David & Goliath

"The Bows Of The Warriors Are Broken, But Those That Stumble Are Armed With Strength."

1 Samuel 2:4

I had a homework assignment to do, given to me by my big brother....

Make a list of what I have learned this past year...

I got stuck on number 3 lol...

I received some help from him and was able to actually see how others view me in their eyes...

It took me almost 2 hours to write out 21 things I have learned....

I kept coming back to the story of David & Goliath throughout the process...

As the story goes, David volunteered to fight the Giant...

All he carried was his Sheppard's' staff, a slingshot and a pouch of stones.

The Giant came against David with sword, spear and javelin....

David came against the Giant in the name of the Lord...

One stone was shot to bring the Giant down, David then took the Giants' sword, killed him, then cut his head off.

To all, the Giant seemed invincible...

So how does that parlay into my homework?

I woke up early this morning, sat outside drinking my coffee, watching the sun continue its rise, when a voice inside me spoke...

You see all along I thought everything being put on my plate was the "Giant" and I was "David" yet I couldn't figure out how to defeat the "Giant"...

The voice within me this morning informed me that the situation wasn't the Giant...

"You are David" I heard the voice say....

"You are also the Giant" was the next thing I heard...

G tells me my mind is my own worst enemy and today I realized...

My mind, my thoughts, the way I react - That is the "Giant"...

In order to defeat the "Giant", I have to conquer my own fears, my own doubts, my own worries and realize that I can only accept me for who I am...

I have to accept my past, forgive myself and move forward....

Until I can do that, I will never be able to defeat my own "Giant".

The David in me will defeat the Goliath in me.


CASTING CROWNS
But The Giant's Calling Out
My Name And He Laughs At Me
Reminding Me Of All The Times
I've Tried Before And Failed
The Giant Keeps On Telling Me
Time And Time Again
"Boy You'll Never Win,
You'll Never Win."

Can You Draw That Fine Line...

Around Sanity?

"Get Rid Of All Bitterness, Rage And Anger, Brawling And Slander, Along With Every Form Of Malice. Be Kind And Compassionate To One Another, Forgiving Each Other, Just As In Christ God Forgave You."
Ephesians 4: 31-32

"Imagine A Thousand More Such Daily Intrusions In Your Life, Every Hour And Minute Of Every Day, And You Can Grasp The Source Of This Paranoia, This Anger That Could Consume Me At Any Moment If I Lost Control."
Jack Henry Abbott

"When You Hold Resentment Toward Another, You Are Bound To That Person Or Condition By An Emotional Link That Is Stronger Then Steel. Forgiveness Is The Only Way To Dissolve That Link And Get Free."
Catherine Ponder

During this season of Lent, I have had the time to take a walk through self-reflectiveness and the truth is I am not happy with what I have learned.

I have boxed off the anger for fear it will consume me however it is making its' way out through my daily life.

Anger is the leading factor in my self-destruction, my self-injury and my lack of self-respect.

I try to live as He wants me to live and I fall short each and every day.

I then wallow in guilt because I didn't do my best as perceived by me.

I am surrounded by anger and paranoia almost every minute of every day.

Satan's tools are Anger...Paranoia...Lies...Doubt...Fear...Pride...Worry...Etc...

There are more tools naturally however I don't have the inclination to type them all here...

Gods' tools are Love...Forgiveness...Compassion...Hope...Faith...Honesty...Etc...

He also has many more tools in His arsenal...

As a woman of God, I shouldn't question Him at all...

Seriously who am I to question anyone?

Yet I do, all the time, every single minute of each and every day...

I ask "Why" a lot...

I have walked through fire within my journey of life...

Some self-inflicted, some others inflicted...

Still I rose...

No matter what life threw at me, I still came out of the flames intact...

Scarred, broken, defeated, yes, however I never gave up.

Now my journey has taken me a place I never wanted to be...

My Faith has been shaken more times then I care to count...

My anger is all over the place and it is directed at an awful lot of people...

I am mad at God...

There I laid voice to it...

I am mad at Him for calling me to this journey...

I was perfectly content with my life before the affair...

Maybe not thrilled and ecstatic however content is a good thing!

