As you know I chose a turtle for my higher power when I was in rehab...
I was raging mad at God for allowing me to fall so low and I figured since I couldn't pray to Him I would pray to a turtle...
Not any turtle in particular...
We just had to pick something and that is what came to mind at the time...
Since then, I have noticed that when I am at a very low point in my life no matter where I am living, a live turtle will cross my path...
When my cat of 14 years died and I was so sad, a turtle appeared out of nowhere and came to rest in my line of sight and that was the first time I felt at peace with her death...
When hubby and I fought and fought about the ex and he took off for a few days to clear his head, I was sitting outside and from out of the shrubs came a turtle...I knew everything would be ok...
When my anxiety was once at an all time high, I was driving and had to slow for a turtle to cross my path...I had the time to calm down and think more clearly....
These past few weeks have been awful for me...
My inner peace is completely gone...
I am becoming more irrational as the days pass...
Paranoia and delusions are settling where peace and calm used to reside...
I have a Dr.s appt. in 16 days (or sooner if there is a cancellation) and it couldn't come soon enough...I am changing my mind about being off my meds and want to seriously talk to her about that...
Anyway...The past few weeks I can feel something building up...
The pressure is enough to take my breath away...
I am constantly feeling like I am choking and on the verge of tears...
I barely eat...
I hardly sleep...
I am constantly on edge and my family is paying for it...
The urge to cut is becoming more and more of an option...
I seriously feel like I am losing my mind and that others are actually trying to push me over the edge....
I feel like my family members are in cahoots with one another and they have made a pact to see which one is going to win...
Which one of them is going to shatter my mind into a million unrepairable pieces....
This isn't a game...This is my sanity that I can feel slipping out of my hands like sand on a beach...
I stood outside today, looked over the balcony and below me in the parking lot sat a turtle.
Is this His way of telling me I am going to be ok?
That I am going to win this battle?
That is the way I am trying to look at it...
I have begged and pleaded and raged at Him to please send me a sign...Please show me I am not going to lose my mind...I may be on the brink of it however I don't want to go any further then I am...
I can barely swallow writing this...I am actually going to admit to you that I think I may need help after all. You truly don't know how horrible it makes me feel to say that.
BLUE OCTOBER
I’ll Be As Honest As I Feel
I’m Getting More Paranoid And I’m Hearing Things
And They Never Turn Out Real
It Feels Like My Heart Is Made Of Pure Steel
It’s Just So Heavy All The Time
Maybe the turtles are God's way of saying if you choose Him or not in the past, He was there before, He's still there, He'll always be there, even in the form of a turtle! I'm praying for you sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteThere's no shame in needing help. Is it shameful for a diabetic to take insulin? Or someone with epilepsy to take anticonvulsants? Or someone with cancer to go through chemo? Of course not.
ReplyDeleteBipolar disorder is an ILLNESS, not a character flaw, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you can't control the illness under your own power.
In fact, we can do ALL things through Christ - and sometimes He uses medicine - but we can't do ANYTHING on our own. God never meant us to.
I definitely believe that your turtle is God's way of telling you it will be oK. It is a reminder for you to slow down, breathe, stop whatever you're doing or something. In those books I mentioned? I think they talked about how an animal can be your soul's totem... the turtle seems to be it for you.
ReplyDeleteCan you take a "break" from your family until you see the Dr? Except the the one you work with... you can't help that but can you retreat from them just until your sure you're not going to lose your mind?
I feel for you, I really do. I so want to be there with you to hold your hand in person. Since that is not possible... I will be sending you the strongest positive vibes I possibly can! ((HUGS HUGS))
I think Beyond said what I have been struggling to come up with when I try to tell you that taking meds or asking for help doesn't make you weak. It is an illness... not a character flaw. Bingo. Right on the nose.
ReplyDeleteTheres something JUST for you on my blog...
ReplyDeleteI am huggign you now! I KNOW you are having some trials right now but I do beleive that turtle is your sign from God that YOU WILL be OK! As I have said before it takes time...HIS time. I am praying that the family situation will subside until at least you get to visit your doctor. Meds or no meds I still ♥ ya!
ReplyDelete...how Great is God that he took your idea of praying to a turtle...and is using a turtle to show you that He is here. I would definitely take it as a sign from God.
ReplyDeleteWe're here for you...several of us. Come vent here...all you want. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. I know, it must be difficult....but it shows that you are in control! :)
(BIG BIG BIG Hugs) hang in there girl. You are strong!
I too am thinking of you and praying for you. God works in mysterious ways. He knows EXACLY what we need, when we need it. Even when we dont know what or how to pray, He sends His spirit to interceed on our behalf.
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:26 NIV
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
He loves you sooo much my BF and so do I.
i'm way late getting to this post. i want to tell you all the things that people say, "it's going to be ok", "just hang in there", etc. but those things are no good, i know.
ReplyDeletethere is nothing at all wrong with asking for help. it is, in fact, admirable. and it means maybe you're not so crazy as you think, cuz you still know what the heck's going on! am i right?!
i know i don't "know" you, but you know by now how this bloggy thing works - we all stick together and lift one another up. so you just keep coming back here, write, and read all the encouragement that you have here.
i'm thinking of you and praying for you. {hugs}
Serenity,
ReplyDeleteMade God wash over you and bring you peace. Seek Him. He promises to be found.
I'm praying for you.
Jellybean