Fight or Flight

"For I Am The Lord, Your God, Who Takes Hold Of Your Right Hand And Says To You, Do Not Fear; I Will Help You."
Isaiah 41:13

Living life through a filter of possible danger is stressful.

What you perceive as danger and what I perceive as danger are two different things.

Each of us has our own thought process, our own fears, our own worries.

What triggers my "fight or flight" response may not even ruffle yours.

Once triggered, my "rational" mind ceases to exist.

Fear takes over and I can't survive or function in even the basic set of circumstances...

Making clear choices is no longer feasible because I am focused on short-term survival.

When I become overwhelmed with excessive stress, my life seems to take on a series of short-term emergencies.

I can't relax, live in the moment, nor enjoy anything around me.

It feels like I am living from crisis to crisis with no sign of stopping on the horizon.

One spiral after another, like something out of a nightmarish fun house, from which there is no escape.

Down and around, with no end in sight.

Inevitably, I will crash and burn, anyone who lives like this can't survive going on all cylinders 24/7.

The design of the fight or flight response, is just that....

Will you fight or will you flee?

It is there mainly to push you into survival mode when there is a physical threat to your well-being.

Your life is in danger, real danger , it kicks in.

However on a daily basis, toxic stress hormones are released into our bodies, setting off the fight or flight response.

Once the response is triggered, in order to turn it off, the threat must be eliminated, only then can your body and mind return to a calm state.

I learned this once I started getting panic attacks...

Because the first one scared me so bad, I learned all I could and set about avoiding anything that would set another one off.

I haven't had a really bad one in quite some time, however I have had quite a few in the last few months.

Anything or sometimes nothing at all can trigger it...

You could be at home, in the store, in Church, playing with your kids, driving, even sleeping...

It always starts with a tightness in my chest, a cold that sweeps over my entire body, my breath starts coming faster, my stomach is one big knot, throat closes up and panic kicks in...

Tears are next and breathing becomes shallower, I can't get air in fast enough...

Every fiber of your being is screaming at you to fight or flee, yet you can't, you stand, frozen in suffocating terror, knowing this is the moment in time, death is upon you.

That is a normal one for me, it will last about 10-20 minutes, during which, time stands still.

Once all is said and done, I am beyond tired, all I want to do is sleep for hours and hours.

I used to get these every 2 or so days...

Until I figured out what was going on, I thought I was either dying or losing my mind.

The quickest way to bring upon unnecessary stress for me is "mind-chatter"...

An endless stream of constant self-talk, incomplete thoughts, guilt, shame, blame, frustration, doubt, worry, helplessness, hopelessness etc...

Now in order for us to survive, our mind is always "on", looking ahead, seeking and scanning for possible threats to our well-being, whether they are real or perceived.

These thoughts will interfere with your relationship with Him.

Your walk with Him will lose focus, become less fruitful, which in turn leaves you open for the enemy to swoop in and wreck havoc on you.

Your greatest battle in your walk with Him?

Your mind.

Our minds are wicked, easily lead astray, deceived, depraved, worldly and they create constant inner conflict.

If you are not in control of your thoughts, they are in control of you.

The thoughts, that play like a scratched record over and over in your mind are robbing you of His peace.

By practicing regular prayer, meditation, reflection, pondering, studying, contemplating and thinking, it teaches you to quiet your mind, to identify with your thoughts and it will clear your mental way to God.

You can't hear His "still, small voice" if it is being drowned out by endless chatter.

If you stop and think about the times throughout your life that you have truly sought Him, your greatest inspirations, answers and peace came when it was a time of quietness, stillness and openness.

We need to take the time to "be still"...

I haven't had a moment like the one described above since I put this into practice.

There are days when the panic seeps in, today was one of those days, however I stopped and had some help shifting my focus back to what is the most important in my life...


Be Still And Know That He Is God
Be Still And Know That He Is Holy
Be Still Oh Restless Soul Of Mine
Bow Before The Prince Of Peace
Let The Noise And Clamor Cease

Voice Among The Nations

"This Is How We Know What Love Is: Jesus Christ Laid Down His Life For Us. And We Ought To Lay Down Our Lives For Our Brothers."
1 John 3:16

Voice Among The Nations
You Are Not So Small
For Now You Know I Have Called You
To Stand So Strong And Tall

Voice Among The Nations
You Have The Words They Need
To Bring Water To The Thirsty Souls
The Hungry Hearts To Feed

No More Hiding, Precious Child
I've Called You To The Light
You Shine And Bring Such Comfort
You Are Beautiful In My Sight

Voice Among The Nations
Speak Loud, And Strong, And True
Your Voice Will Not Be Silenced
For I Am Leading You!

I still cry each time I read the email that contained this poem.

My sister in Christ RW wrote it for me.

Thrown together through tragedy, bound together, forever, through Him.

Each time I stop and think of all the new people He has placed on my path, I am more humbled than I ever thought possible.

My Sister, My Friend ~ I thank you, for everything.