I understand He wants me to draw closer to Him, however how do you draw closer to the One you are most angry with?

Don't get me wrong, I still hit my knees every morning and every night and I have conversations with Him most of the day in my head, however on most days I feel so lost and so alone...

Where is the Holy Spirit my Pastor is always speaking of and why can't I feel Him?

Bi-polar, drug addiction, rape, running away, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, suicidal attempts, friends lost to death and time...

I have been able to come through all of that yet the destruction of my marriage has put me flat on my back...

Curled up in a fetal position, wishing time would just stand still for a minute so I am able to catch my breath.

However it doesn't...

Each day brings a new sunrise, a new set of blessings, His Mercy and all I still see is what has been lost.

I feel anger, sadness and some hate...

Feelings I don't like having towards another human being, most especially the man I have spent the last 21 years with, the father of our boys, the one person I always thought I could count on.

To see him or to hear his voice conjures up images that no one should ever have...

His actions, his betrayal had some serious consequences that I would like to think he never even thought about.

In his quest for "life" he ran over everyone in his path...

Not just me and our kids...

He cut ties with anyone who ever loved him...

I have managed to keep my relationships with my in-laws in tact and I am thankful for that...

He chooses to lash out at anyone who dares to get close to him...

I have tried over and over to somehow get in to help him yet he closes that door each time I try to pry it open...

I tried again this past weekend and then realized, I can't anymore...

To him I am the Anti-Christ and nothing I can say or do will change that right now...

I am the bad guy yet he is the one who chose to decimate all we had...

Because of his actions, I don't have a home....

A place to call my own, a place where Tigger can have his stuff, his space...

Because of his actions, I still don't have a car...

I have to rely on other people and you know how I hate that...

Because of his actions, my credit has taken a beating and I couldn't get a stick of gum on credit now.

Did you see what I just did?

We call that blaming...

Of course I blame him however the difference is how I respond to that...

Sure I could drive over there and spray paint "adulterer" on his car...

Sure I could pack up the things he left behind and take them to his front yard and set everything on fire while walking away...

Sure I could start up a website complete with pictures of the 2 of them and post all over the web what cheating butt heads they are...

However I am neither vindictive nor hateful...

I am pretty sure I could get off on a temporary insanity plea though.

So what do I do?

I forgive...

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetfulness though...

I will never forget the scars I carry now due to someone else's selfishness...

I forgive because that is what He wants me to do...

I forgive by my Faith...

I have to trust God to do the work in me that needs to be done in order for the forgiveness to be complete.

Is it easy?

Not at all and He knows that - He states that in His book...

"Then Peter Came To Jesus And Asked, "Lord, How Many Times Should I Forgive My Brother When He Sins Against Me? Up To Seven Times?" Jesus Answered, "I Tell You, Not Seven Times, But Seventy Seven Times."Matthew 18:21-22

So each time the anger rises, I pause and ask Him to please have Mercy on me...

Please forgive me for the anger, for the hatred, the doubt, the fear, the paranoia, the worry etc...

In order to forgive I have to keep asking and believe me, some days I ask, what seems like a thousand times a day.

He knows when it is directed towards Him and He also knows why....

I have recently learned that it is ok and He forgives me for that as well.


SANCTUS REAL
My Mistakes Are Running Through My Mind
And I'll Relive My Days, In The Middle Of The Night
When I Struggle With My Pain, Wrestle With My Pride
Sometimes I Feel Alone, And I Cry

The Beauty Of A Broken Heart...

Is Your Truth

My guest blogger today is my friend SJB...I have spoken about him before under the initials CB...He challenged me on my previous post about Truth...I challenged him to guest post, so here is his version of truth....

"To Be Trusted Is A Greater Compliment Then To Be Loved."

George MacDonald

"All Truths Are Easy To Understand Once They Are Discovered; The Point Is To Discover Them."

Galileo Galilei

"Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts."

Daniel Patrick Moynihan

"We Know The Truth, Not Only By The Reason, But Also By The Heart."

Blaise Pascal

"I Love You, And Because I Love You, I Would Sooner Have You Hate Me For Telling You The Truth, Then Adore Me For Telling You Lies."

Pietro Aretino

"When In Doubt, Tell The Truth."

