I saw this at: http://themcclenahans.blogspot.com/
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
I get the crushed in spirit part...The close part is what I have a hard time with...I used to go to church every Sunday...I have been baptized but somewhere along the way I stopped...I won't say stopped believing because I could never fully grasp that this is it...This life is all we have and the mere thought of dying can bring on a panic attack so I don't dwell there.
I have a spiritual war raging inside of me...
That is the only way I know how to explain it and I just came to that realization this morning.
I was driving into work and I saw a huge cross on a church in town..It was beautiful and I was drawn to the church...Did I go in? No...
I wanted to so desperately....However personally I feel that people like me have no business in a church...For whatever reason I have come to the conclusion that I am not "good" enough for God to show me he is there...I feel that because of my past I won't be welcome back...
I never stopped praying however somewhere along the way, the door shut and I don't know how to open it again. It makes me all kinds of sad that I feel this way and I can't pinpoint when it happened only that as the years have gone on, it has just been enhanced.
I actually feel like I am living in a movie and watching from the sidelines...I have a soundtrack playing and there are bit players in the movie however there is me as the "star" and I suck at this....
I said to a BF this morning that there were 2 "people" in my mind fighting to get out....One is the me people see everyday - The meek one...The one who barely speaks...The one who is walked on by others and the other me is the one you all see...The one pissed off at the world...The one who has no qualms speaking her mind...
I want so desperately to become "one" person again however I am having a very hard time forgiving myself...I have a hard time forgiving people who I feel have wronged me...
I want to be happy...
I want to smile...
I don't want any more fear or panic....
I don't want anymore excessive worries...
I want to know that I am good enough...(Just writing that makes my heart break)
I tell my hubby (I will share more about him later) I just want to be "normal"...He says who is to say I am not normal?...Maybe not a normal you are all used to however this is something I have lived with for 20 years and it is just now finally starting to come out...I know this is all over the place however as some have stated this is my blog and I can write what and how I want...
MICHAEL W. SMITH
Sometimes I Wonder If My Beating Heart Has A Reason
The Thought Of Breathing Only Takes My Breath Away
I've Spent So Many Nights Wrestling With This Feeling
Do I Have The Strength To Make It Through The Day
oh sweet Serenity. The beauty of Church is that none of us deserve to be there!
ReplyDeleteThere isn't a single person sitting in any sanctuary anywhere who wasn't once black and filthy with sin. There isn't a single person there who wasn't once swooped up out of death and destruction by the grace of God.
Sometimes they pretend differently. But they're lying.
I can help you find a good church in your area if you want (I have tons of resources). God made us to be social people, and He set up His church to be a BODY. We are meant for fellowship. Let me know if I can help, and how I can pray for you.
The thing I'm learning lately is that sometimes it is ok that we don't feel God - because once we humble ourselves and surrender, it makes us crave Him even more.
I have a few songs for you to add to your playlist - Never Alone, I Need You to Love Me, and I Believe in Love all by Barlow Girl. Who Am I, Prodigal, and East to West by Casting Crowns. Whatever You're Doing and I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real. To Know That You're Alive by Kutless. Seriously.
What is the definition of "normal"?
ReplyDeleteYou are good enough. I resisted God for the longest time for similar reasons... it was only 10 years ago I was shocked into realizing how real he was in my life. It's not Him who doesn't forgive you. It's YOU that doesn't forgive you. And about forgiving others for what the have done to you... you don't have to forgive them FOR them. Do it for you. For your inner peace. So you can let it go. The way I think is that all these hardships I've had in my life happened for a reason-- to learn something. And when I go to the Other Side, I can tell God all about what I learned when I went through this crap or another. It is kind of like wanting to please your teacher in school by getting all the right answers.
I don't go to church. I used to beat myself up over it, but I got to wondering. WHY do people think the only time you can be close to God is when you're in church? God is supposed to be right with you, no matter where you are. The other 2 reasons why I don't go to church is because most churches do not provide an interpreter on request. Costs too much money, so I feel rejected for my deafness. And there ARE churches for deaf people, but the ones I've found does not correspond with my personal beliefs, so again, I feel rejected. And I realized that it is not God who is rejecting me, but the PEOPLE in those institutions. So I have let it go and I continue to have a relationship with God regardless, and I get the feeling he doesn't mind one bit.
Serenity, you are good enough for God! I hate that you feel that way. I know your past is what is holding you back but you have to confess to Him all of your sins and does & Will forgive you. I know its easier said (typed) than done. That feeling just doesnt go away either...it's something that goes with in time. I am praying that you will see you are worth everything to God and HE knows what you are going through and He is here for you. I am here for you girl!
ReplyDelete~Hugs~
I just want to say that going to church doesn't mean God doesn't hear you. Church is just a way to fellowship and learn with other Christians. You can do the same thing at home, if that is what makes you comfortable. I also just wanted to say taht God never ever gives up no matter what you think you've done bad enough to turn him away. He's right there...waiting patiently like no one before or after him. He's waiting for us to give up and LET HIM. See, the hard thing for ME to remember, and I'm sure many others, is that HE has the controls. Its when I try to take over the controls that I have issues. I try to control what happens and I stop listening to His plan for me. Its only human nature. But no matter what, He loves you. He hears you. He knows every hair on your body & every thought in your head.
ReplyDeleteThis is asong by Point of Grace:
Jesus Doesn't Care:
You tell me no one would love you
If they could see deep inside
You say your friends might desert you
If they knew the truth you hide, well
There's one who knows you better than
You know yourself
And he still loves you more than anyone else
(chorus)
Jesus doesn't care what you've done before
How you've rebelled or slammed the door
No matter how far you've run or how long you've been untrue
Jesus doesn't care He still offers forgiveness to you
For so long you've run from the father
Into a life of sin
And each time he lovingly called you
You turned your back on him
No matter if your failures are great or small
There's no way to hide them
He already knows them all
(repeat chorus)
How many tears will you cry
Till you cry out to the father
An honest plea for mercy he will not deny
Trust him and you're gonna find
The Chorus of that song was jumped out at me while reading this blog. When you're ready...He'll be waiting. :)
((HUGS))
Jenn
I understand not feeling good enough. I struggle with that, too. Here's truth, though, Serenity. Nobody is "good enough". But, the Bible says that "while we were sinners, Christ died for us". We will never be good enough. It is ONLY by Christ's blood that we are able to enter into relationship with our Creator, God.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't give up on churches, just yet. While many Christians fail to really respresent the Christ they follow, it is only because we are all weak and fleshly. I believe God has a church for you that will welcome you with open arms. I will pray He draws you to it.
ME