Created To Stand Out

"Am I Now Trying To Win The Approval Of Men, Or Of God? Or Am I Trying To Please Men? If I Were Still Trying To Please Men, I Would Not Be A Servant Of Christ."

Galatians 1:10

We all want to be accepted.

By our families, our friends, our loved ones, our co-workers etc...

I wanted to as well until I came to the realization, I wasn't created to fit in...

I was created to stand out.

Each and every thing I look at as a curse, has actually been a gift from Him...

This is how I was designed, by His hand...

I can't be what others want me to be...

I can only be what He wants me to be.

I will never be you, you will never be me...

I can adapt different traits to fit in to whatever my surroundings are, however ultimately I am still me inside and no matter how hard I try, I can't change that...

He didn't design me to fit in...

He designed me to stand away from the crowd, not to draw attention to me, but to draw attention to Him.

To live the life He wants me to live for Him...

To be able to glorify Him in all I do...

He called me to do what is right for my life, the way He wants it to be...

I ask the question - Who am I?
Not "Why me?" but "Who am I?"

Who am I to even begin down a road He called me upon?

Who am I to even begin to think I know what it is He wants for my life?

I feel like I am being blindly led down a dark road most of the time.

He called me to this path, and I know He is also holding my hand as I travel it...

He doesn't want me to fit in everywhere I go, He wants me to shine in all that I do...

He wants non-believers to see His light pouring forth from me...

He wants me to lead them to Him, and quite frankly I don't know how.

He called me to do what is right, and each step I take feels like I am walking on broken glass, barefoot.

He is guiding in wisdom, as I pull back a little each day, fearful of what He has planned for me.

If I can be calm within Him, trust within Him, I will have His strength, yet I am overwhelmed.

Having been summoned by name, I am His, covered by His hand, sheltered by His wing, this I know yet I also know I feel more alone then I have ever felt in my life.

During my times of prayer, He puts different words on my heart, different people on my heart...

People around me who have pulled away due to circumstances surrounding them are on my heart all the time, because He put them there as a reminder to not forget, to not close the door that they may need to enter at a different time, different season.

My words here, on my blog, are so unfamiliar to me that when someone tells me they enjoyed a particular line, or particular post, I question if I wrote it...

My thoughts are so unfamiliar to me, I wonder sometimes if I am losing my mind...


My heart, I wear it on my sleeve, I have been told that at least a thousand times in my life...

It is bruised, battered and torn, yet He is healing it, one day at a time...

Not in the way I prayed, not in the restoration of my marriage, however in His way...

Even in the eye of infidelity, I stand out, due to the choices He has allowed me to make in His name.

So I accept that I am not you, I accept you will not ever be me...

I take all my quirks, thoughts, mannerisms, emotions etc... and I say "Thank You"...

For though I may be different then anyone you have ever known, this is me...

I was created to stand out and shine for Him.

CASTING CROWNS
Not Because Of Who I Am
But Because Of What You've Done
Not Because Of What I've Done
But Because Of Who You Are

The Healing Has Begun...

"But When He Saw The Wind, He Was Afraid And, Beginning To Sink, Cried Out, Lord, Save Me!"
Matthew 14:30

Out of all the people in the Bible, my Mother-in-Law recently told me she thought I was the most like Peter...

The only thing I knew about Peter is he had little faith and he doubted...

I now know he is the one who walked on water (with his little faith) with Jesus...

Even with Jesus in front of Peter, he still doubted, still cried out for Him to save him.

One of His own disciples doubted Him...

If Peter could doubt Him to His face, I don't feel quite so bad doubting from down here...

I know I shouldn't and I try not to, however some days it is hard to do...

Until today...

Today, my healing began.

Technically it started many months ago...

I have talked before about the people He has placed in my path

People to help guide me down a very dark and almost unforgiving road...

Feeling trapped between 2 worlds, the world I knew and the world unfolding before me.

My whole life I wanted to be "normal"...

I wanted to be average height, I am not...

I wanted a calm mind, I have not...

I wanted a peaceful center, it wasn't to be...

Nothing about me is normal...

