I Can't Stop Reading

Good Morning All...

Normally I don't post on the weekend since Sunday is my only day off and it is usually filled with things to do that I didn't get through with the past week...

I work Mon-Sat and I am again at work now however I stopped for a moment to peruse different blogs and make some comments here and there...

I noticed on my dashboard that I had a new follower so I thought I would check the blog out...

After reading the first post, I knew there was a reason he found his way to my blog so I in turn could find my way to his...

The blog is by Louis and this just restores my faith that there is a reason that everyone comes into your life at the moment that they do...

It may be for a short time or it may be for a lifetime however there is always a reason...

What can I learn from each of you?

What can you learn from me?

What can we learn from each other?

I hope you take a moment to go visit his blog and really read and think about what he is saying...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Be safe!!

NICKELBACK
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Has Things That They Hide
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Keeps Most Things Inside
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Believes In Something Above
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Needs To Feel Loved

Eggshells & Prayer

See those up there....

They are called eggshells...

I walk on them throughout my day...

All day...

Every day....

I thought about this when I drove into work this morning....

I can't just get up and go about my day oblivious...

I gauge everything...

I worry about everything...

Somewhere along this path, I went from a person who had confidence...
I had self-esteem...
I was strong (some may say bitchy)...
I couldn't care less what others thought of me...
I had no problem telling you what I thought of you or your actions....

Now I walk on eggshells with everyone around me...
I don't speak my mind (perfect example - I get a deli sandwich at Publix about once a week and have been for about a year - The girl there still puts the wrong ham on every time I order and I have still yet to say anything..I just take my sandwich and eat it as it) because I fear what others may think...
I don't look in the mirror because I am not proud of what I have become...
I don't like the haunted, empty look in my eyes that I see staring back at me....
I don't look people in the eyes anymore when I am talking to them...
I look at the ground...(Why??? They aren't any better then me)
I avoid people as much as I can...
I can stand in a room with 100 people and feel like the only one there...
I don't go out of my way to do anything except escape within myself...
I am so worried about hurting other peoples' feelings that I have now taken to just ignoring them or saying the minimal amount possible and then scurrying away like a little mouse...

I am happiest alone with nobody around and that kills me because I am also saddest when I am alone...


Alone...

There are no eggshells...

Just my racing mind and fleeting thoughts.

Here on my blog, I can lay out whatever I want and you guys are so supportive and sweet no matter what I put out there...

I know some may not agree with me however even then you are nice about it...

Here there are no eggshells and I am not a doormat...

Here I can be my real self and say what ever I want to say...

I can say why I am having a bad day or how I feel at any given time during the day...

Here I can bear my soul and say I feel like a crappy friend, wife, mother, daughter and you aren't judging me...

Here I can say I hate taking meds and you aren't pointing fingers at me (telling me to get back on my meds) every time I try to say something you don't want to hear.

Here I can tell you I have had such a bad week that I now have a Dr.s appointment on 04/30...

The last 3 days I have felt like I am in constant panic...

Here I can say that even my relationship with Him is fragile...

I still walk on eggshells as I pray...

Can God even be offended by what I pray about?

Is He offended when I sit in my garage (I like my garage - it is quiet) and rage inside at Him because I can't bring myself to rage on the outside to anyone else?

Is He offended I can sit in a church parking lot but still not bring myself to go inside even though every fiber of my being is crying out for something - anything?

Is He offended that I have turned out this way?

Did He make me this way?

Did He know I would go from a strong confident woman to a maniacal mess in a matter of months?

Is this a test to see how much I can take? If it is I think I am failing...

Does He know I sit here and look out my window and see what a beautiful day it is outside and the rain has stopped and everything is green yet inside I am still black and gray and stormy?

Does He think I can make it through this? If He does, I think he picked the wrong person...

I am so close to the edge and I can't even began to tell you how that makes me feel.

I just hope and pray that if I go over the edge, He will also catch me before I fall otherwise I may not survive the fall.


LINKIN PARK
Sometimes I Remember The Darkness Of My Past
Bringing Back These Memories I Wish I Didn't Have
Sometimes I Think Of Letting Go And Never Looking Back
And Never Looking Forward So There'd Never Be A Past

Man-isms

I know my blog is usually not chipper and it is full of my ramblings as I try to deal with my inner demons however I wanted to get a couple things off my chest -

What I call man-isms...Things I (think) know damn well men invented/thought up to torture us...

First up - My SUV (Yes I know it isn't good for the environment - don't judge)...I love my car...I love being able to get into it and just going and I love that it does what I want when I turn the key so imagine my surprise when a light (that is confusing to look at so must have been invented by men) came on the dashboard 2 days ago...Of course I could have looked in the book to see what the light ment however I (being smart) told hubby last night (yes I forgot about the light being on for 2 days) I needed a new windshield...He asked me if mine had become cracked or if I was in a wreck and the windshield broke and I just neglected to tell him (I am not that blond!)....I told him no...The windshield was fine but the light was on showing me the windshield needing replacing....Here is the light...It is the top one...




