Table For One

"It Is Of The LORD's Mercies That We Are Not Consumed, Because His Compassions Fail Not."
Lamentations 3:22

Do you ever feel like that baby above?

Me too.

Sometimes I just want to have a foot stomping, voice wailing, fist pumping, full blown temper tantrum.

There are times I want to lay on the ground, kicking & pounding the floor, yes, like a two year old who didn't get their way in the toy store.

However, I can't bring myself to literally do it.

Instead, I cave in and have a pity party.

When my energy is completely drained, I feel I have been let down by life, and everything becomes too much for me, I tend to throw a pity party.

Table for one ~ No one else is invited to this shin-dig, because the last thing I want is someone trying to cheer me up when in my mind, the situation is completely hopeless.

To get in the mood all you need to do is fixate on a problem until you blow it completely out of proportion and it is all you can think about.

Sometimes, I allow worthlessness to creep in, feeling so sorry for myself that I tend to mope around as if I literally have the world on my shoulders, looking so down, so defeated and so depressed.

People will ask me what is wrong, and they will all get the same reply - "Nothing".

It doesn't mean my meds need adjustment, it doesn't mean I am heading into a manic or depressive episode, it doesn't make me any less Christian, it just means that quite frankly I have had enough.

In my opinion, having a pity party is a very good way to get rid of all my bad feelings. 

The great thing about a pity party is that it takes minimal amount of planning, all you need is some form of disappointment and you are ready to party!

I am a person who tends to bottle everything up inside myself, and inevitably I will explode at a later date, and it is usually at an inappropriate time, so I feel I need this party to decompress.

Now, since I started this walk, I have been having some thoughts about these pity parties...

Knowing I am to cast all my burdens on Him, allows me to no longer throw myself a party.

Well where is the fun in that?

We all need a good cry every now and then, and a good pity party allows that...

Now, since I am not a fan of crying, I used to store my tears up, that is until G came along and seems to make it his mission in life to get at least a few to fall almost everyday.

I am more "moved" now than I have ever been in my entire life.

Songs, a Scripture, a knowing smile from a friend, a hug from my boys, a door opening from Him, a door He allows to close etc...

There are more things that bring me to tears now than ever before and I am still not a fan of the crying, however I can see His hand in that as well so I accept it as part of the "new" me.

There isn't really a need for me to throw a pity party anymore, but I did, this past weekend...

And according to my Sister, it was a "colossal" pity party.

I can't put my finger on what set it off, however the feelings kicked in Friday night, by Saturday afternoon, I was quite hysterical, standing in the garage, tears streaming down my face, screeching at least 2 full octaves above my normal voice at my Sister, who just stood there staring at me like I had just grown a second head.

Upset that I am not as far along as I want to be, not happy at the moment with my job, the court system, still living with my family, school, getting everything done the way I feel it should be done etc...

Impatience reigns supreme during the time I allow myself to sink into self-pity, who am I kidding, impatience should be my middle name.

And in the middle of this self-imposed pity party, I heard a voice from within (and yes, I did think, "I can't even indulge in a little self-pity anymore" without being convicted for it.) telling me that the time was done for the behavior I was exhibiting, it was unbecoming and no longer necessary.

Party is over my friend, once conviction sets in you can either choose to listen or choose to ignore, I have learned on this journey I may as listen the first time because otherwise I just end up looking like a mental patient stomping my feet and arguing with what looks like myself (I don't even want to know what I look like during this).

Conviction is a feeling I get in my heart that something isn't right within me, Him nudging me until I make it right, and yes, I have stood in the Church, arguing and stomping my feet at Him because He wants something from me that I just don't want to give.

For whatever reason, I was under the impression that being the person I am now and the person I am becoming, I couldn't allow myself to "feel" the way the world feels, nor to respond the way I used to and the intense pressure was eating away at me.

If something happens during the day, I will tell myself, "You can't react the way you used to" or "Would a Pastor respond that way?"

I know that once I am a Pastor, my mindset has to be different then what it used to be, I know my reactions have to be different as well, my perspective has to change and my emotions need to stay in check.

Balance would be a good thing right about now, before I become ordained.

So I have decided that I will no longer hold any more self imposed pity parties, instead I will seek gratefulness when the scales just don't seem to balance out.

No matter what is happening, I do have a lot to be thankful for and I should focus on that instead of what has been taken/lost.

My table for one seems to have always had Another sitting with me, I just didn't notice it until recently.

Like The Nature Of A Child
Lord You Let Me Walk In To The Wild
But I Can Hear You Call Me Back To You
You're Coming In Loud And Clear


  1. Hey Gal! I wondered where you went! Great post! I really related to it. We must remember though that even Pastors are humans. They have the same emotions anyone else does. Even God expects us to get angry and upset, or He wouldn't have said "get angry, but sin not". I throw my temper tantrums at whoever, then I apologize and ask for their forgiveness, not forgetting to thank them for letting me vent on them. Then I feel much better! LOL!

    Good to see you again! God Bless!

  2. /by the way, where did you get your graphics? They are a riot! I loved them. I never can find any good graphics like that. I guess I don't know where to look.



Thank You For Taking The Time To Leave A Little Piece Of Yourself With Me!


2009-2015 Serenity ~

All Rights Reserved By Their Respective Copyright Holders

All Pictures (unless otherwise noted) Are Used Via Google Images