So In The Valley Walk On
Don't Have To Face It Alone
Cause In The Hard Times
We Keep Growing Strong
As We Learn, As We Live
That We Live When We Give

Sticks And Stones

"But No Man Can Tame The Tongue. It Is An Unruly Evil, Full Of Deadly Poison. With It We Bless Our God And Father, And With It We Curse Men, Who Have Been Made In The Similitude Of God. Out Of The Same Mouth Proceed Blessing And Cursing. My Brethen, These Things Ought Not To Be So."
James 3:8-10

Everyone has heard the childhood chant, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

This is a lie.

Words hurt.

How you put forth what you say, can make or break a day for someone.

The Bible states that the tongue can be one of the most deadliest weapons.

Not a knife, not a bomb, not a gun...

Your tongue...

"They Sharpen Their Tongue Like Swords And Aim Their Bitter Words Like Arrows" - Psalm 64:3

"Their Tongues Sting Like A Snake; The Venom Of A Viper Drips From Their Lips." Psalm 140:3

Each and every one of us is guilty of not holding our tongues...

People hurt us and out first instinct is to lash out...

Most of the time, it will start with a word, could be a barrage of words as well.

Instead of thinking before you react, you open your mouth and out comes a tongue lashing to the one who hurt you.

I am guilty of this as well.

I have always been the type of person who speaks before I think.

You know the type, the words are coming out faster than they can reel them back in.

I have been practicing the act of thinking before I speak.

If you see my mouth moving before words come out, it is because I am asking Him how to respond.

It isn't an easy task and I will admit, I fail more than I succeed on this one.

I wasn't raised to be a doormat, however somewhere along the way I have become one...

To each person in my life, somehow, someway, I have been a doormat.

Of course I never stopped to look at it that way, I just saw it as treating people the way you want to be treated.

You should be kind and caring...

Decent and compassionate...

Honest and loyal...

Loving and trustworthy...

The attributes I put forth are the same ones I want to see from those around me.

For the past 16 months, I have been demonized by the one person I always thought would protect me...

The one I pledged my life to, is the one who hurts me the most with his words.

Even though I have had time to put walls into place to protect myself from his spew, they are very fragile walls that he knocks down each time I hear from him.

Could be a word, could be a bunch of words, however it always ends the same, me in tears and full of anxiety.

Treat people the way you want to be treated...

Drilled into my head for as long as I can remember, thinking of course everyone was raised this way.

I know his parents, I know his Mom better than I know his Dad, however they never raised him to be this way.

Threats, ugly accusations hurled, blackmail, harsh words, lies,...

None of these are ingrained into someone, they are a learned behavior.

So what happens when you come up against someone you love and they speak to you in this manner?

I used to scream, yell, cry and I have been known to throw things as well.

I always let my anger get the best of me.

Now I try to breathe, I try to ignore, I try not to respond.

And now I try to remember the most important thing...

He is standing right next to me...

He can hear each and every word coming out of my mouth.

Try to think if this is something you would say to Him, before you say it to someone else.

Or think "Am I comfortable saying this knowing He is standing right here, next to me?"

Rather than focusing on what the person has said to hurt you, ask Him what you need to work on in your own life, let Him deal with them.

As my Dad is forever telling me, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

This has nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with being how He wants you to be.

Treating people, all of His people, how He wants you to treat them, not how you want to treat them.

T - True
H - Helpful
I - Important
N - Necessary
K - Kind

Think before you speak, you never know who is listening.

Though It Might Be Painful
You Know That Time Will Always Tell
Those People Have Long Since Gone
My Father Never Failed


Trusting Through Despair

"Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul? And Why Are Your Disquieted Within Me? Hope In God; For I Shall Yet Praise Him, The Help Of My Countenance And My God."
Psalm 43:5

When you live a life one way for so long and you than try to change it, well complications can arise.

I am noticing that the more I strive for perfection, the quicker and harder I fall.

I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my situation, filled with hopelessness and despair.

I have gotten up the past 3 days and I don't have the joy I normally feel.

I have cried a lot in the past 2 days, little things set me off for truly no apparent reason...

Yesterday it was just a single word spoken that set off the waterworks.

I feel like I haven't slept in a century, even though I am sleeping, it seems to be a restless sleep.

I am tired, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

So I do what I know I am supposed to do, I go to Him.

Last night, long after everyone was in bed, computer and phone off, I sat outside...

I just spoke to Him as I normally do, I questioned why I felt this weight crushing down on me...

Why as my Father, He didn't just take all the pain from my life.

I am your daughter I cried out...

Why are you sitting there watching all this fall down around me?

Why haven't you stepped in and pulled me from it all?

Why am I still in this seemingly bottomless pit, with no rope in sight?

I tried in the silence to hear His answer, to feel Him near me...

Anything to show me I was not alone.


I heard not a word nor a whisper.

I felt not a spark nor a gentle caress across my soul.

The wind didn't move, the air was still and heavy with the same despair I was feeling.

I went inside to go to bed, it was late and I knew I needed to get some form of sleep.

Anger, rage, pain & some hate filled my thoughts.

