A few months after I got out of rehab, I met the man who would go on to become the eye in my hurricane...
My husband....A man of few words...My best friend...The one person in this world who no matter what is there for me...
Our marriage hasn't been perfect (really is any ones?)...
We have had to go through numerous obstacles to get where we are today including but not limited to....Financial trouble...Death of family members....Moving numerous times (he is retired military)...Long periods of time spent apart when he was stationed elsewhere...And most importantly an ex of his who to this day (we have been married 19 years - yes I married young) still tries like hell to come between us...
Now he isn't without fault of course because he should have been the one to say back the hell off...There have been 3 distinct times that she has hunted him down and they start talking and I can see the change in him...I told him the last time this happened that while I wouldn't ever choose his friends, it had to be me or her...
Now I should state he isn't physically cheating but in my mind emotional cheating is just as harmful...
She still wants him back and still loves him and would do anything for him BLAH BLAH BLAH...It stings just a little bit knowing they are having conversations that him and I should be having....
In my opinion this shouldn't even be any bearing in our marriage by now...So because she is the black cloud hanging over us, whenever he is even "off" in my eyes, I think he is back to talking to her...After the last time he swore, promised etc...no more...However I am paranoid and deep down still don't trust him 100% of the time...
I am trying to forgive and I don't know how...I am trying to move past it so I can stop worrying about each time his phone rings...
Yesterday I sat in my garage and just sobbed...I hate crying - It just isn't for me...
I cried about these thoughts that won't leave my head even though he hasn't given me any reason to think they are talking again....
I cried because I am not on any meds and sometimes I feel like I just can't breathe...I feel like I am almost in a constant panic attack...
I cried because I still haven't found my way back spiritually...
I cried because I don't know who I am anymore...
I cried because for the first time in 2 years I wanted so badly to just cut...I knew if I did I would be ok...I knew the release would come immediately...I had the scissors in my hand but I couldn't do it...
Do you even know how much of a psycho I feel like? Do you know what it is like to project one person to the outside world while inside you are screaming? The mask of bipolar isn't pretty and it isn't easy and I absolutely hate it...I hate feeling like there are 2 of me pulling at each other...2 of me fighting for release when I know only one of them will survive....
I know some of you may know exactly how I feel...The crushing feeling in your chest and no way to get it out.
I worry to much about each and every thing...Hubby tells me I would worry if I didn't have anything to worry about.
Now besides the ex, our marriage is almost perfect...Sure we have minor arguments however we have been through hell to get here and we have learned along the way... I love him more then words can say and if I could get her out of the picture (if she is still in it), then I think I could maybe breathe a little easier...
We have 2 children - Both boys....One is 13 and I shall call him Eeyore and the other is 5 and I will call him Tigger...
The 3 of them are the light in my darkness...
They are the reason I am still here today...
I know that bipolar may be hereditary and it took a long time before we even thought of having kids...I was horrified at the thought of my kids having to bear the cross I live with and knock on wood, neither of them show any signs...
Just the mom...
The crazy ass mom....
So I am asking you all, my bloggy friends for help...
How do I forgive and move on...
How do I stop worrying about this and see that it is all good...
I keep telling myself that until I am proved otherwise, I don't need to think about it however that is easier said then done.
How do you forgive and get that trust back?
STAIND
Another Day Inside My World
I'm Married To You And This Road
A Road That Never Lets Me Sleep
So There's No Way To Escape These Demons
I Am Forced To Keep
i wish i had some awesome advice. but, honestly, forgiving is something that i struggle with as well.
ReplyDeletei hold that grudge - why do *i* have to do all this emotional work forgiving and forgetting when *i* was the one who was wronged. it seems so unfair.
but i read that you should do it for yourself, to release yourself from the bondage of it. which makes total sense. but... they never tell you exactly HOW to get to that place.
sorry i'm not much help in the advice department today. but hopefully knowing that someone else has the same difficulty as you with this issue might make you feel a little better.
you, for very valid reasons, feel betrayed. it has nothing to do with "being crazy". trust was broken. on several occasions, it sounds like. that's very hard to repair.
sorry so long...
I know another great book besides the ones I mentioned through email. I would recommend reading The Shack first. Hubs and I have had a pretty hellish marriage at times too. It was after we both read The Shack that we understood forgiveness more and a lot of things from the past were dissolved. Please find a copy (if you can't I will send you one) and read it!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you dear friend.
Hey Serenity...because I am at work its taken me longer to read your post. I will be respondng via email so check it when you can. Do give me a few mins to compose it though. I hope today is better than yesterday...it just takes time!
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is not the easiest task in the world. I do think that you have very good, strong and valid reasons to worry about the ex and him... he gave those reasons to you in the past. It is something that you're just going to have to decide within yourself how much you love him and will fight for him. Have you ever talked to HER and asked her to please have respect and back off?
ReplyDeleteMy comment may not be comforting to you but for me, I've always found that the direct approach works best in 99.9% cases...
ReplyDeleteOh, I wish I could give you a big hug.... I'm catching up on posts...and see that you already have another entry..but I just had to stop by this one... and say: Forgiveness is the one thing that, for me, doesn't come easy. Sometimes it takes me a long long time. And I get frustrated with myself....because I've learned that if I forgive...and let it go, God takes over...and then it's His problem to deal with. It is difficult for me to do, though...I have to say.. :-) Hang in there girl, you're awesome..
ReplyDeleteOh, I just read through the comments...and I saw someone mentioned "The Shack..." That's a great book about forgiveness!!! You definitely should read it... I have a copy that I'd be glad to send ya..
ReplyDeleteMan, I'm sorry...I've been behind on my blog reading...
ReplyDeleteI do understand in so many ways...I really do! I'm gladyou didn't cut. I know its hard.
((hugs))