*Bad Words within the post*
Fear is defined as:
A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension.
Paranoia is defined as:
A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason.
Extreme, irrational distrust of others.
Delusion is defined as:
Psychiatry: A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness.
I have learned fear goes along with bipolar...
Not just normal everyday fear...
Fear to the extreme...
Fear that can take your breath away and send you running under the covers...
Fear of losing your mind...
Fear of people finding out your secret...
Fear of gravely doing harm to yourself or others...
Fear of being hospitalized...
Fear of never recovering...
This bout of shit I have been going through the last few weeks has taught me a couple of things...
There is no recovery...
No matter how much I try to convince myself, I will never be healed...
I can take medication to help but never to heal...
This time I have 2 new things going on that I never noticed before...
Paranoia and Delusions...
Someone very close to me has been the subject of my shit...
He has taken the brunt of crap I have been dishing out and now that I am coming down (so to speak), I feel horrible...
My husband...
The person I trust more then anyone in the world - No matter what...
The person who has stood by me for the last 19 years...
The one I can always go to has now become the object of my scorn and hatefulness...
Nothing he does makes me think any different...
For the last few weeks I have accused him of some awful things with no merit on his part...
Yes in the 19 years we have been married, we have had our problems (who doesn't) however he has never done anything to deserve the shit I have thrown his way so for that I am truly sorry.
Yesterday was a good day (which in turn makes me think I am good) and today I got up in a good mood...
Going along getting the boys off to school and like a freight train it hits me...
It starts in my stomach....
A sick feeling in the pit...
My heart feels so very heavy and then I can feel the rage building...
That is something I try extremely hard to control...
I want to lash out...
I want to hit something or someone...
I need to hurt someone as much as I hurt...
I need someone to feel the unbearable pain I feel each and every single minute of each and every single day of my pathetic life...I need someone to have that weight crush them just as it crushes me...
I want to get in my car and just leave before the rage takes over...
I have had to control this for a very long time and it scares me...
The extent of what I am capable of blows my mind...
I don't spank either of our kids due to the fact that I know in my heart and in my head I won't stop...
Once I reach that point it is all lost and someone will get hurt. (Another reason for the cutting)
Anyway...
The rage isn't new however it usually has to be provoked (I say usually and I mean about 99.9999% of the time)...
I have never had it come out of the blue like that and it scared the shit out of me and then I knew...
This morning I knew I would never be whole again...
I will forever have a shattered mind that has to be held together with a medication band-aid...
I will forever have these thoughts that can be suppressed with mind-altering drugs but they will never go away...
I will forever have bouts of rage, sadness, panic, anxiety, fear, happiness and calm...
I will never be a normal happy girl like I pray for each night...
I will never be a perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister etc...
I will never be able to please everybody...
The racing thoughts will always be there and while I do not have to like it I think it is finally time I accept it...
I will forever have bipolar and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change that...
It is almost time for healing to begin...
THREE DOORS DOWN
But What You Thought Was Real In Life
Oh, It Somehow Steered You Wrong
And Now You Just Keep Trying & Trying To Find Out Where You Belong
And I Know You Feel Helpless Now, & I Know You Feel, Hold On
That’s The Same Road, The Same Road That I’m On
Oh Serenity, I wish there were a permanent bandaid for you. To realize that it is just time to accept it and let the healing begin is powerful and also enpowering. Now you know what you need to do and a new journey begins.
ReplyDeleteLet the healing begin! However, there is one thing you have to understand. Nobody is perfect, each one of us has our own different flaws and/or problems. Mine are not the same as yours but I do have them. I just want you to know you are not alone in this, please remember that!
ReplyDeleteNone of us are perfect, and we all love you no matter what! There might technically not be healing, but there is a Healer that can do anything. ♥
ReplyDeleteSerenity, if I could take some of your burden I would. But this is yours to carry. We can't understand what you're going through and how you feel. We'll try to support you, but you need to walk this path. If I have any advice it's to enjoy the good as much as possible. You know the bad is just around the corner, but until it hits, smile as much as you can!
ReplyDeletei so freaking understand!
ReplyDeleteanxiety attacks are the most horrid experience i have ever had. no words for them.
fear of self is the biggest issue. fear of what we do, feel, say, live!!!
what meds? how long on them? are they the right ones? counseling? mental health case worker? safe place to regroup?
i know, been there--doing that! Hard to explain to those who are not. Write me ANYTIME. I understand.
you do know that this:
ReplyDelete"I will never be a normal happy girl like I pray for each night..."
and these:
"I will never be a perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister etc..."
"I will never be able to please everybody..."
don't really belong grouped together, right?
it's kinda like that "which one of these doesn't belong?" on sesame street.
ok... so i'm not so sure about the "normal" thing cuz i have no idea what THAT is! but... you can be happy WITHOUT being PERFECT! because NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE can EVER please everybody! it's simply an **impossibility**!
you are sooooo hard on yourself. i know it's difficult to slow things down in your brain when you're caught up in the moment, but if you are at all able, try to take that moment to remember this!
p.s. i thought there were supposed to be bad words in this post! didn't see ANY!
personally, i prescribe you an entire post of F bombs! no one will be offended, i can promise you that. if it makes you feel better to use the words you really FEEL then use them! i know it helps me!!
watch:
fuck fuck fuck!!!
see i feel a little better! :)
i love ya!
and thanks for another beautiful award!!!
Thank you for thinking of me in regards to the award Serenity. I can't imagine what you must go through. Hang on to the good stuff: husband and kids. :o)
ReplyDeleteI think blogging can be a good way to vent off a little of the bad that builds up. I used to have a private blog I did that with.
ReplyDeleteAaaand here comes the kids and the end of my quiet time.
The same way my daughter has Epilepsy and takes medications to control the seizures or a Diabetic takes insulin to control blood sugars. There is no perfect person, Serenity. Only One, and He loves you so incredibly much JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. I am praying for you my BF. I know you have a huge burden to bear, but you are never alone. We are meanest to the ones we love the most, because we know they will come back.
ReplyDelete