Man-isms

I know my blog is usually not chipper and it is full of my ramblings as I try to deal with my inner demons however I wanted to get a couple things off my chest -

What I call man-isms...Things I (think) know damn well men invented/thought up to torture us...

First up - My SUV (Yes I know it isn't good for the environment - don't judge)...I love my car...I love being able to get into it and just going and I love that it does what I want when I turn the key so imagine my surprise when a light (that is confusing to look at so must have been invented by men) came on the dashboard 2 days ago...Of course I could have looked in the book to see what the light ment however I (being smart) told hubby last night (yes I forgot about the light being on for 2 days) I needed a new windshield...He asked me if mine had become cracked or if I was in a wreck and the windshield broke and I just neglected to tell him (I am not that blond!)....I told him no...The windshield was fine but the light was on showing me the windshield needing replacing....Here is the light...It is the top one...




I thought that since it was on and it looks like the windshield, it was telling me I needed a new windshield...After claiming to myself to be real car smart and telling hubby this he proceeded to go look at the light himself (after telling me there isn't a car out there that would tell you that you need a new windshield and if it indeed did that, it would have to be possessed by Christine)...Turns out I need windshield wiper fluid, not a new windshield....(Now I see how it looks like liquid and not instructions on how to remove the windshield)



Next up....Self Hair Removal....99% of the time I use a razor always have however not to long ago I got the bright idea in my head to try out wax (you know someone ie: man was hating us when this was invented)....As I get a bit older I have weird stray hairs coming from weird places (like my chin and big toes - get your minds out of the gutter) so I bought this wax which didn't really need to be heated (and smelled like chocolate!) and figured I would start on a small area (toes)...No big deal..I do have 8 tattoos what is a little wax?....Put it on and waited the amount of time before I pulled off the strip and then proceeded to fall right the hell out of my chair onto the floor with instant tears in my eyes - HOLY CRAP...I felt like the top layer of skin was GONE! I looked to see if there was blood gushing out of my foot onto the carpet (there wasn't)....The hair was gone...My youngest was cracking up at me and I swore that wouldn't happen again...I would just shave - More power to the ones out there who go for the "Brazilian"...There isn't enough money in the world for wax on my nether region!



"Have a Happy Period"?...This couldn't have come from a woman (I am sure it could have however I have NEVER met a woman who was happy at this time so therefore a man must have come up with this line)....You are bloating and crampy and bitchy and pimply and your chest hurts and your back hurts and you are weepy and you feel gross and you are rage filled and you are looking for chocolate like a bear foraging for food in the woods or you want a complete salt lick sitting by you at all times or hell sometimes both at the same time and you feel like people hate you and you want to curl up into the fetal position in a corner somewhere and just cry like the little girl you are for the next 5 or so days....WTH is so happy about that? Do you really think a pad can change all that? Is this a magical pad? Does it have magical powers in it that will just seep into my skin and make me "Happy" again? There are even e-cards to send to your friends telling them to have a "Happy Period"....Please don't bother to send me one of these because at that time I am most likely to slap the taste out of your mouth and then go back to my chocolate.


The exercise ball (another invention a man had to have a hand in)....I have one of these...I have used it 1 time...I was so excited to get this...I wanted something to do inside when it is raining outside or later on at night after the boys are in bed...It came with a DVD hosted by a sadistic woman who hates me...The first (and only time) time I popped this into my DVD player, she was so nice...She welcomed me to where ever she was (on a mountaintop) and she encouraged me to work out with her...The beginner workout would be a fun way to get into the program and she would be there along the way with me....I was stoked! I pumped my ball up...Threw on some shorts and proceeded to stand beside her while she showed me what to do...She gracefully (with her thin tanned self) placed the ball between her legs and showed me how to roll down it...I (not so gracefully with my not so thin, not so tan self) placed the ball between my legs, tried to roll down it and proceeded to shoot it out behind me, broke the table lamp shade and busted my head on the floor...She is mean and I hate her.

I am convinced that I am....

Not smart when it comes to cars....

Not "man" enough to wax...

Not happy when it is that time of the month...

Not graceful (ever)...

I do seem to have some days where I swear the universe is against me and I know if I actually took the time to think (as if I need to think anymore) about the moment at hand I could probably figure a lot of this out on my own however I am always in a hurry...Because my mind likes to race 24/7, I feel like I am forever playing catch-up...I am trying to slow it down day by day and some are just better then others.


Today seems to be a good day...
I haven't offended anyone (the day is young)...
I made it to work without a tire falling off of my car or my engine blowing....
I haven't hit anything...
I haven't yelled at anyone today...
The rain has (finally) stopped...
I have accepted that the house I was looking at wasn't ment to be (and then found out there were 2 separate shootings in that neighborhood not long ago)...
I have accepted that in order to do this not medicated, I need others along the way and you are all the "chosen ones" (I know you are thrilled beyond belief!)
Today I took note that you are all here for a reason (I firmly believe that) whether you are helping me on my journey or I am helping you...
Today I won a makeup bag that I have been eyeing for awhile...
Today I thanked God for the good and bad in my life - and I ment it....
Today is going to be a good day.


GREEN DAY
So Make The Best Of This Test
And Don't Ask Why.
It's Not A Question
But A Lesson Learned In Time.