Can You Draw That Fine Line...

Around Sanity?

"Get Rid Of All Bitterness, Rage And Anger, Brawling And Slander, Along With Every Form Of Malice. Be Kind And Compassionate To One Another, Forgiving Each Other, Just As In Christ God Forgave You."
Ephesians 4: 31-32

"Imagine A Thousand More Such Daily Intrusions In Your Life, Every Hour And Minute Of Every Day, And You Can Grasp The Source Of This Paranoia, This Anger That Could Consume Me At Any Moment If I Lost Control."
Jack Henry Abbott

"When You Hold Resentment Toward Another, You Are Bound To That Person Or Condition By An Emotional Link That Is Stronger Then Steel. Forgiveness Is The Only Way To Dissolve That Link And Get Free."
Catherine Ponder

During this season of Lent, I have had the time to take a walk through self-reflectiveness and the truth is I am not happy with what I have learned.

I have boxed off the anger for fear it will consume me however it is making its' way out through my daily life.

Anger is the leading factor in my self-destruction, my self-injury and my lack of self-respect.

I try to live as He wants me to live and I fall short each and every day.

I then wallow in guilt because I didn't do my best as perceived by me.

I am surrounded by anger and paranoia almost every minute of every day.

Satan's tools are Anger...Paranoia...Lies...Doubt...Fear...Pride...Worry...Etc...

There are more tools naturally however I don't have the inclination to type them all here...

Gods' tools are Love...Forgiveness...Compassion...Hope...Faith...Honesty...Etc...

He also has many more tools in His arsenal...

As a woman of God, I shouldn't question Him at all...

Seriously who am I to question anyone?

Yet I do, all the time, every single minute of each and every day...

I ask "Why" a lot...

I have walked through fire within my journey of life...

Some self-inflicted, some others inflicted...

Still I rose...

No matter what life threw at me, I still came out of the flames intact...

Scarred, broken, defeated, yes, however I never gave up.

Now my journey has taken me a place I never wanted to be...

My Faith has been shaken more times then I care to count...

My anger is all over the place and it is directed at an awful lot of people...

I am mad at God...

There I laid voice to it...

I am mad at Him for calling me to this journey...

I was perfectly content with my life before the affair...

Maybe not thrilled and ecstatic however content is a good thing!

I understand He wants me to draw closer to Him, however how do you draw closer to the One you are most angry with?

Don't get me wrong, I still hit my knees every morning and every night and I have conversations with Him most of the day in my head, however on most days I feel so lost and so alone...

Where is the Holy Spirit my Pastor is always speaking of and why can't I feel Him?

Bi-polar, drug addiction, rape, running away, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, suicidal attempts, friends lost to death and time...

I have been able to come through all of that yet the destruction of my marriage has put me flat on my back...

Curled up in a fetal position, wishing time would just stand still for a minute so I am able to catch my breath.

However it doesn't...

Each day brings a new sunrise, a new set of blessings, His Mercy and all I still see is what has been lost.

I feel anger, sadness and some hate...

Feelings I don't like having towards another human being, most especially the man I have spent the last 21 years with, the father of our boys, the one person I always thought I could count on.

To see him or to hear his voice conjures up images that no one should ever have...

His actions, his betrayal had some serious consequences that I would like to think he never even thought about.

In his quest for "life" he ran over everyone in his path...

Not just me and our kids...

He cut ties with anyone who ever loved him...

I have managed to keep my relationships with my in-laws in tact and I am thankful for that...

He chooses to lash out at anyone who dares to get close to him...

I have tried over and over to somehow get in to help him yet he closes that door each time I try to pry it open...

I tried again this past weekend and then realized, I can't anymore...

To him I am the Anti-Christ and nothing I can say or do will change that right now...

I am the bad guy yet he is the one who chose to decimate all we had...

Because of his actions, I don't have a home....

A place to call my own, a place where Tigger can have his stuff, his space...

Because of his actions, I still don't have a car...

I have to rely on other people and you know how I hate that...

Because of his actions, my credit has taken a beating and I couldn't get a stick of gum on credit now.

Did you see what I just did?

We call that blaming...

Of course I blame him however the difference is how I respond to that...

Sure I could drive over there and spray paint "adulterer" on his car...

Sure I could pack up the things he left behind and take them to his front yard and set everything on fire while walking away...

Sure I could start up a website complete with pictures of the 2 of them and post all over the web what cheating butt heads they are...

However I am neither vindictive nor hateful...

I am pretty sure I could get off on a temporary insanity plea though.

So what do I do?

I forgive...

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetfulness though...

I will never forget the scars I carry now due to someone else's selfishness...

I forgive because that is what He wants me to do...

I forgive by my Faith...

I have to trust God to do the work in me that needs to be done in order for the forgiveness to be complete.

Is it easy?

Not at all and He knows that - He states that in His book...

"Then Peter Came To Jesus And Asked, "Lord, How Many Times Should I Forgive My Brother When He Sins Against Me? Up To Seven Times?" Jesus Answered, "I Tell You, Not Seven Times, But Seventy Seven Times."Matthew 18:21-22

So each time the anger rises, I pause and ask Him to please have Mercy on me...

Please forgive me for the anger, for the hatred, the doubt, the fear, the paranoia, the worry etc...

In order to forgive I have to keep asking and believe me, some days I ask, what seems like a thousand times a day.

He knows when it is directed towards Him and He also knows why....

I have recently learned that it is ok and He forgives me for that as well.


SANCTUS REAL
My Mistakes Are Running Through My Mind
And I'll Relive My Days, In The Middle Of The Night
When I Struggle With My Pain, Wrestle With My Pride
Sometimes I Feel Alone, And I Cry