The Healing Has Begun...

"But When He Saw The Wind, He Was Afraid And, Beginning To Sink, Cried Out, Lord, Save Me!"
Matthew 14:30

Out of all the people in the Bible, my Mother-in-Law recently told me she thought I was the most like Peter...

The only thing I knew about Peter is he had little faith and he doubted...

I now know he is the one who walked on water (with his little faith) with Jesus...

Even with Jesus in front of Peter, he still doubted, still cried out for Him to save him.

One of His own disciples doubted Him...

If Peter could doubt Him to His face, I don't feel quite so bad doubting from down here...

I know I shouldn't and I try not to, however some days it is hard to do...

Until today...

Today, my healing began.

Technically it started many months ago...

I have talked before about the people He has placed in my path

People to help guide me down a very dark and almost unforgiving road...

Feeling trapped between 2 worlds, the world I knew and the world unfolding before me.

My whole life I wanted to be "normal"...

I wanted to be average height, I am not...

I wanted a calm mind, I have not...

I wanted a peaceful center, it wasn't to be...

Nothing about me is normal...

And I am ok with that now.

I have been uneasy these past few days, seeking within something I could not find...

Hate, bitterness and revenge...

I wanted it, I looked for it and I couldn't find it...

Not for him and not for her...

I could find pity and anger but that isn't what I wanted...

I wanted to be jaded, no longer open for love nor trust for anyone who tried to get to close.

You see I thought that is where I should be by now on my journey...

I see others who harbor so much hatred and bitterness, I seriously thought something was wrong with me...

I would look in the mirror and wonder why I couldn't muster up those feelings.

No one would blame me nor judge me for it, some may even welcome that reaction from me...

Yet the more I looked, the less I found.

So I prayed about it, not asking Him for the hate of course, just for the normal reaction I was seeing around me on a daily basis...

Nothing, to the point where I thought maybe something else was broken inside of me...

So I turned to a man near and dear to me, G....

I have spoken about him many times before on here...

I will continue to speak of him because I can...

There are no words to describe the gratefulness I have in my heart for him...

The connection we share as friends is beyond words...

I know when he is hurting before he even says a word to me, I know when he is happy, when he needs to be alone and I know when he needs a friend...

He in turn has to the same concern and caring.

The connection is also spiritual...

He is like a safe harbor for me to be anchored at and I trust him more then anyone else...

Because he knows what he is talking about, I can turn to him with questions I wouldn't dare voice to another human being at this point in my life...

I question everything, that is just how I am, and recently I have been questioning whether I was emotionally broken so I talked to G, first on Sunday and then again yesterday.

The conversation wasn't all pleasant and almost the minute I heard his voice, I started crying...

With him I don't have to hide my tears, I don't have to be behind locked doors silently letting the tears fall, he urges me to let them fall where they may...

Within the different tiers in my mind, he reaches pretty high.

I told him about my fear of being broken, questioned why I couldn't hate and why I couldn't just be "normal."

His answers won't be shared because I won't break that confidence, however I will say he was profoundly insightful as usual.

So I thought about our conversation and how I could go about healing myself...

I rely on God to guide me and protect me and comfort me and love me, however I also need to learn to rely on myself, for the first time in my life, I am on my own whether I like it or not.

We will do almost anything to avoid being alone I have learned.


The break-up of my marriage has, without a doubt been one of the most painful things I have ever encountered...

Once I decided to divorce him, I thought it would get easier, yet it has not, if anything the emotions have doubled and intensified.

I have learned that is something normal to feel, because the abandonment overlaps with the grief from loss of the relationship.

In death, there is closure...

In the mutual ending of a relationship, there is closure...

In abandonment, there is no closure, and without the closure, you have a gaping wound that just won't heal.

There are obstacles that are placed in your path the moment that life changes course.

The choice than becomes yours to either remove the obstacles once and for all or just go around them in a half-hearted attempt at getting your life back...

That is where hate, revenge and bitterness come in, all obstacles in your path...

Yes the easiest thing to do would be to go around them, however your healing is hindered and you will be taking the same insecurities, fears, worries and doubts into your next relationship.

By removing the obstacles altogether, you allow yourself the chance to grow and learn from the experience, in a healthy way.

If you do it correctly, there will be no hate, no bitterness and no revenge...

It isn't ever needed in order for you to live life to the fullest...

You will still have intense pain, you will be angry, you will cry, some days you may even rage however if you seek within to hate, it won't come.

Unknown to me, at the very beginning, I set about removing the obstacles...

Not just the obstacles of what the damage did, however the obstacles of my past altogether...

All of it needs to be purged and dealt with once and for all...

Forgiveness needs to be given, not just to him, not just to her but to myself as well...

In order to move forward and be healed, I need to have the courage to go on believing in life and the capacity of love I have within....

By going around the obstacles, I lose a huge lesson that each one of us on this road needs to learn...

By removing the obstacles, I am already on the road to healing...

A healing that is as healthy as it is going to get, no matter the pain involved, no matter the loss, no matter the tears...

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
This Is Where The Healing Begins, Oh
This Is Where The Healing Starts
When You Come To Where You're Broken Within
The Light Meets The Dark