I thought that since it was on and it looks like the windshield, it was telling me I needed a new windshield...After claiming to myself to be real car smart and telling hubby this he proceeded to go look at the light himself (after telling me there isn't a car out there that would tell you that you need a new windshield and if it indeed did that, it would have to be possessed by Christine)...Turns out I need windshield wiper fluid, not a new windshield....(Now I see how it looks like liquid and not instructions on how to remove the windshield)



Next up....Self Hair Removal....99% of the time I use a razor always have however not to long ago I got the bright idea in my head to try out wax (you know someone ie: man was hating us when this was invented)....As I get a bit older I have weird stray hairs coming from weird places (like my chin and big toes - get your minds out of the gutter) so I bought this wax which didn't really need to be heated (and smelled like chocolate!) and figured I would start on a small area (toes)...No big deal..I do have 8 tattoos what is a little wax?....Put it on and waited the amount of time before I pulled off the strip and then proceeded to fall right the hell out of my chair onto the floor with instant tears in my eyes - HOLY CRAP...I felt like the top layer of skin was GONE! I looked to see if there was blood gushing out of my foot onto the carpet (there wasn't)....The hair was gone...My youngest was cracking up at me and I swore that wouldn't happen again...I would just shave - More power to the ones out there who go for the "Brazilian"...There isn't enough money in the world for wax on my nether region!



"Have a Happy Period"?...This couldn't have come from a woman (I am sure it could have however I have NEVER met a woman who was happy at this time so therefore a man must have come up with this line)....You are bloating and crampy and bitchy and pimply and your chest hurts and your back hurts and you are weepy and you feel gross and you are rage filled and you are looking for chocolate like a bear foraging for food in the woods or you want a complete salt lick sitting by you at all times or hell sometimes both at the same time and you feel like people hate you and you want to curl up into the fetal position in a corner somewhere and just cry like the little girl you are for the next 5 or so days....WTH is so happy about that? Do you really think a pad can change all that? Is this a magical pad? Does it have magical powers in it that will just seep into my skin and make me "Happy" again? There are even e-cards to send to your friends telling them to have a "Happy Period"....Please don't bother to send me one of these because at that time I am most likely to slap the taste out of your mouth and then go back to my chocolate.


The exercise ball (another invention a man had to have a hand in)....I have one of these...I have used it 1 time...I was so excited to get this...I wanted something to do inside when it is raining outside or later on at night after the boys are in bed...It came with a DVD hosted by a sadistic woman who hates me...The first (and only time) time I popped this into my DVD player, she was so nice...She welcomed me to where ever she was (on a mountaintop) and she encouraged me to work out with her...The beginner workout would be a fun way to get into the program and she would be there along the way with me....I was stoked! I pumped my ball up...Threw on some shorts and proceeded to stand beside her while she showed me what to do...She gracefully (with her thin tanned self) placed the ball between her legs and showed me how to roll down it...I (not so gracefully with my not so thin, not so tan self) placed the ball between my legs, tried to roll down it and proceeded to shoot it out behind me, broke the table lamp shade and busted my head on the floor...She is mean and I hate her.

I am convinced that I am....

Not smart when it comes to cars....

Not "man" enough to wax...

Not happy when it is that time of the month...

Not graceful (ever)...

I do seem to have some days where I swear the universe is against me and I know if I actually took the time to think (as if I need to think anymore) about the moment at hand I could probably figure a lot of this out on my own however I am always in a hurry...Because my mind likes to race 24/7, I feel like I am forever playing catch-up...I am trying to slow it down day by day and some are just better then others.


Today seems to be a good day...
I haven't offended anyone (the day is young)...
I made it to work without a tire falling off of my car or my engine blowing....
I haven't hit anything...
I haven't yelled at anyone today...
The rain has (finally) stopped...
I have accepted that the house I was looking at wasn't ment to be (and then found out there were 2 separate shootings in that neighborhood not long ago)...
I have accepted that in order to do this not medicated, I need others along the way and you are all the "chosen ones" (I know you are thrilled beyond belief!)
Today I took note that you are all here for a reason (I firmly believe that) whether you are helping me on my journey or I am helping you...
Today I won a makeup bag that I have been eyeing for awhile...
Today I thanked God for the good and bad in my life - and I ment it....
Today is going to be a good day.


GREEN DAY
So Make The Best Of This Test
And Don't Ask Why.
It's Not A Question
But A Lesson Learned In Time.

Contest

Mrs. Realife is have a wonderful blog makeover contest since she hit 200 followers...See her button over there?
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Click it....Go visit her...Enter the contest! Good luck!