Mark Twain

Left Behind.

Truth.

I stand before you...

One betrayed person speaking to another.

Though you can not hear my voice speaking the words to you, I whisper them in your ears as you read the words I have written upon this electronic canvas.

As you know I was betrayed in July emotionally, in August physically...

I speak this, for it is the truth.

I am not ashamed of betrayal...

I am no less a person then those who have not experienced the gut-wrenching pain of betrayal.

Those whose hearts are not covered with deep wounds, whose depths remain uncharted...

Yet I heal and the scars have formed, they criss-cross across my heart.

But it still beats with passion, with love, with care, with hope, with strength, with determination, with courage, with purpose, with endurance, with innocence.

My heart beats strong.

My soul, mind, heart and spirit were not destroyed.

They were not taken from me by such a selfish and determined act of cruelty.

For my vows and my morals were the pillars that stood against the storm...

I retreated and weathered the storm.

This is the truth I speak to myself.

Today I ran.

A slow burn.

Pace so slow.

Distance far.

My body fought me the first 20 minutes to quicken the pace...

To speed it up and get it done as quick as possible.

But today's goal was not to burn quickly, however to remain constant...

Savoring the moment as I savor a beautiful glass of Melbac on a cold Winter night.

Fighting every fiber in my body, I forced myself to remain calm...

To move at a steady, slow pace.

Forever keeping my feet at a slow, yet determined fluid motion.

I savored the moment...

The weather - Cool, gray skies, winds coming in from the North.

All gifts to keep me cool...

The silence, the woods - Still masked within the dusk of Winter...

Yet everywhere I could hear the sounds of birds, building their nests , preparing for dawn.

I kept the pace.

At the 25th minute, the calm overtook me.

I accepted where I was, how far I had come and where I was going.

New dreams and new hopes.

The truth of the moment appeared before me.

I thought of previous blizzards...

When the white snow is falling hard and the wind whips all before it...

Those moments when time stops.

When you can actually experience a moment in time...

As it all pauses...

The silence, the beauty of a moment...

Only can this be experienced at night...

Driving in a car, a moment when one is alone - You witness everything stop...

Then you drive through the moment, awaiting another one, a moment of truth.

I continued to run...

Pace so slow, distance far, my energy - Boundless...

I knew at that moment, that this would be one of the most beautiful runs I have experienced.

I thought of myself...

I thought of all the lies that tried to destroy me...

I thought of truth...

Not truth of the story...

Not truth to cut through the lies...

But the truth - My truth.

And I ran.

35 minutes now.

The river was now to my right, the currents full of Winters' thaw, running fast in the opposite direction...

Yet here I was, safe upon the land, on a trail that kept danger at bay...

My pace - Slow and steady...

One foot landing in front of the other...

No pounding heart...

All in sync - All as one.

A pure moment of truth...

My mind, body, spirit and soul were all as one...

Peace.

At the 45th minute, I decided it was time to speak the truth...

I am betrayed.

I am healing.

I am strong.

I am abound with inner strength.

I believe in myself.

I am a kind and caring person.

I am working everyday at improving myself.

I am hopeful about my future.

I am in control of my present.

I am at peace with my past.

I am at peace with that I can't control.

I am proud of my actions.

I am not afraid of my thoughts.

I am not afraid of my actions.

I am not afraid of speaking my thoughts.

I am not afraid of acting.

I speak the truth.

I speak openly when needed.

I listen when needed.

I listen, because what is said to me is important.

I listen, because I enjoy what you say to me.

I listen, because I wish to learn.

I will have a full and happy life.

I have grace.

I have strength of character.

I smile with my eyes.

I have self-worth.

I believe in myself.

I have endurance.

I have persistence.

I have a purpose.

I have strength.

I have determination.

I have courage.

I have clarity.

For I am truthful to myself.

I know now that I will fall in love again, because I know that I can love again.

I know now that I will love again, because I know that I can trust again.

I know now that I can trust again, because I was granted the gift of unconditional love.

I kept running, out of the woods and back into town.

I ran through downtown...

People were out walking their dogs...

Some were families, some were alone...

Neither made me happy, neither made me sad.

For there was a truth to this moment...

