I can feel quite well and as though I am not bipolar. This can be a tough time as it is at this point that some bipolar sufferers believe that they are cured and no longer have to take their prescribed medication...

Guess where I am on this???



Bipolar is a lifetime of struggling through delusions, suicidal urges, wrecked relationships, self-loathing... It's not "cool or emo or fun." It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Bipolar disorder rips your life apart and shoves it up your ass. There is nothing subtle about it.

There are days when I am so full of rage over nothing I can barely see straight...
There are other days that I could just sit and have a soul-wrenching cry over nothing...
See a pattern...
Nothing brings it out...
Nothing sets it off...
It is just there all day everyday and I have learned that no matter how much I try to avoid it, it will still come up and slap me in the face when I least expect it...
The emotional see-saw is disheartening to live with...
The racing mind is awful because I can't always "grab" the thought I am looking for...
I talk at about 100 mph and skip words because I am trying to get it all out in one sentence...
I sleep maybe 4 hours a night...
I write a lot...
Writing makes me slow down and get it all out in a coherent format that others can understand...
I hide my bipolar side from most people who come into contact with me...
It isn't something I share with people in my real life...
It isn't their business and since I have had this for so long, I have learned who I can and can't trust....
I never really know who is going to pass judgement so I keep it to myself...
Up until now...
Now of course you all know...
The mask is off...
Now you can see my other side...
I am still going to continue on this journey because I know there are others out there who know exactly what I am talking about....
They know exactly how I am feeling...
They know the feeling of losing your complete mind and scared to death you won't come back from it...
They know the feeling of judgement and scorn and embarrassment and shame...
Yes shame...
I am ashamed of the things I have done in the past and I am also my own worst enemy....
I haven't forgiven myself and I am honestly not sure that I ever will...
They walk with their heads down...
Never quite looking you in the eye...
In a manic episode you think they are higher then a kite (and some may be)...
In a depressive episode, they may turn to suicide because you truly feel like no one understands and if you are lucky the in-between stage can be a beautiful place for them...
They can almost see, feel and breathe again...
It may be for a short time, it may be for a long time but they almost feel normal again...
The mask is almost always in place though it may slip every now and then....
They are human who didn't ask for a mental illness...
They were probably born like that, never knew about it for so long and then somewhere along the walk of life, something happened to them and they had to change in order to survive...
They don't deserve to be mistreated or be made fun of or even ignored...
They are survivors from all walks of life...
I am a they.


STAIND
What Would You Do, If It Was You
Would You Take Everything
For Granted Like You Do