Be back soon :o)

CRAZEE TIMES.....

Ok BF....You have less then 8 hours (maybe - depending on your time zone) to go visit Juls and get Crazee with her...Come on...Go...Leave my blog and hop over to hers...Go Go Go!!! You will maybe (if you are lucky) get a prize! Who doesn't loves prizes??? Go get Crazee in her Crazee giveaway!!!!

DAMN...And a Miracle

Yes I cursed...I curse a lot in my real life and under my breath and in my head...I don't curse at people however the words just fly out sometimes however that is not what this post is about....

I wasn't even prepared for this post...

Normally I know in advance what I am posting because I have quite a few topics I want to cover eventually....

Anyway...Because we spent 20 years in the military moving around every 3-4 years, we never bought a house because we never knew where we would be...

We thought about it once we retired however the time never seemed right and in hindsight I am glad I didn't the way the housing market tanked recently.

So we rent now that we live off base...

We have been renting our current house for 2 years - going on 3 years...

Well my landlord raises the rent every year so come May we will be up to $1220.00 a month...

I will say normally this wouldn't have been a problem however in my business, I am paid on commission only and business has been cut almost in half from last year....

So I have been looking for a new place that is cheaper as well as a little bigger (We are in 1400 sq. ft)...I found such place on www.craiglist.com It is basically a bunch of ads for just about anything you can think of...It is the same place I found my current house...So the new one is 1900 sq ft...4 bedrooms/2 baths/recently remodeled/pool etc...For $650.00 a month - That is almost 1/2 of what we pay now so of course I jump all over that!

I was supposed to go see the house today and I just received an email from the (out of town) owners that it has now been leased...Ummm WHAT????

I spoke to the woman showing the house yesterday - She had no key and no way to let anyone see it and no less then 15 hours, it is gone?

Is this a sign that it isn't ment to be?

There would have been obstacles to moving to that house (ie: different school districts for both boys and the logistics of getting them both to the schools they are at now, the lease would be for 1 year only since she would be back next year etc...) so I sent up a prayer asking Him to please send me a sign as to what to do?

I guess I got my answer so now I am back to square one...

This has been the most blatant answer I have received in a long time and I thought I would share with you all.

Normally I would have just moved on - Cursing along the way :o)

However this morning I read a post from my BF Ace and she reminded me that this may be a miracle to me though not in the way I thought it would be...

Not all miracles are as perfect as you want them to be....

They very rarely come in the form of a bazillion dollar check from the lottery office...

They don't involve you going to sleep and waking up with a perfectly shaped ass and a six pack for a stomach...

They don't come down from heaven on the wings of an angel and handed to you on a silver platter...

They aren't doled out perfectly to each person who asks for one...

However they are there....

I remind myself each and every day that someone out there is worse off then I am...

And I remind myself that it is a miracle that I am still alive...

Yes I am struggling inside however I have food on my plate, clothes on my back, a (expensive haha) roof over my head etc....

There are people who don't have any of that and I pray for them every night...

I think the miracle here is not that I lost the house that I thought would be perfect but the peace I found accepting it albeit with a few choice words...

The miracle is there...

If you chose to see it...

Even if it isn't exactly what you are looking for....Thank you Ace for reminding me of that!


CREED
At Times Life’s Unfair And
You Know It’s Plain To See
Hey God I Know
I’m Just A Dot In This World
Have You Forgot About Me?
Whatever Life Brings
I’ve Been Through Everything
And Now I’m On My Knees Again

Forgiveness/Friends

I received so many wonderful comments and emails from you all and I wish I could hug each and every one of you...

Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone in anything I post here...

I told a fellow blogger this morning that it amazes me that I can reach out online and find so many who know exactly how I feel when in real life it just doesn't work that way....

I have a few more thoughts I wanted to put down...

First to a fellow bf...I won't reveal her name since she sent me an email however she put her heart into that email and let me know she knows exactly how I feel since this has happened to her....I know this is private since she didn't make any comments on it so to my bf (you know who you are)...Thank you...Thank you for showing me your heart and letting me know I am not alone...

Another bf Nikki asked me a really good question...

Do I trust him and not her (the ex)...Never thought of it that way and the answer is a resounding NO I don't trust her...Him I do of course but her...Never in a million years...Sad and funny thing - I have never laid eyes on the woman besides pictures...She doesn't live anywhere near us otherwise I would have long ago gone to her house and most likely beat her down and I know that isn't the answer but damn that would feel good right about now haha...

All of you sent me excellent suggestions on how to forgive and one of the ones I am enforcing today is letting him know (again) how I feel...

I went to lunch and bought a card and just sat here and wrote it all out...I am much better writing since my mind is always on overdrive and I forget things until later on...Writing allows me to slow down and say what I want right then and there.