Each one was enjoying the moment, and that is what mattered.

My perception was truthful, for this was the only meaning of my moment.

I was alone.

I was happy.

I kept my pace.

You all were in my thoughts.

So I smiled and I kept the pace.

Slow...

Yet my energy was still boundless, so still I ran...

At the 80th minute, I finally saw another runner going in the opposite direction.

The first one today.

As we ran past each other our eyes locked, we smiled and shared the moment...

One runner to another, both running a slow pace....

Both enjoying the moment and the feeling of our bodies completely in tune with our goal.

A dream run.

I had it today.

For when I finished and started my stretching, I knew something magical had occurred.

I kept a pace...

I accepted that it was distance that mattered today.

Not the finishing time.

I was finished...

Fully and completely.

My life is now.

And I thought that this is a moment I want to share with all of you.

And I wanted to say the following words to you...

For I speak the truth...

These thoughts were about myself, though I could take your name and place it in there...

The truth would still be spoken...

Interchangeable...Equal...Respect...Truth.

So now I ask you to speak the truth to me.

To offer your thoughts and support...

For they are interchangeable...

For the winds will carry the words to those who need the strength today...

The whole world will be embraced by our unconditional love and respect for one another.

"You Can Bend It And Twist It...You Can Misuse It And Abuse It...But Even God Can Not Change The Truth."

Michael Levy

FINK
I Don't Know If You Notice Anything Missing
Like The Leaves On The Trees Or My Clothes On The Floor
And I Don't Know If You Even Notice At All
Cause I Was Real Quiet When I Closed The Door

A Thousand Faces

"This Is The Message We Have Heard From Him And Declare To You: God Is Light; In Him There Is No Darkness At All. If We Claim To Have Fellowship With Him Yet Walk In The Darkness, We Lie And Do Not Live By The Truth. But If We Walk In The Light, As He Is The Light, We Have Fellowship With One Another, And The Blood Of Jesus, His Son, Purifies Us From All Sin. If We Claim To Be Without Sin, We Deceive Ourselves And The Truth Is Not In Us. If We Confess Our Sins, He Is Faithful And Just And Will Forgive Us Our Sins And Purify Us From All Unrighteousness."

1 John 1:5-9

"You Never Find Yourself Until You Face The Truth"

Pearl Bailey

I am used to wearing masks, it comes with the bi-polar territory...

I hide a lot due to the fact that I don't want to answer questions from others...

Over time I have conditioned myself to put a mask on the minute I get up, keep it on through out the day and only remove it when I am alone.

Is it fair? Of course not...

It isn't truthful to others nor to myself...

During this journey, I have removed some masks however there are still some in place...

They have been worn so long, I wonder if they have become a permanent part of my soul...

I hope that isn't the case...

A friend gave me the word Truth as the word of the day then challenged me to write about it...

I am assuming he meant my truth and not his...

Truth as I see it, pertaining to my walk...

Truth be told, I am still fearful...

I am still angry...

I am still questioning and I still feel like a lost little girl that nobody wants.

I still have more days then I like where I find myself fighting back the urge to cry....

The appeal of a mental breakdown seems like a better option at times...

In truth I cry out to Him more often the I ever have in my life, however in truth I am also able to go to the Altar and say "Thank You" more then ever before...

In truth I still ask "why?" however in truth I am also able to see the answer to that same question...

In truth I beg Him for Mercy an awful lot, however I also feel His calming presence within me almost all the time - Something that grows more each day...

In truth I am angry at what is on my plate, however in truth I am learning how to seek the silver lining in each circumstance...

In truth I am just a little bit jaded however in truth I also know others see innocence and in time I am hoping to turn the jadedness into a blessing...

I thought I had finished going through all the stages of grief...

I went through denial...

I went through bargaining...

I went through depression...

3 weeks ago I hit acceptance...

In truth I missed a stage - Anger and resentment...

I would rather skip this stage and just continue to move forward...

In truth I know I won't be able to fully move out of the darkness until I pass through all the stages and I for one am looking forward to finally being in the light.

MATTHEW WEST
I'm Gonna Be Strong
And I'm Gonna Be Brave
I'm Gonna Stand Proud
In The Illuminating Light Of Your Grace