And I am ok with that now.

I have been uneasy these past few days, seeking within something I could not find...

Hate, bitterness and revenge...

I wanted it, I looked for it and I couldn't find it...

Not for him and not for her...

I could find pity and anger but that isn't what I wanted...

I wanted to be jaded, no longer open for love nor trust for anyone who tried to get to close.

You see I thought that is where I should be by now on my journey...

I see others who harbor so much hatred and bitterness, I seriously thought something was wrong with me...

I would look in the mirror and wonder why I couldn't muster up those feelings.

No one would blame me nor judge me for it, some may even welcome that reaction from me...

Yet the more I looked, the less I found.

So I prayed about it, not asking Him for the hate of course, just for the normal reaction I was seeing around me on a daily basis...

Nothing, to the point where I thought maybe something else was broken inside of me...

So I turned to a man near and dear to me, G....

I have spoken about him many times before on here...

I will continue to speak of him because I can...

There are no words to describe the gratefulness I have in my heart for him...

The connection we share as friends is beyond words...

I know when he is hurting before he even says a word to me, I know when he is happy, when he needs to be alone and I know when he needs a friend...

He in turn has to the same concern and caring.

The connection is also spiritual...

He is like a safe harbor for me to be anchored at and I trust him more then anyone else...

Because he knows what he is talking about, I can turn to him with questions I wouldn't dare voice to another human being at this point in my life...

I question everything, that is just how I am, and recently I have been questioning whether I was emotionally broken so I talked to G, first on Sunday and then again yesterday.

The conversation wasn't all pleasant and almost the minute I heard his voice, I started crying...

With him I don't have to hide my tears, I don't have to be behind locked doors silently letting the tears fall, he urges me to let them fall where they may...

Within the different tiers in my mind, he reaches pretty high.

I told him about my fear of being broken, questioned why I couldn't hate and why I couldn't just be "normal."

His answers won't be shared because I won't break that confidence, however I will say he was profoundly insightful as usual.

So I thought about our conversation and how I could go about healing myself...

I rely on God to guide me and protect me and comfort me and love me, however I also need to learn to rely on myself, for the first time in my life, I am on my own whether I like it or not.

We will do almost anything to avoid being alone I have learned.


The break-up of my marriage has, without a doubt been one of the most painful things I have ever encountered...

Once I decided to divorce him, I thought it would get easier, yet it has not, if anything the emotions have doubled and intensified.

I have learned that is something normal to feel, because the abandonment overlaps with the grief from loss of the relationship.

In death, there is closure...

In the mutual ending of a relationship, there is closure...

In abandonment, there is no closure, and without the closure, you have a gaping wound that just won't heal.

There are obstacles that are placed in your path the moment that life changes course.

The choice than becomes yours to either remove the obstacles once and for all or just go around them in a half-hearted attempt at getting your life back...

That is where hate, revenge and bitterness come in, all obstacles in your path...

Yes the easiest thing to do would be to go around them, however your healing is hindered and you will be taking the same insecurities, fears, worries and doubts into your next relationship.

By removing the obstacles altogether, you allow yourself the chance to grow and learn from the experience, in a healthy way.

If you do it correctly, there will be no hate, no bitterness and no revenge...

It isn't ever needed in order for you to live life to the fullest...

You will still have intense pain, you will be angry, you will cry, some days you may even rage however if you seek within to hate, it won't come.

Unknown to me, at the very beginning, I set about removing the obstacles...

Not just the obstacles of what the damage did, however the obstacles of my past altogether...

All of it needs to be purged and dealt with once and for all...

Forgiveness needs to be given, not just to him, not just to her but to myself as well...

In order to move forward and be healed, I need to have the courage to go on believing in life and the capacity of love I have within....

By going around the obstacles, I lose a huge lesson that each one of us on this road needs to learn...

By removing the obstacles, I am already on the road to healing...

A healing that is as healthy as it is going to get, no matter the pain involved, no matter the loss, no matter the tears...

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
This Is Where The Healing Begins, Oh
This Is Where The Healing Starts
When You Come To Where You're Broken Within
The Light Meets The Dark