What Am I Doing Wrong?

This is a question I asked last night at Church.
On the 3rd Tuesday of the month, I go and feed the homeless at my Church and last night was no exception.
One of my teachers was there and I asked him this question - What am I doing wrong?
He asked me why I would ask that so I filled him in with a condensed version of what was going on in my life and we went to a private room to talk.
I asked him if I was praying wrong or if I was being punished?
Of course the answer was no.
He told me at one point in his life, he also went through a mid-life crisis...
He woke up one day and basically nothing was good enough anymore...
He didn't cheat on his spouse though - He went to her and together they worked through it.
He asked me what I wanted out of this, I told him I wanted my family back together, I wanted my husband home.
He told me it could take years before my husband "woke up" and realized what he was doing.
He also told me that my husband doesn't "see" the damage he is causing, feels no guilt nor remorse.
He will also be held accountable later on for what he has done.

I am new to the Church as you all know.
I have always believed however, I have not always followed the way I should live.
I have almost always prayed, however I have not always believed what I was saying.
I have never been "moved" by the Holy Spirit, however I have seen others be moved.
I had to ask how to pray because I didn't know if I was doing it correctly.
I try not to ask God for anything except keeping my family and friends safe.
I thank Him for everything I have each and every day.
I question a lot, not really question God but question why things happen the way they do.
I wonder why some people have it so much easier then others and why it seems the "good" ones have such a hard time.

I knelt at the Alter last night and asked God to please show me the way.
The path He wants me on because I don't know which way to go.
I don't believe this is God's will for my life however I don't know how to find His will either.
I can't believe He would want such a dark time for me.
I am trying to hold onto the fact that He is the Light I need to get out of this darkness.
I just haven't figured out how to grasp that Light so I can use it to guide me.
Each time I try, I come up short.
It almost feels like drowning...
There is a hand there to help me, I just can't reach it.

I have still been on a soul-searching journey and I am coming to the conclusion that I have been dis-honoring myself.
I have accepted whatever crumbs my husband has thrown my way because I am supposed to love him unconditionally.
I have bowed down and been a doormat because I am afraid to be on my own.
I have been overwhelmed by fear, shame, anguish, shock and a whole range of other emotions.
I have allowed myself to become lost due to my husbands actions.
I haven't been the greatest Mother due these actions.
I have lived in denial for the past 3 1/2 months.
I keep thinking if I "ignore" the affair, it will end and all will return to normal, however there is no normal anymore.
I have been living in an emotional hell since March and it just gets darker and darker.
This is my fault though, I allowed myself to get to this place in order to try and save my family and my marriage.
Admitting it here doesn't make it any easier however at the time, I just wanted to do what I thought was the best for all parties involved.
You know how I feel about divorce and that hasn't changed, however I have been rethinking my stance on other things.
Somehow, someway I have got to find my way out of this damn hole I have allowed myself to fall in.

As my life continues on this long and bumpy road, I have come to one conclusion...
I can't go any further without Him...
I just need to figure out how to hear Him, how to see Him, how to listen to Him...
I know how to seek Him, I just don't know if He can hear me, I just don't know if He is listening.

If There Are Millions
Down On Their Knees
Among The Many
Can You Still Hear Me?


  1. He is always listening. I find the problem is that we talk to Him too much and don't listen enough. And you can hear Him so many different ways. Mine's usually through music.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes. I so understand how it feels when you aren't sure if he is listening or not. I'll tell you what others have told me when I came to this crossroad. He does listen. Maybe not the way you want him to, but he knows best, and he will listen however he thinks is right... but he IS listening.

    I recently went to the ocean, right. I see God in the ocean and in the sun. When the water comes rushing up the shore towards you, place your worries and your problems in it. Watch the water recede back and know that you are being cleansed, and that the waves are carrying your worries/problems to a higher power.

    I know you are against divorce, but have you stopped to wonder why you are so against it? Is it some dogma you were raised with... or is it a personal belief? Have your reasons changed? Think of this in a way like a domestic violence scenario. Only the battering is not physical, its all emotional. Would you stay with a man who is battering you regardless of the outcome, would you put your children in that path? Would you allow him to come back, only to have him do the same thing over and over again?

    Someday, if he ever wants to come back, there is always the option of renewing your vows or remarrying him if that is what you really want. I am just wondering if a divorce would be the wake up call you seem to want him to have.

    I'd like to know why you are so against divorce, personally.

  3. ALSO! Are you just waiting on him? Are your children waiting on him? Do you think maybe if you initiated legal separation or divorce proceedings, it might help you and your children to start creating a new normal, to move on and continue with life?

  4. Big Hugs to you. Sounds to me like you're on the right track... hang in there...and I can't even imagine how hard this is for you or your boys..


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