I knelt down and said my prayers, begging for mercy, for grace, for peace.

I woke up to the same feeling of despair this morning.

The way I see it, in my blond dizziness, I was under some off base thought that once I answered His call, I would be free from pain, free from heartache, free from the "normal" problems of this world...

My Father called me by name, I answered that call and began almost immediately to put forth what He was calling me to do, so why than do I still feel like I am drowning?

As I stagger around the darkness of despair, I am reminded of something...

Faith grows best in the darkness.

You see, when life is going along perfectly well, we seem to "forget" who put us there in the first place.

We are happy and carefree, most likely never saying thank you, we take our eyes off of Him and and put them onto worldly things instead.

In the light of sunshine and rainbows, spiritually we can see forever, it is when the storm sets in that it takes great strength for those same eyes to try to see past the wind and rain and keep your focus on Him.

I struggle with this, keeping my focus on Him when I feel so utterly alone.

I battle with my own darkness, the past I just can't let go of and the horrific choices I have made in this life...

As the storm rages on, I know He is there...

Never out of reach.

Seemingly out of touch, yet seeking my trust in Him, to know He is indeed right there.

That is what it is all about...

Do I trust that He is there even in the darkest of hours?

During the despair I feel right now, do I trust Him?

Do I truly trust that He knows what He is doing in my life?

Regardless that I may not agree with it, am I able to give myself over to Him fully, to do as He pleases, for my life?

The answer is yes.

So I'm Off To Follow In Your Steps
It Won't Be Easy, It's Safe To Say
There Are Only Two Roads I Can Walk On Down
The Road Less Traveled Is The One You Paved


Purity Of The Heart

"Search Me, O Lord, And Know My Heart; Test Me And Know My Anxious Thoughts. See If There Is Any Offensive Way In Me, And Lead Me In The Way Everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24

Last night as I was reading, I came across a sentence on purity.

Anytime I heard the word "purity" I always thought it had to do with abstaining from sex.

I never got to the core of it, quite frankly it never crossed my mind...

Until last night.

I asked G, what did it mean to be "pure"?

I ask him a lot of things, he is my friend, my mentor but most of all he is my Brother in Christ and 99% of the time, he has wonderful insight into whatever I am asking.

He inspires me in all I do, he forces me to look deep within myself and seek the answers within, not in a book, not on the internet, not from my family or my friends, not even from him, however from Him.

Yes, sometimes it would be easier if he would just give me the answer, however I can't learn that way...

I would never seek so deep if it wasn't for him pushing me.

Purity ~

Living by the rules of God.

Living a life that is pleasing to God.

Living for the sole purpose of God.

Having a pure heart means keeping the moral laws of God.

This is what I am seeking, and to be honest it isn't easy...

The "dark" side calls in each and everything I do, it is up to me to not give in to it.

Temptation, so easy to give into, so hard to ignore.

Yet I try, each day, each minute to think, speak and act purely.

I am ashamed to admit I fail...

A lot.

As I spoke with G last night, I admitted some things that have been going on within me...

Changes that have taken place, slowly over the past few months, that I am now only beginning to see.

It seems each day, it is something new I am noticing.

As I go about my day, I have a voice within I am starting to hear...

I can assume it is Him, otherwise I may be carted off to the mental institution.

The quietest of whispers within my soul.

Not all the time, yet.

A voice so softly asking me "Is that what I would want from you"?

In every response I give to someone, I ask myself "Is it for Him or is it for me"?

I feel myself changing every second of the day.

I second guess everything, that is my nature, however now it is a different type of second guessing because I am asking if what I am doing will glorify Him.

I find myself treating my body better, His temple...

I am starting to watch what I put into it literally and spiritually.

The music I listen to used to be filled with anger, it fueled me in my battle with myself, now it is calming, inspirational, peaceful.

I used to watch a lot of TV, now I find myself going home and reading, meditating on His word instead.

My thought process has changed more in the last month than I ever thought possible.

My patience level is growing...

I see myself sometimes almost like I am standing outside, looking in...

I see my interaction with Tigger and sometimes I flash back to what I would have done prior as opposed to what I am doing now.

I see my relationships changing.

With my family, with my closest of friends, with friends not so close.

Most especially I see my relationship has changed with Him, in the most beautiful of ways.

I talk to Him as if I am talking to you right now.

I still pray naturally, however I can carry on a one-sided conversation most of the day and I am at peace with that, knowing eventually all the answers will fall into place.

There are areas I need some serious work on...

I still curse like a sailor, I still have people not of "like mind" that I surround myself with, people who are waiting and most likely taking bets to see when I will fail.

What they don't realize is I can't fail...

Not that I wont, I can't, because He is leading this path, He won't let me fail as long as I keep looking up.

As long as I remain pure within Him, I will soar.

And If Our God Is For Us, Then Who Could Ever Stop Us?
And If Our God Is With Us, Then What Can Stand Against?
And If Our God Is For Us, Then Who Could Ever Stop Us?
And If Our God Is With Us, Then What Can Stand Against?


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