To whoever sent this to me....Thank you!
Turn off the music below before listening.
3/20/09
3/19/09
My Thoughts
I have seen some different things today on different blogs but 1 stands out - A lot...
I saw this at: http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
I get the crushed in spirit part...The close part is what I have a hard time with...I used to go to church every Sunday...I have been baptized but somewhere along the way I stopped...I won't say stopped believing because I could never fully grasp that this is it...This life is all we have and the mere thought of dying can bring on a panic attack so I don't dwell there.
I have a spiritual war raging inside of me...
That is the only way I know how to explain it and I just came to that realization this morning.
I was driving into work and I saw a huge cross on a church in town..It was beautiful and I was drawn to the church...Did I go in? No...
I wanted to so desperately....However personally I feel that people like me have no business in a church...For whatever reason I have come to the conclusion that I am not "good" enough for God to show me he is there...I feel that because of my past I won't be welcome back...
I never stopped praying however somewhere along the way, the door shut and I don't know how to open it again. It makes me all kinds of sad that I feel this way and I can't pinpoint when it happened only that as the years have gone on, it has just been enhanced.
I actually feel like I am living in a movie and watching from the sidelines...I have a soundtrack playing and there are bit players in the movie however there is me as the "star" and I suck at this....
I said to a BF this morning that there were 2 "people" in my mind fighting to get out....One is the me people see everyday - The meek one...The one who barely speaks...The one who is walked on by others and the other me is the one you all see...The one pissed off at the world...The one who has no qualms speaking her mind...
I want so desperately to become "one" person again however I am having a very hard time forgiving myself...I have a hard time forgiving people who I feel have wronged me...
I want to be happy...
I want to smile...
I don't want any more fear or panic....
I don't want anymore excessive worries...
I want to know that I am good enough...(Just writing that makes my heart break)
I tell my hubby (I will share more about him later) I just want to be "normal"...He says who is to say I am not normal?...Maybe not a normal you are all used to however this is something I have lived with for 20 years and it is just now finally starting to come out...I know this is all over the place however as some have stated this is my blog and I can write what and how I want...
MICHAEL W. SMITH
Sometimes I Wonder If My Beating Heart Has A Reason
The Thought Of Breathing Only Takes My Breath Away
I've Spent So Many Nights Wrestling With This Feeling
Do I Have The Strength To Make It Through The Day
I saw this at: http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
I get the crushed in spirit part...The close part is what I have a hard time with...I used to go to church every Sunday...I have been baptized but somewhere along the way I stopped...I won't say stopped believing because I could never fully grasp that this is it...This life is all we have and the mere thought of dying can bring on a panic attack so I don't dwell there.
I have a spiritual war raging inside of me...
That is the only way I know how to explain it and I just came to that realization this morning.
I was driving into work and I saw a huge cross on a church in town..It was beautiful and I was drawn to the church...Did I go in? No...
I wanted to so desperately....However personally I feel that people like me have no business in a church...For whatever reason I have come to the conclusion that I am not "good" enough for God to show me he is there...I feel that because of my past I won't be welcome back...
I never stopped praying however somewhere along the way, the door shut and I don't know how to open it again. It makes me all kinds of sad that I feel this way and I can't pinpoint when it happened only that as the years have gone on, it has just been enhanced.
I actually feel like I am living in a movie and watching from the sidelines...I have a soundtrack playing and there are bit players in the movie however there is me as the "star" and I suck at this....
I said to a BF this morning that there were 2 "people" in my mind fighting to get out....One is the me people see everyday - The meek one...The one who barely speaks...The one who is walked on by others and the other me is the one you all see...The one pissed off at the world...The one who has no qualms speaking her mind...
I want so desperately to become "one" person again however I am having a very hard time forgiving myself...I have a hard time forgiving people who I feel have wronged me...
I want to be happy...
I want to smile...
I don't want any more fear or panic....
I don't want anymore excessive worries...
I want to know that I am good enough...(Just writing that makes my heart break)
I tell my hubby (I will share more about him later) I just want to be "normal"...He says who is to say I am not normal?...Maybe not a normal you are all used to however this is something I have lived with for 20 years and it is just now finally starting to come out...I know this is all over the place however as some have stated this is my blog and I can write what and how I want...
MICHAEL W. SMITH
Sometimes I Wonder If My Beating Heart Has A Reason
The Thought Of Breathing Only Takes My Breath Away
I've Spent So Many Nights Wrestling With This Feeling
Do I Have The Strength To Make It Through The Day
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