Table For One

"It Is Of The LORD's Mercies That We Are Not Consumed, Because His Compassions Fail Not."

Lamentations 3:22

Do you ever feel like that baby above?

Me too.

Sometimes I just want to have a foot stomping, voice wailing, fist pumping, full blown temper tantrum.

There are times I want to lay on the ground, kicking & pounding the floor, yes, like a two year old who didn't get their way in the toy store.

However, I can't bring myself to literally do it.

Instead, I cave in and have a pity party.

When my energy is completely drained, I feel I have been let down by life, and everything becomes too much for me, I tend to throw a pity party.

Table for one ~ No one else is invited to this shin-dig, because the last thing I want is someone trying to cheer me up when in my mind, the situation is completely hopeless.

To get in the mood all you need to do is fixate on a problem until you blow it completely out of proportion and it is all you can think about.

Sometimes, I allow worthlessness to creep in, feeling so sorry for myself that I tend to mope around as if I literally have the world on my shoulders, looking so down, so defeated and so depressed.

People will ask me what is wrong, and they will all get the same reply - "Nothing".

It doesn't mean my meds need adjustment, it doesn't mean I am heading into a manic or depressive episode, it doesn't make me any less Christian, it just means that quite frankly I have had enough.

In my opinion, having a pity party is a very good way to get rid of all my bad feelings. 

The great thing about a pity party is that it takes minimal amount of planning, all you need is some form of disappointment and you are ready to party!

I am a person who tends to bottle everything up inside myself, and inevitably I will explode at a later date, and it is usually at an inappropriate time, so I feel I need this party to decompress.

Now, since I started this walk, I have been having some thoughts about these pity parties...

Knowing I am to cast all my burdens on Him, allows me to no longer throw myself a party.

Well where is the fun in that?

We all need a good cry every now and then, and a good pity party allows that...

Now, since I am not a fan of crying, I used to store my tears up, that is until G came along and seems to make it his mission in life to get at least a few to fall almost everyday.

I am more "moved" now than I have ever been in my entire life.

Songs, a Scripture, a knowing smile from a friend, a hug from my boys, a door opening from Him, a door He allows to close etc...

There are more things that bring me to tears now than ever before and I am still not a fan of the crying, however I can see His hand in that as well so I accept it as part of the "new" me.

There isn't really a need for me to throw a pity party anymore, but I did, this past weekend...

And according to my Sister, it was a "colossal" pity party.

I can't put my finger on what set it off, however the feelings kicked in Friday night, by Saturday afternoon, I was quite hysterical, standing in the garage, tears streaming down my face, screeching at least 2 full octaves above my normal voice at my Sister, who just stood there staring at me like I had just grown a second head.

Upset that I am not as far along as I want to be, not happy at the moment with my job, the court system, still living with my family, school, getting everything done the way I feel it should be done etc...

Impatience reigns supreme during the time I allow myself to sink into self-pity, who am I kidding, impatience should be my middle name.

And in the middle of this self-imposed pity party, I heard a voice from within (and yes, I did think, "I can't even indulge in a little self-pity anymore" without being convicted for it.) telling me that the time was done for the behavior I was exhibiting, it was unbecoming and no longer necessary.

Party is over my friend, once conviction sets in you can either choose to listen or choose to ignore, I have learned on this journey I may as listen the first time because otherwise I just end up looking like a mental patient stomping my feet and arguing with what looks like myself (I don't even want to know what I look like during this).

Conviction is a feeling I get in my heart that something isn't right within me, Him nudging me until I make it right, and yes, I have stood in the Church, arguing and stomping my feet at Him because He wants something from me that I just don't want to give.

For whatever reason, I was under the impression that being the person I am now and the person I am becoming, I couldn't allow myself to "feel" the way the world feels, nor to respond the way I used to and the intense pressure was eating away at me.

If something happens during the day, I will tell myself, "You can't react the way you used to" or "Would a Pastor respond that way?"

I know that once I am a Pastor, my mindset has to be different then what it used to be, I know my reactions have to be different as well, my perspective has to change and my emotions need to stay in check.

Balance would be a good thing right about now, before I become ordained.

So I have decided that I will no longer hold any more self imposed pity parties, instead I will seek gratefulness when the scales just don't seem to balance out.

No matter what is happening, I do have a lot to be thankful for and I should focus on that instead of what has been taken/lost.

My table for one seems to have always had Another sitting with me, I just didn't notice it until recently.

BRANDON HEATH
Like The Nature Of A Child
Lord You Let Me Walk In To The Wild
But I Can Hear You Call Me Back To You
You're Coming In Loud And Clear