Trusting Through Despair

"Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul? And Why Are Your Disquieted Within Me? Hope In God; For I Shall Yet Praise Him, The Help Of My Countenance And My God."

Psalm 43:5

When you live a life one way for so long and you than try to change it, well complications can arise.

I am noticing that the more I strive for perfection, the quicker and harder I fall.

I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my situation, filled with hopelessness and despair.

I have gotten up the past 3 days and I don't have the joy I normally feel.

I have cried a lot in the past 2 days, little things set me off for truly no apparent reason...

Yesterday it was just a single word spoken that set off the waterworks.

I feel like I haven't slept in a century, even though I am sleeping, it seems to be a restless sleep.

I am tired, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

So I do what I know I am supposed to do, I go to Him.

Last night, long after everyone was in bed, computer and phone off, I sat outside...

I just spoke to Him as I normally do, I questioned why I felt this weight crushing down on me...

Why as my Father, He didn't just take all the pain from my life.

I am your daughter I cried out...

Why are you sitting there watching all this fall down around me?

Why haven't you stepped in and pulled me from it all?

Why am I still in this seemingly bottomless pit, with no rope in sight?

I tried in the silence to hear His answer, to feel Him near me...

Anything to show me I was not alone.

Nothing.

I heard not a word nor a whisper.

I felt not a spark nor a gentle caress across my soul.

The wind didn't move, the air was still and heavy with the same despair I was feeling.

I went inside to go to bed, it was late and I knew I needed to get some form of sleep.

Anger, rage, pain & some hate filled my thoughts.

I knelt down and said my prayers, begging for mercy, for grace, for peace.

I woke up to the same feeling of despair this morning.

The way I see it, in my blond dizziness, I was under some off base thought that once I answered His call, I would be free from pain, free from heartache, free from the "normal" problems of this world...

My Father called me by name, I answered that call and began almost immediately to put forth what He was calling me to do, so why than do I still feel like I am drowning?

As I stagger around the darkness of despair, I am reminded of something...

Faith grows best in the darkness.

You see, when life is going along perfectly well, we seem to "forget" who put us there in the first place.

We are happy and carefree, most likely never saying thank you, we take our eyes off of Him and and put them onto worldly things instead.

In the light of sunshine and rainbows, spiritually we can see forever, it is when the storm sets in that it takes great strength for those same eyes to try to see past the wind and rain and keep your focus on Him.

I struggle with this, keeping my focus on Him when I feel so utterly alone.

I battle with my own darkness, the past I just can't let go of and the horrific choices I have made in this life...

As the storm rages on, I know He is there...

Never out of reach.

Seemingly out of touch, yet seeking my trust in Him, to know He is indeed right there.

That is what it is all about...

Do I trust that He is there even in the darkest of hours?

During the despair I feel right now, do I trust Him?

Do I truly trust that He knows what He is doing in my life?

Regardless that I may not agree with it, am I able to give myself over to Him fully, to do as He pleases, for my life?

The answer is yes.

THIRD DAY
So I'm Off To Follow In Your Steps
It Won't Be Easy, It's Safe To Say
There Are Only Two Roads I Can Walk On Down
The Road Less Traveled Is The One You Paved