The Storm Before The Calm

"Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary And Burdened, And I Will Give You Rest."

Matthew 11:28

Anytime I feel myself becoming overwhelmed, the above verse never fails to pop in my head.

Back when I first joined the Church, I had 6 weeks of new members class and towards the end, the Pastor taught one of the classes and asked each of us to pick a favorite verse, read it and explain why you chose that one.

This was the one I picked, because I was so very weary and highly burdened, it spoke volumes to me.

I needed that rest He was promising back then and I need it still today.

However sometimes, I don't have the patience (imagine that) to wait, I want answers and results now, not later.

I want the sadness to fade, the confusion to subside, the pain to lesson, the darkness to give way to His light.

I want my life back, with or without the man I married, I want my sense of peace back.

I don't want to feel my heart skip a beat each time there is a knock at the door, fearful it is the process server that husband has been threatening me with for so long.

I don't want to have anymore dreams about "happily ever after" only to once again, wake up and see what faces me in the morning.

I don't want to hear the catch in Tigger's voice when he prays and asks God to bring his Dad home.

I know that trials and tribulations are here to test my Faith, I also know that they will produce endurance as well as perseverance, character and hope.

Persevering through the storms of life is going to test and ultimately be a proof of your Faith.

When all seems hopeless and you have no where else to turn, do you turn to Him?

I do more than I used to, however not as much as I should, it doesn't come like second nature yet, however I know in time it will.

I want to get to the point that when a storm starts, I can just look up and say "It is yours, I don't want it".

Back when this storm started, I would sit, sometimes all day and question each and every aspect of myself.

Was I not kind enough? Pretty enough? Skinny enough? Talk to much or not enough? Laugh to loud or not loud enough? My eyes are blue, maybe he wouldn't have cheated if they were green or maybe I should have had brown hair instead of blond...Was I to tall? Was I to close to my family or not close enough etc...

All day my friends, I tore myself apart, like a quilt, each stitch had to be pulled out of the seam.

Never in my life have I torn myself so far down to explain away why this happened...

Promises replayed in my head, marriage vows screamed at me, early days together played like a mind movie on repeat...

Our wedding, all the places we lived, the birth of both boys, family members who have come and gone, friends lost and new ones found...

And I always came to the same conclusion - What was so bad in our lives that he had to throw it all away?

The storm has been raging for 20 months now, some days it is calmer than other days and today I am haunted by the fact that I still have love for him, that under the right circumstances, I would actually take him back, regardless of what has transpired over the past 20 months.

So I look at my reflection and ask myself, "What is wrong with you?"

I think back to all the conversations I have had with family and friends and my Pastor, I recall most of the conversations as words of wisdom, to help me heal, to help me to continue to walk forward, yet that little piece of me would throw the door open, most likely in a heartbeat, if he just asked.

However, that doesn't seem to be His will for my life anymore.

And yes, I will admit it, I am having a hard time accepting that.

20 months later and I still don't want a divorce.

I am more open to it then I was in the beginning, however it seems so sinful to me.

I once told my husband, I didn't know how to not love him...

He has been in my life since I was 17 years old, my best friend & the only man I ever trusted completely...

He put me in a game, I didn't sign up to play and I failed, in my opinion...

5 days from now is our 21st wedding anniversary and he will still be with her...

Some of you, know how I feel and I am so sorry, those that do not, I pray you never, ever know how infidelity feels.

Yes, there are good things that have come out of it, things I would never change, however it is also one of the darkest times in my life that I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy.

Today, the storm has overtaken me, sadness is the coat I wear today, maybe tomorrow sorrow will leave me and joy will come back.

Maybe the storm will continue to rage on...

As long as I continue to look up, He will either carry me through it or subside the storm...

Which ever He chooses, I wish it would happen soon.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now, God,
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away
Stepped In And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say Amen
And It's Still Raining