"The Sacrifices Of God Are A Broken Spirit: A Broken And A Contrite Heart, O God, Thou Wilt Not Despise."
Psalm 51:17
I remember when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was riding my bike in the road, with my head down, peddling as fast as I possibly could, right into a parked car.
I wasn't hurt too badly, except I remember my knee was tore up, bloodied and bruised, I rushed home seeking one of my parents to fix it up for me...
One of them (I can't remember who) cleaned up my wounds, put a bandage on me and set me on my way, with the orders to ride my bike with my eyes forward and not down...
Later on, my wounds would be re-dressed with the words to not mess with the bandages because that would prolong the healing.
I was a kid, and I will admit I didn't listen, I would remove that bandage to see the wound, which at the time covered almost my whole knee...
Each time I pulled that bandage off, the healing would be delayed, the bleeding would start once again and I most likely would have been talked to, about messing with it time and time again.
Leave it alone and allow it to heal I would hear...
Stop messing with it or you are going to have a scar...
Some things never change and yes, I do have a scar, about an inch long, right on top of my kneecap.
The pain that comes with adultery is unlike anything I have ever experienced...
A complete shattering from within, leaving an invisible wound that scars your very soul.
You can't slap a bandage on a wound that deep, though I know people who have tried...
They drink, jump from bed to bed, abuse drugs, hide themselves off from the world etc...
Anything to stop from feeling that wound, a pain so deep, it literally takes your breath away.
I have learned that the trauma from betrayal, has similar symptoms to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and the element of amnesia and dissociation are likely to be greater, the betrayal goes deep enough to produce a broken heart, with that it will also open the doors of absolute distrust.
Proverbs 4:23 ~ Above All Else, Guard Your Heart, For Everything You Do Flows From It.
Our heart, guides and directs all that we do, the words we speak are formed in our heart, before they leave our mouths, who we are in Him, is being formed in our hearts.
A broken heart can hinder your relationship with Him, I can say this because I allow it to hinder my walk as well, as much as I hate to admit that.
Instead of giving Him each broken piece, I thought I could handle it on my own...
Thinking to myself, since I am so smart and worldly, I will give Him some, and I will keep the rest and we will see which one of us can fix me quicker, as if this was some kind of contest that I even had a chance of winning.
Ha ~ I should be smacked sometimes when I am left to think on my own. :)
My bandage?
I didn't really had one other than avoidence, stuffing down the most hurtful words, the most painful memories, the flashbacks, the mind movies...
If I didn't allow myself to feel or deal with that, I was fine...
However, I was far from fine and the past few days have been a very humbling lesson for me.
He allowed me to get so far, to think I actually had a chance to heal on my own, until He kindly knocked me upside my head...
I don't say that in a bad way, I truly believe He will allow us to get to a certain point and He can see it isn't working quite the way it should, so something will come into your path, to make you stop and actually realize, you aren't doing it the way He has designed.
Just like a parent.
I sat in court last week, face to face with the man I married 21 years ago, the man who almost single handedly destroyed me.
We sat at a round table, across from one another, looking everywhere but at each other, not a word spoken between the two of us, him puffed up in anger so apparent, I could feel it coming off of him...
As I sat there, stealing glances at him, wondering who he was, what was he thinking, if he was really happy, if this was really happening and yes a part of me wondered if I could just strangle him and get away with it right there in the court room, I was reminded of something I heard not so long ago...
"An old Indian man was talking to his young grandson. "There are two wolves inside every man, a good one and an evil one. They are fighting all the time, tearing each other to pieces, until only one remains," the old man said. "And so which one wins?" the little boy asked. "The one you feed" was the answer.
I didn't understand it when I first heard it, now I do...
He chooses to feed the evil, I choose to feed the good...
His choices are an extremely poor reflection of the man I used to know, a life filled with twisted religion, sin reigning supreme, seeking whatever he can, to fill whatever happiness he is looking for.
My choices are the exact opposite of his, I haven't dated nor do I really have an inclination to do so at this time, I try to live as the Book says I should and there are days I stumble, badly, however I do know right from wrong and I will not allow the enemy to win my soul, no matter how many times I fall.
I pray for him, for His will in his life and there are days I actually utter her name in prayer...
It isn't often though and I know it should be, however I have a very hard time distinguishing between her the "good Church going, Christian woman" he says she is and her the "homewrecking troll" I know her as...
In my mind, those two statements shouldn't be uttered about one person...
You are either good or you are not, there is no in-between...
You can be bad and become good or vice versa, however there isn't a shade of gray where adultery is concerned.
In my opinion it is a black and white issue, choices were made, hearts were shattered and the pieces scattered to almost every end of the Earth.
Adultery has got to be one of the most painful things to live through, however you can live through it, you can move past it and not allow it to define you.
Does it define me as a person?
No, it allows me a deeper understanding for the pain a person can actually handle, without breaking under the extreme pressure of it.
It allowed me a chance to find myself, a chance to see what human beings are truly capable of and a chance to run back to Him.
Once I gave Him all the pieces, He then was able to bandage my broken heart, His way, not with bandaids, not with a needle and thread, not with staples...
With His Divine Hand, He holds my heart, each and every single piece, and with His love showering down on me, each day the hole becomes just a little bit smaller, the pain just a little less severe then it was yesterday.
I am slowly learning, it takes a Divine Heart to heal a broken heart.
MARK SCHULTZ
Yes, I Have Been There
I Know What Pain Is All About
I Have Been There
And I Am Standing With You Now
I Have Been There
And I Came To Build A Bridge Oh
So This Road Could Lead You Home
Oh I Have Been There
