"Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."
Matthew 26:41 (ESV)
I know it has been over three months and for the few of you who are still here... Hello :) Still in school and once again back in the Ministerial Institute, along with work and life, I am a bit busy. I miss writing and I miss my peeps... Yes I said peeps, do not judge.
I could not get a single picture to load here, therefore I think this may be my first post without pictures. It is almost 1am here and while I should be sleeping, I have to get something off of my chest first, y'all know how I am.
My ex left in '09 and for those of you keeping track, I have had not a single date since. I have not been really "looking" either, figuring if it was something He wanted me to have, it would fall in my lap, cause I am blond and that is the way I see things sometimes. Most men I meet run when they hear minister, therefore I am getting used to it. However, a friend of mine and I decided to try the internet dating scene... First on a well known Christian site ~ Side note... If you say you are a Christian, why would you be offended if I ask what Church you go to? That site did not work out therefore we found another one to check out. I liked this one, and the men seemed "normal" as opposed to not so normal.
It is hard to "judge" by the internet because you are able to become whatever you want and meeting in person can be scary, due to the fact that you never know if the person is a potential serial killer. This is where I met him, and he did not run. He knew I was a minister and he also knew upfront he would never be first, He was.
Now if you go back through my blog, somewhere I posted my idea of a "perfect" man. Bald, goatee, tattoos, muscles, tall, and he has to smell good. He had it all, other than the fact that I did not get a chance to smell him. I was stunned, he was stunning, therefore I tried to justify my thoughts with what I saw as his "perfection."
Let me go back a few months. I read this trilogy that is/was extremely popular. I know, I know, not exactly "minister" reading, but when I laid the series down, I wanted my own "Christian Gray." If you have read the series you know exactly what I am referring to. The story underneath the fluff was beautiful, just the kind of man I wanted. One who was strong in what they believed, compassionate towards other people, monogamous, and passionate when it needed to count. One who did not cheat and one who did not set out to destroy others, in the pursuit of their own happiness.
Back to him... We talked back and forth via the internet for a few days when it dawned on me that he was just like "Christian Gray." See that passage I posted at the top? "flesh is weak" is an understatement. I wanted what I wanted and I was ready to throw the past three years away, just to get what I desired. He was the desire and I am telling y'all I about lost my mind with weak flesh. I wanted nothing more than to jump in the car and have a face to face.
The pull of my flesh, versus the pull of my spirit was tearing me in two. Now a year ago, I would most likely have done it without a second thought, however my spirit is stronger now, than it was then. I tell you this for two reasons, one ~ no one is perfect. I have an idealization as to what a minister should look like, talk like, act like etc... The past couple weeks have shown me that while you can look at me on Sundays (or whenever I am with my Church) and know that I am a minister, I still struggle inside daily. There were things inside that I thought were dead and buried... With a stroke of his keyboard, he woke what I thought was lost.
The second reason I am writing this is to remind you that if you are being tempted, He will provide an out for you. 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." Did I want the out? Not by a long shot, but I was also in some serious darkness that I was no longer comfortable wearing.
I am human and because He made me, I also crave other humans at times. Usually I am good on my own, barely speaking to people for most of the day, but this man... Showed me that the "desire for another" was still there. Was he perfect? No, none of us are. He may have been what I perceived as ideal, but was he ideal for me? Was he sent from Him? And the all important question ~ Would he dance in the rain with me? Only time will tell.
I had to take my out. I had to step back and away from him before I did something I would regret. Temptation is a very powerful thing and when temptation comes, it does not come in blaring like a loud trumpet, I find it comes in softly, like a gentle breeze. I woke up this morning angry... At myself for not "seeing" as I should have and for trying to force the hand of God in my life, at my ex for putting me in a position to start all over again, and at the enemy for dancing around the shadows of my life just for kicks and grins.
When you face trials and tribulations I think it is natural to "ice" the areas where you are vulnerable. Your heart, your trust, your openness, your love. You do not want to be hurt again, therefore you block those areas from seeing light. Fear keeps you bound in those chains. However, I do not want to live a life of fear. I do not want to wear a cloak of darkness. I want joy and sunshine and light. I want to trust and be open, to love and to share my heart. However, it has to be on His terms.
Everyone falters, everyone falls, and everyone fails, at some point in their life. The question is how do you respond to it? I write and now that I have put it down, I feel better about the situation. You never can know what the Lord has in store for you, and this is a lesson that He is teaching me.
God bless you!
MATTHEW WEST
I Am No Longer Defined
By All The Wreckage Behind
The One Who Makes All Things New
Has Proven It's True, Take A Look Ay Like