I did apologize for being a bit psycho this past weekend but I won't apologize for anything else...I can't help how I feel however I can help how I project those feelings. (Holy hell - that line actually came from me! I can feel healing coming on lol)

I know some of you were shocked that I had kids - I know this because I received emails on it :) While my boys come first in my life, this isn't about them...

This is to help me become a better person for them...

I feel there are plenty of "mommy blogs" out there and I didn't need to make another one....

I may make a comment here and there about them...(Most especially my oldest at times because he is driving me crazy since he hit his teen years!) However my blog won't become about them...

This is about my healing...

Leaving my demons behind (finally) and moving forward...

You all allow me to be me...

I can say what I want without censoring and I have had no harsh judgements commented to me or my email box...

I can be pissed or down and one of you (if not all of you) will say something to snap me out of it...

I can bear my soul and you all still come back...

You let me be myself and I thank you for that...

Until tomorrow...

I hope you all have a wonderful night...

Be safe...(((HUGS)))


SHINEDOWN
Excuse The Wall, I Put It Up From Time To Time
A Silver Shade, And The Design Is All Mine
It's Just A Maze That Everyday I Seem To Be Stuck In
It Never Seems To Fade Away But I Pray For The Day It Ends

Forgiveness

I know I should have finished this portion by now but I get sidetracked very easily :o)

A few months after I got out of rehab, I met the man who would go on to become the eye in my hurricane...

My husband....A man of few words...My best friend...The one person in this world who no matter what is there for me...

Our marriage hasn't been perfect (really is any ones?)...

We have had to go through numerous obstacles to get where we are today including but not limited to....Financial trouble...Death of family members....Moving numerous times (he is retired military)...Long periods of time spent apart when he was stationed elsewhere...And most importantly an ex of his who to this day (we have been married 19 years - yes I married young) still tries like hell to come between us...

Now he isn't without fault of course because he should have been the one to say back the hell off...There have been 3 distinct times that she has hunted him down and they start talking and I can see the change in him...I told him the last time this happened that while I wouldn't ever choose his friends, it had to be me or her...

Now I should state he isn't physically cheating but in my mind emotional cheating is just as harmful...

She still wants him back and still loves him and would do anything for him BLAH BLAH BLAH...It stings just a little bit knowing they are having conversations that him and I should be having....

In my opinion this shouldn't even be any bearing in our marriage by now...So because she is the black cloud hanging over us, whenever he is even "off" in my eyes, I think he is back to talking to her...After the last time he swore, promised etc...no more...However I am paranoid and deep down still don't trust him 100% of the time...

I am trying to forgive and I don't know how...I am trying to move past it so I can stop worrying about each time his phone rings...

Yesterday I sat in my garage and just sobbed...I hate crying - It just isn't for me...

I cried about these thoughts that won't leave my head even though he hasn't given me any reason to think they are talking again....

I cried because I am not on any meds and sometimes I feel like I just can't breathe...I feel like I am almost in a constant panic attack...

I cried because I still haven't found my way back spiritually...

I cried because I don't know who I am anymore...

I cried because for the first time in 2 years I wanted so badly to just cut...I knew if I did I would be ok...I knew the release would come immediately...I had the scissors in my hand but I couldn't do it...

Do you even know how much of a psycho I feel like? Do you know what it is like to project one person to the outside world while inside you are screaming? The mask of bipolar isn't pretty and it isn't easy and I absolutely hate it...I hate feeling like there are 2 of me pulling at each other...2 of me fighting for release when I know only one of them will survive....

I know some of you may know exactly how I feel...The crushing feeling in your chest and no way to get it out.

I worry to much about each and every thing...Hubby tells me I would worry if I didn't have anything to worry about.

Now besides the ex, our marriage is almost perfect...Sure we have minor arguments however we have been through hell to get here and we have learned along the way... I love him more then words can say and if I could get her out of the picture (if she is still in it), then I think I could maybe breathe a little easier...

We have 2 children - Both boys....One is 13 and I shall call him Eeyore and the other is 5 and I will call him Tigger...

The 3 of them are the light in my darkness...

They are the reason I am still here today...

I know that bipolar may be hereditary and it took a long time before we even thought of having kids...I was horrified at the thought of my kids having to bear the cross I live with and knock on wood, neither of them show any signs...

Just the mom...

The crazy ass mom....

So I am asking you all, my bloggy friends for help...

How do I forgive and move on...

How do I stop worrying about this and see that it is all good...

I keep telling myself that until I am proved otherwise, I don't need to think about it however that is easier said then done.

How do you forgive and get that trust back?

STAIND
Another Day Inside My World
I'm Married To You And This Road
A Road That Never Lets Me Sleep
So There's No Way To Escape These Demons
I Am Forced To Keep